SPY REPORT: New LucasArts Releases Coming Up!
Hehe. Yeah. Good thing you've got an insider friend here. My friend's aunt, who shall remain nameless, knows a guy at the place she works, some Chinese guy, who wears nothing but Armani suits. Well, in one of those suits she found a telephone number, and when she called it she heard a joke, which shall remain tasteless, and when she told that joke to someone, the guy said, "Hey, you know what that reminds me of?"
Strange how those things go.
Rebel Without A Clue
In this game you are Goofon Dumbdis, who just joined the rebellion. Accidentally, as it turns out, because here you were, thinking you had joined an intergalactic sabacc club! Afraid to abruptly leave, you try to make the best of it, but always miss mission briefings and other vital information, so you'll have to guess what to do all throughout the game. The rebellion better be able to take a hit, as this game surely will become one!
+ An add-on, The Battle for Tatooine is expected to hit the shops shortly afterwards. Of course, any Star Wars fan will know there never was a battle for Tatooine - but tell Goofon that!
Jek Porkins-X-Wing Pilot
You take on the role of famed X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins. The game takes you through kindergarten, visits to his grandmother, high school, his first and only date, pilot academy, where you climb the ranks, your first missions as a rookie, and the eventual, nerve-racking Death Star battle. Be prepared.
Critics Acclaim:"Jek Porkins' first and only date is bound to be one of LucasArts' most exciting missions ever, and no doubt great experience for most Star Wars fans. "
Twin-Pod Cloud Car Pilot
You thought you were such a hot shot after finishing the X-Wing series? Then try to master a real-as-can-be Bespin surveillance car. Your exciting missions will consist of delivering goods from one point to another, making sure no one enters the city without proper authorisation, and waving to Lando from your cockpit. Are you a real Twin-Pod Cloud Car pilot (or are you just faking it)?
Indiana Jones And Another Adventure
LucasArts is proud to announce yet another Indy game, trademark. This time, Indy is called upon to find the lost treasure of [variable], somewhere in [variable]. Of course, you'll meet various [variable -- at this stage of development, either Nazis or Russians, possibly Germans, too]. A love interest [variable] is also expected to accompany you. You'll visit several exciting places [variable, South America, and variable], and beat some of the world's most vicious, non Indy-related creatures, such as fire demons, rock giants, gnus and [variable]. In the end, you'll fight the awesome Variabilis Beast. Whip it up!
Rebel Kid
A wise-cracking, smartass kid in the Rebel Alliance? You bet! Rebel Kid lets you control out-of-control Wilfur Bratt, a freckled know-it-all with an attitude from hell. But who knows, you may actually end up saving the rebellion, and maybe befriend a Wookiee or two!
Bull Kibbur-The Ving Jasz Chronicles
The Stone of Kab'ill has mysteriously vanished from the Bai Dai Temple on Rutuss 6. Bull Kibbur, a young Jedi, is sent to investigate the Narrajil Federation, which has been shipping suspicious cargo from the Kwin Pam Tillelelje system to Bama Rama Ding Dong El Djokwek Wek, a planet controlled by the vicious Mortyuam cartel of Hutts. Do you have what it takes to take on the evil Drombudorr and recover the sacred Ygdrqx crystal?
Suck Up! Rick McCallum
Suck-Up! Rick McCallum™ gives you the fantastic, exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take on the guise of Rick McCallum™, the one and only. That's going to rule. If that's not going to rule, Napoleon never ruled. It will own your face so majorly, you'll be forced to wear a MASK! The fans will love it, lap it up, build temples for it, describe it in holy books, celebrate its release for millennia afterwards. If you love your loved ones, then you'll WORSHIP this. You won't believe what's in store for you. Suck-Up! Rick McCallum™ is the ultimate power game, the game that makes all games redundant except Scrabble™.
Can you sell a crappy product?