Read And Rate!!!

First of all, those who dont like fantasy stories, get out. Second, id like ur critiscism. This is a story i write in my spare, time, so dont judge it too harshly.... ok? Read and enjoy!

The Eleventh Sense: Dark Secrets

Prologue

Charles kneaded his weary eyes with his aching knuckles. With a cry of frustration he pounded his fist against the cedar wood desk until his fist was numb. Four sleepless nights of fruitless searching can do that to a person. He gained control of himself again, cracked his fingers and took a long sip of crystal clear water. Charles then buried his head inside his arms. I need to sleep, he thought, and mussed his light brown hair. Just a quick nap…
BANG! BANG! BANG! A loud rap on the door interrupted the silence in the room. A girl of about seventeen stormed in. It was Charles’ two years older sister, Erin. She had her raven black hair tucked into a sleek ponytail and her honey-golden eyes that matched his, glared around the room. Her porcelain skin was flushed with excitement.
“I found the right information! We just need you to analyze it,” Erin exclaimed, clutching a sheet of paper and waving it in his face.
“No Erin, I haven’t slept in four days! Just let me get some rest…” Charles wearily closed his eyes.
“NO! Charles we need you to be your computer geek- I mean genius- self right now. This is probably it! Please Charles, we, I need you!” Erin pleaded. This surprised Charles because Erin never pleaded with anyone, especially her two years younger brother.
“Fine,” he grumbled, and snatched the piece of paper from her hand.
He read the paper in one minute and thirty-three seconds. Charles eyes widened and his hands shook as he spoke. “Get Drew.”
“But- but- shouldn’t we wait for Sam and Nichole?” Erin stuttered.
“No. This information not only gave us the whereabouts of Jake and Adriana, but the whereabouts of Jennifer and-” Charles was interrupted.

Very good so far. I liked the taste you've given us.

A few things, though. The dialogue seemed a bit strained, as in, it doesn't seem like a seventeen-year-old would speak like that.

I don't think there were any mistakes: none that I could find, anyway.

One suggestion, and this has nothing to do with writing rules or anything like that; when you begin a new paragraph, skip a line.

For example:

" BANG! BANG! BANG! A loud rap on the door interrupted the silence in the room. A girl of about seventeen stormed in. It was Charles’ two years older sister, Erin. She had her raven black hair tucked into a sleek ponytail and her honey-golden eyes that matched his, glared around the room. Her porcelain skin was flushed with excitement.

“I found the right information! We just need you to analyze it,” Erin exclaimed, clutching a sheet of paper and waving it in his face."

Since people are reading it from a computer screen and not a book, it helps it A) Look neater and more tempting to read and B) Helps the reader understand when one paragraph ends and one begins.

Besides that, excellent beginning! 👆

Thanks for the criticism! I'll have to fix it so I'll post more tonight!

okay im scrapping this story and starting it over under a different name