Star Wars: The Mystical Force

[I didn't feel that DFC had a great enough story pull. With this new story, I hope improvements come.]

The green and red streaks of blast-fire illuminated the darkness of the Corellian night. As the great battle of New Republic soldiers and Imperial Remnant StormTroopers had stomped on the lives of many, including innocent lives of the CoroNet citizens. The terror of the Imperial Remnant was abject. It was pointless. When would it end? The same question was being asked by Commander Delan. Delan had been working for the New Republic right from the beginning, the Rebellion. His passion of helping the people maintain peace was as persistent as ever. But now, Delan could not think of simply waiting for the Remnant to die out; he'd have to help put an end to it, and this battle was just one of the many difficult steps it'd take to achieve his goal.

"All troopers towards that attack ship! We're taking it out." the Commander yelled as he loaded another energy pack into his modified E-11 blaster. Delan lifted his gun into the air and fired at one of the StormTroopers standing at the door, guarding the huge ship that held one of main artillery loads. Delan now gave the signal to blow down the door and then enter. The New Republic soldiers replied with an affirmative gesture, and planted the explosive to annihilate the door. With a huge sweep of inferno, the door was blown off and was sent flying into another smaller Remnant ship, crushing it.

Off in the distance, a shaft of orange light tore through a StormTrooper's armor and then proceeded to the body itself. The light was long and bright, connecting to a metal handle which was held by a tall figure. The figure was a Jedi named Jay Bashok. Jay was a Jedi Master with deep brown hair which was cut rather short, but still looked good. His beard was small but covered the entire area of his chin's tip. His Jedi robes were dark brown and were almost invisible in this ebony night. About twenty meters away, a Jedi Padawan named Attiss Illaro swung his lightsaber in a blue fan of energy, swiftly removing a StormTrooper's right arm. He proceeded by blocking some five to ten shots with his saber. It turns out that Attiss had mastered the evasive form of Soresu, making him a master of defense. Attiss' hair, unlike his master's, was quite long. His robes had a brown shirt covered in a tan tunic. His green eyes shifted to his master who was disposing of an Imperial Dark Trooper.

"Master, I sense a disturbance in the Force. Do you?" asked Attiss in a quiet voice.

In an even quieter voice, Jay replied "Yes, Attiss. It's approaching, and I feel a strong Dark Side user on it. Be cautious when and if we confront them." Attiss nodded in concurrence and turned to see something that required caution now.

"Master, get down!" Attiss said, jumping to the ground. Jay looked up to see a large, approaching speeder that had several StormCommanders in it.

Igniting his saber, Jay frontflipped down onto the speeder. He beheaded the driver, now realizing that it was a bad move. As he turned around, he noticed that the speeder was about to go off an edge.

"This day just keeps getting better and better..." he said. He flipped high up and caught on to the edge of the drop. The speeder pummeled down into the dark abyss, and Attiss rushed to help Jay up onto the edge.

"You almost died, master! You should try listening to me more."

Jay laughed and said "That can be done. It'll take some time, though."

Chapter II: Jay Bashok

In the New Jedi Order, a rather new edition has been appended to the Jedi Council. The Jedi Master's name was Jay Bashok, one of the greatest swordsmen in the Order. With fairly short and mahogany hair, deep green eyes, and a stubby beard, Jay had become the very person his master wanted him to be. This wasn't a pressure for Jay, however, because his former master and him had many common thoughts. Jay Bashok had became a master shortly after fending off an entire squadron of the greatest Dark Troopers the Imperials had spawned. Not only did he fend them off, he killed them using one arm, for his other was broken.

Jay had mastered the form of Niman, being able to balance all aspects of combat into one form. His lightsaber was orange with a very complex handle variation. But this saber was more than an orange blade and strange handle. The crystals were Jay's trophies of endurance and strength. The Jedi Master had battled through many creatures and aggressive aliens to find a cave that had a chunk of orange crystal in them. These were the soul of his saber, his masterpiece. This is one of the many steps he took to becoming the man he was now.

Now thirty-four years old, Bashok had become a New Republic General, leading many soldiers in the mission he was doing now. The battle of Corellia had been going on for almost a month, and now thanks to him, it would soon end.

[Can anyone comment on the story so far? I want to see how I'm doing.]

interesting start. looking foward for more. 😄

i'll be able to comment more when your story progresses 😉

[Oh, that's why I thought no one was commenting... Well, here goes.]

Chapter III: A Black Night With Even Blacker Shadows

The gargantuan ship that resembled a smaller version of the Imperial Star Destroyer started to cast a dark shadow on the moonlit battlefield. The two Jedi looked up and nodded at each other. As the ship slowly and gradually came to a stop, it descended down onto the field that was replete with corpses. Now it was completely on ground and stationary.

Jay started to move forward into the field until he started to come in range with the ramp door. Suddenly, the large door tumbled down onto the ground and a light behind the door illuminated the area around the newly formed ramp. Attiss started to follow Jay until they were about ten meters away from the massive ship.

"Be careful, Attiss. You don't know what could lie behind that door... or around it." Jay said as he started to climb the ramp.

"Don't worry, I'll be prepared." Attiss said. He took his lightsaber from his utility belt and gripped it tightly in his hand. He hopped up to the top of the ramp beside Jay and they entered the structure. The two Jedi found themselves in a wide corridor with a sentinel standing next to a door to their left.

The sentinel spotted the two and opened fire on them. Jay jumped up high into the air, almost hitting the ceiling, and came down with a sweeping blow of his saber that removed the sentinel's entire right arm. Pushing him aside, he opened the door and signalled Attiss to follow.

okay suggestion time.

maybe longer chapters with more detail. just a suggestion

but it's your show and not mine. I'm just here for the ride.

keep going, it's getting better 😄

I have one question: at what point is this supposed to be taking place? Im trying not to sound too nerdy but I dont think there would have been any jedi masters (minus skywalker and mara) at the time when they were fighting the remnant.

Also I might add as a tip to spend more time developing characters and explaining the plot instead of jumping from battle to battle (both chapter 1 and 3)... But its just a tip its not my story. Otherwise its great!

[Nice tips. The chapter thing was because I was running short on time, but to answer Ghost's question, which is a good one by thew way, it takes place a bit before the book series New Jedi Order. And I was planning to keep the beginning focused on the battle, and taking some chapters to talk about the characters.]

Good idea. You should read the Thrawn series and the Hand of Thrawn series by Timothy Zahn if you havent. They're pretty good for Star Wars books and the latter take place at about this time period. 🙂

[I just might.]

Chapter IV: Aggressive Negotiations

Jay walked into a large room with electrical bands of energy surging through the center. Spinning through the electrical field were some mechanisms which appeared to be energy-producing pillars. The electricity pulsating from the pillars were so strong that it almost broke the energy restriction posts separating the energy field from the exit, or in the Jedis' case, the entrance.

As Attiss started to walk forward, Jay yelled "Attiss, no!". Attiss stopped and swiftly turned around.

"What's wrong?" he said, looking back over his shoulder.

"I have a bad feeling about crossing the field. There may be a walkway there, but the restriction posts are barely keeping it in. Who knows is the walkway will keep it in?" Jay said. He started to study the pillars and how the moved. Whenever they closed in to the walkway, they looked like they would explode. But when they drew away from it, they started to cool down. "It's simple. We need to cross when the pillars move away from the walkway. It's the only way we can get across."

Attiss nodded and started to step forward. He quickly ran up the walkway and got through right before the pillars closed in. Jay started to do the same thing and ran across the walkway as well. The two Jedi started to walk through the next door. They entered a huge dome-like room with walks ramps and catwalks abundant in it. The problem wasn't in the scenery, though, but in the squads of StormTroopers everywhere in the room.

"Halt!" one of the commandos yelled. "You are in violation of-". Before he could finished, a large scar was covering his entire neck.

Jay turned around and started to slash through some StormTroopers around him. He removed one's hand, kicked another far into another wall, and Force Gripped another to death. Attiss was parrying shots fired at him back at the StormTroropers. Jumping into the air and slicing off the helmet of a Commando, he switched to Shien form so he could strike down more enemies at once. Disarming the last StormTrooper with the Force then proceeding to remove his entire arm, Attiss stepped toward the next door.

"The Dark Side... grows closer, master. It's on this ship for sure." Attiss said.

"Maybe, but we can't fear the Dark Side. That'll only cause you to find false security in it, then eventually join it. We must destroy the dark entity to win this battle." said Jay. "We can only fight for peace and justice."

Attiss punched the door mechanism button and the door slid open. They rushed into the room, lightsabers activated, and found out that their fears were correct.

Chapter V: Meeting With The Last of Its Kind

The two Jedi ran into the room to see a tall figure wearing a black cloak. He was standing next to a window on the other side of the room, facing out of it. It seems that he was watching the battle, thinking about its outcome.

The figure finally spoke. "Hmm... What are Jedi doing on my ship?" he said, starting to turn around.

"We're here to stop you, Sith." said Attiss Illaro in a brave voice.

"Stop me? Ah, very well. Go ahead and try, Jedi." he said. The figure was completely turned around right now. His face looked similar to Jay's, with the same stubby beard. But they were also very different. His face was pale and grey. Scars were abundant around his eyes and mouth, and his eyes were deep yellow. The figure removed his hood to reveal his bald head. Then, in a deep voice, he said "I am Darth Essrec. I will be Sith soon, but right now I'm only just realizing the power of the Dark Side."

"I don't think you'll get a chance to fully realize it at all. Now, if you surrender then you will live. But my apprentice and I have the power to kill you. What will it be?" said Jay. He started to walk toward Essrec.

"You will do what you can." the Dark Jedi said as he started to pull a lightsaber from his belt.

Jay jumped at him first. They exchanged slashes with each other as Attiss started to run up and attack Essrec from the other side. Essrec first broke Jay's Niman stance with a powerful sweep from below, and then kicked Attiss back into a wall. Attiss slid to the ground, and Jay spun his saber over his head. It came down on Essrec's left arm, which was unguarded. In quick evasion, the Dark Jedi jumped back just barely dodging the strike.

"Hm, you almost had me there. But I'm more of a force than you know. I heard that your apprentice was supposed to be the strongest Padawan ever? I took him out in less than five seconds. Do you think you could stand up to me with no help at all?"

Jay looked back to Attiss. "You won't get away from injuring my apprentice." Jay said.

"We'll see."

In a pulse of blue energy, Darth Essrec blasted a bolt of Sith lightning at the Jedi Master. He easily blocked it with one hand using the Force. But now, Essrec used much more force and used two hands. The blast knocked the saber well out of Jay's hand, causing it to fly across the room and hit the ground. Jay was being pushed back, and then finally was sent flying through the room and landed hard on a catwalk.

"Now to finish you off." Essrec said. But he never got the chance to do that, because at that instant, the ship started to collapse. "It seems those New Republic fools have stopped my plan... for now. Your lives are spared... for now."

Essrec turned and started walking towards the emergency exit. Then he stopped and turned around.

"But maybe I don't have to spare you..." he said. He lifted his arm and tapped into the Force. The ceiling collapsed, separating the Jedi from the exit.

Attiss started to get up. He saw the fire and the rubble starting to pour down onto the steel floor. "Oh great, just what we needed. Another detour." he said, lifting Jay up onto his feet.

Dont take this wrong, your writing is awesome, but it started sounding a bit phony near the end.

Here is an example: The figure finally spoke. "Hmm... What are Jedi doing on my ship?" he said, starting to turn around.

"We're here to stop you, Sith." said Attiss Illaro in a brave voice.

------
Not that the dialogue is terrible but it is important to make things sound realistic and try to visualize a character actually saying something.

for the above quote you could make them say instead something like "And what could two jedi be doing here, aboard *my* ship?"

"We're here to finish somthing that should have ended years ago... After C'boath's death Skywalker assumed he had destroyed the culture of the dark side. It turns out we were wrong, Sith..."

It might be overkill actually but you get my point. And try to make some references to other characters, races, ships, etc... during the period of time the story takes place in so the reader can figure out when this takes place historically. Just some tips.

That's exactly what I thought...

I was extremely sick yesterday, and I stilll am.

Anyways, thanks for the CC.

No problem. 🤘

[I'm going to stop naming chapters... It's pretty hard. 😖]

Chapter VI

With Jay hanging on his back, Attiss sprinted towards the bronze walkway ascending from the battered floor. He reached into the Force to spring up onto the ramp and was confronted with two droidekas. Attiss propelled one of them into the wall with a strong forward kick before it could activate its shield. Then he ignited his lightsaber and knocked the blaster-bolts that were being fired at him away.

Focusing on the droidekas' shields, Attiss swiped them away with the Force whcih deactivated their shields and threw them towards a pillar. The pillar then collapsed on them which took care of the rest. The Padawan started back towards the exit. He jabbed his saber through the blast door and started to form a circle. Turning back, he realized that he didn't have much time. And.... done! Attiss knocked the cut-out circle down and jumped through. He found himself outside on a ledge that came down the the ground. Then a New Republic ship came down toward them.

The durasteel door slid open and a New Republic Commando said "Do you need help, Jedi?"

Attiss jumped on and sat down on one of the steel benches. He started to meditate and calm himself, thinking about the Sith Lord he'd faced. The fall of Darth Vader and the Emperor meant the fall of the Sith. Was Luke Skywalker wrong? And what was this Sith's plan?

The ship started to drift down into the bright skies of Coruscant. As the New Republic soldiers carried Jay out of the ship, he started to wake up.

"What... happened?" he said, starting to stand. "Where is the Sith Lord? Who won the battle?"

"The Sith Lord escaped and we won the battle, Master. We're back on Coruscant." Attiss replied.

Jay raised an eye brow. "And you saved me again?"

"It seems so."

"Well then, I suppose I'd better go train. Would you like to come with me?"

"Sure. After all, I wasn't so great either..."

Jay laughed and lead him to the Jedi Temple.