Stay Tuned for "THE FACTOR"!!!
O’Really: Tonight we have a special guest. God is on "The Factor," via satellite, and we’re going to ask him some tough questions about his policies since about 5000 B.C.
Lord, nice to have you with us.
God: Thanks, Bill.
O’Really: Now, Lord, if you are all-powerful and omnipresent and omnipotent and all that good stuff, why do you let wicked people and the ACLU get away with so much?
God: Bill, you’re forgetting something that you learned as a boy in Sunday School back in Levittown. While I see everything that goes on in this world, I also give men and women free reign to make their own choices. Sin was brought into this world—
O’Really: – [interrupts] Alright, alright, Lord I’m sure this entire audience is aware of the story of Adam and Eve and the apple . . .
God: - [interjects] Actually, it was a fig. Apples don't grow in the des-
O'Really: - [continuing without a pause] . . . but how can you just sit back and watch as people like Al Franken and Michael Moore perpetuate the idea that man was created in YOUR image?
God: Well, Bill that’s a question that’s been asked by men throughout the ages. As I have stated, I created all of mankind. Incidentally, that should tell you, Bill, that I have a sense of humor. Regardless, everyone is born in sin and starts out his life in iniquity, and everyone has the same opportunity to come to me in repent—
O’Really: Sorry, Lord, but I’m going to cut you off right there because it sounds like you’re proselytizing. And the Factor is a fair and balanced, non-partisan and non-religious program.
Let’s shift topics. Just who are you, anyway? I mean, a lot of people ask me this question. You must admit that you've given yourself a whole bunch of odd-sounding names. "I AM WHO I AM"? Come on, what's with that?! Then you show up in Nazareth as some carpenter's son. I don't mean any disrespect, Lord, but how do we know you are who you say you are?
God: Well, Bill, I find that question insulting. I possess knowledge of all things, including your questionable taste in underwear and your sealed juvenile record. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, He who was, and is, and always shall-
O'Really: There you go again, Yahweh, or whatever you're calling yourself this week. Spin doesn't fly here; why don't you just answer the quest-
God: - [visibly upset] Well maybe I should just tell everyone about your late-night drives to the red-light district, or how you spiked Santa's milk and left him hash brownies when you were ten, or perhaps we should have a chat about your penchant for bondage websites, or-
O'Really: Okay Lord, point taken. You are the Alpha and the Omega, blah, blah, blah. No need to pile on.
Now, about your book-
God: My book?
O’Really: The Bible. Now, doesn’t the Bible contradict itself? That’s the trouble I believe so many Americans have with it. They think it says one thing here, and then several books later, it says something different. I gotta tell ya, I think they have a point. What’s with that?
God: Well, Bill, the more you read the Bible, the more you understand it. And once you begin understanding the Bible, you’ll see that instead of the New Testament contradicting the Old Testament, you’ll see that they simultaneously prophesy and confirm what is stated in the another.
O’Really: I don’t know, Lord. I’m gonna need a little more convincing, ‘cause it sounds like you’re spinning.
God: Well, that’s your choice, Bill. It’s been a bestseller since Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1450. I would like to comment, though, on a trend that I find rather disturbing.
O’Really: Go ahead, I’ll give you the last word. Just make it pithy, as we’re up against a hard break.
God: Global warming is a myth, proliferated like all leftist rants by The Father of Lies. And regarding God's automotive preference (disregard that ill-informed ad campaign, "What Would Jesus Drive?"😉, I can tell you personally that the question has already been answered. I drive a Cadillac Escalade, the XS-500. I get to use it "comp," as long as I put in a plug every now and then. It's got leather interior, moon roof, the Premium Bose® digital music system, AudioPilot®, 6-disc CD changer, and the Rear-Seat Entertainment roof-mounted DVD system with pull-down screen. As a divine trinity, I/We need all the extras. Besides, Jesus is just mad for Charleton Heston's "Ten Commandments" on DVD. It's a must for long trips! No more hearing hours of "are We there yet?" for Me!
O’Really: Alright, Lord, I still say Global Warming exists and that it’s morally irresponsible to drive an SUV- but we do appreciate your opinion and hope you’ll come back on the show again.
God: Thank you. It was My pleasure.
O’Really: Coming up, factor this: Hillary Rodham Clinton is making her debut appearance on this show this evening. Since we were able to get God on The Factor tonight, Mrs. Clinton has offered to come on the show as an antithesis and play the devil’s advocate to all of His remarks.
Stay tuned.