please read my story!!!

It's the first story I've ever written, so please someone say if they like it!

Chapter 1.

A deserted, overgrown garden was situated on the edge of the village. No-one knew who it belonged to, as not even the local gardener went there. Trees, bushes and weeds were vying for space in the massive grounds as a fourteen year old girl blasted them out of the way. She was slightly tall for her age and currently had dark brown wavy hair and piercing ice-blue eyes. This was what she liked to and normally looked like, though she changed her appearance many different times. That was what she had mastered when she was four years old, even though most adult magicians had not even learned to change their hair colour using magic, like her.
She stopped dead. The air was filled with the sounds of birds. Suddenly a huge flock of them flew out from inside the great oak tree in the middle of the messy lawn. Sapphire took off. She jumped straight towards the source of the disturbance, ducking and weaving between trees as she went. She reached a tree next to the clearing in which the oak tree was placed and paused. He had tried this before. Why couldn’t he give up old tricks? She peered cautiously round then started back in horror.
“Christian…” She whispered, petrified. Her boyfriend, Christian, was lying half-conscious underneath one of the huge branches of the oak tree. A huge, towering shadow loomed over him.
“Tell…me…where…she…is.” A deep, booming voice froze Sapphire’s racing thoughts.
“No…” She could barely hear Christian’s voice, “Never…”
She could tell he was about to lose consciousness.
The huge shadow reached over and, with the strength of ten, tugged him out from under the branch.
“Very well then.” There was a flash, and they both disappeared.
Sapphire ran over to the place where they had just stood. They had been completely wiped out from that spot. She turned her head this way and that, trying to find any clue of where they had gone.
But it was no use.
It had started.

i know, it's really bad...

Saphira it was honestly interesting, and it is a really good start

My suggestion is to slow down a bit, and to give Sapphire a little more description so people know what she looks like.

space between paragraphs would help a lot too.

This was what she liked to and normally looked like, though she changed her appearance many different times.

You may just want to work on that sentence really. Doesn't make sense really, but it was good none the less.

I thought the same. The pull was decent, too. 👆

Originally posted by Tarvos
I thought the same. The pull was decent, too. 👆

"Pull"? 😑

The hook. 😕

cool. this is the second instalment. hope you like! 😄

Chapter 2.

“Ruby,” hissed her best friend Kieran, “Hey! Psst! What’s the answer to question eight?”
“Shut up, you’ll get me in trouble.” Ruby looked up at her teacher and sighed. “I think it was… Napoleon went to Egypt to try and block supplies going to…India or somewhere. Now phrase that properly.”
“Thanks.” Kieran leaned back towards his test. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Kieran, Ruby,” their teacher looked up, “If you’re talking I assume that means you’ve finished. Please come up and give me you’re papers.”
“Well, you probably wouldn’t get yourself into trouble for one thing.” Ruby laughed as she handed in her completed paper, and Kieran handed in his unfinished one. He gave the teacher a very dirty look and Ruby almost burst trying not to laugh.
“I did see that, Kieran, but I’m inclined to let it rest if -” she took a glance at his history test “-you managed to get one hundred percent on what you did do on your rather small test.”
The bell rang and everyone handed in their own papers, and then rushed outside to go home.
“So, shall I meet you outside?” Ruby glanced at the disgruntled Kieran. “I mean, are you going to try and gain some revenge on our poor teacher?”
“No, it’s alright. I’ll just dump my gym kit. I’ll meet you–”
“Oh yeah, I have to dump mine as well.”
“Oh, fantastic.”
Kieran resigned himself to seeing many more hordes of giggling girls staring at him.
They dropped Kieran’s bag off first, then headed towards the girl’s changing rooms. Ruby slipped in as Kieran said shiftily, “I’ll wait round the corner, okay?”
“Yeah…” Ruby muttered vaguely.
She went to put her bag in her locker before going back outside. She looked round for Kieran, then, remembering what he’d said, decided to sneak up on him. She crept along the wall, ready and perfectly poised to scare him, when she heard talking. Curious, she stepped closer.
“Tell me where she is.”
Ruby was surprised to hear such a deep voice. Surely none of the teachers sounded like that, and certainly none of the pupils did. So who was it?
“No! Who wants to know anyway?” Kieran asked suspiciously.
“It is none of your business, human.” The voice sounded offended. There was a silence, then Kieran screamed, very loudly. Suddenly, though, it was sharply cut off and it was this, probably more than anything else, that made Ruby freeze with terror. She ran out from behind the wall, and what she saw made her fall backwards with horror.
Kieran was being held up by his throat, barely breathing. Holding him was a tall, hooded person, clad entirely in a black cape.
She gave a scream of fright, still on the floor, and the figure turned to face her. She gave another scream as she saw it’s eyes. Eyes so brilliantly red they literally flashed fire, and she was surprised it’s cloak didn’t catch fire.
It suddenly dropped Kieran, but then reached for her. She pushed herself backwards until she fell, just as the figure reached out. She almost fainted as she saw that it wasn’t even a hand. The cape fell back as far as the elbow, and the arm and hand appeared to belong to that of a skeleton.
Suddenly it paused, then fell to her side. She looked up and saw Kieran standing over her, white-faced and wiping blood from his lip. He reached down and hauled her up. The figure stirred, and Ruby and Kieran wordlessly started running.
“Where…are…we…going?” Ruby panted.
“I don’t – ” His answer was cut short as a loud screech filled the air. The black figure landed gracefully in front of them as they stopped dead.
The skeleton hand reached out, again towards Ruby. There was a flash, and all Ruby could feel was Kieran shoving her out of the way, then the cold, hard tarmac of the road. She got up again almost immediately, but it was too late.
There was absolutely no-one there.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHAT ABOUT CHRISTAN???

interesting...

And so begins "The War of the Worlds"...

Chapter 3.

“I guess your training didn’t go quite as planned then.” An elderly man, about five inches tall, was standing on a ladder, reaching for a glowing pink bottle on the top shelf of his bookcase.
“No, it flipping well did not, Kai.” Sapphire, stood on the floor, bent down to pick it up for him. “I need to know where he is. Can you please hurry up with that locator spell thingy?”
“Yes yes, Sapphire, but are you sure you’re quite ready for this?”
“Of course I’m – ”
“No, I mean do you even need to do this? Christian is a qualified member of the Amionese, after all, so I’m sure he can find his own way back.”
“Yes, but I’m also a trained member of the Amionese, and this is obviously ‘Simyonova the evil genius’ we’re talking about. He won’t escape from ‘Simyonova the evil genius!’”
“Calm down, Sapphire. Christian’s been in tougher spots than this one…”
“No! You don’t understand! They weren’t even looking for him!”
This made Kai look up sharply.
“What do you mean?”
“You heard me.” Sapphire said grumpily. “They were looking for a ‘she’. I assume that was probably me, seeing as we were the only two on the field at that moment.”
“And you’re sure about this?”
“Of course I’m sure.”
“Stop saying that.”
“Of course. Stop saying what?”
“That.”
“What, stop saying what?”
“What?”
Do you mean, stop saying ‘stop saying what’?”
“No! Stop saying ‘of course’.”
“Oh, of- yes. Right. Sorry. Anyway, I have to find him.”
The old man grimaced.
“I’ve been waiting for this your entire life.”
“Waiting for what? Tell me!”
The old man shuffled over to a cupboard about the size of Sapphire’s fist. He reached up and yanked the door open, and inside there was a scroll which, when opened out, was about the length of Sapphire’s arm. He handed it to her and she read it aloud.
“’When a girl becomes a brig
And then when she is called,
Then must she her double find
And then defeats them all.’
[sorry, that's really cheesy. Ill think of something better soon!]
But…what is this?”
The old man sighed.
“This was delivered shortly after you were. ‘Brig’ means teenager, as you are, and you’ve been ‘called’ by the Amionese.”
Sapphire’s face went pale.
“‘Then must she her double find…’ So…would that be talking about Christian?”
The old man nodded gravely.
“This is your destiny, my dear.”
“’Then defeats them all…’ Defeats who all, Kai? I was aware only of the one.”
“My dear, did you really think Simyonova worked alone?”
“Well…No…Yes…I dunno… I suppose the thought had occurred to me, yes… So you mean that wasn’t really Simyonova that took Christian?”
The old man chuckled.
“No, no, my dear, haven’t you heard enough of him to know he’s much worse?”
“Well, I was a bit preoccupied to have a look and ask who it was. I was slightly more concerned with what it was doing with my boyfriend!” Sapphire snapped.
“Well, anyway, I suppose you had better go after them then-”
“But I don’t even know where they are! And anyway, I’m not qualified enough for a mission like this!”
“If destiny demands it, it must be so.”
“What? You can’t let me go with a cheesy line like that!”
“I thought you were rather eager to go earlier.”
“I am eager!” Sapphire stopped. He had caught her there. She continued, slightly quieter. “I want to get Christian and rid Siale Valley of all evil, blah blah blah, but I just think someone should come with me.”
Kai scratched his head.
“Well, as a matter of fact, someone is coming with you. A human with extraordinary magical powers that she doesn’t know she has - much like you. Her name is Ruby and her best friend Kieran was also taken-“
He looked at his watch.
“Exactly five minutes ago.”
“Thank you very much.” Sapphire said sarcastically.
She rolled her eyes as she followed him through the door, being careful not to step on him.
“Right. In about one minute she will appear in this circle on the floor.” Kai said, indicating the teleport on the floor. “She doesn’t know anything about magic, so you must fill her in on everything you know, then come to me and I’ll tell you what I know about the mission.”
“Where is she at the moment?”
“Oh, about the red moon of Tiscae four.”
Sapphire dropped the bags.

Hmm... It started well, but I sense a devolution into cliche 😛

yeah. i know. 😄

I can't thinkof anything better for the really-bad-poem-type-thing. Anyone got any ideas?

i like the stories.. to me there is the element of mystery and of wanting to know more.the one i would really like to know more about is the chapter 2-kieran and ruby