Lord of the Rings: An orcs perspective.
This is a one of story i wrote when i had nothing to do. Hope you like it.
The great eye sees all. We can’t resist it. We orcs have no choice other than to obey; otherwise Sauron will send a powerful magician named Saruman to seek us out. What else can we do? Saruman throws rocks on people! Look what he did to the fellowship; he threw a whole peak on them! It’s not too nice for him to even talk to you, either. He lives in a tower and doesn’t come out – do you think he has a bath or shower in there? Not judging by the smell when he comes near, he doesn’t. You can see half of last week’s gruel in his beard. His eyes pierce right through you like needles– while he works his evil magics he takes control of your mind; have you any idea how that feels? Losing your mind to an ugly old man who never washes? Why is he in charge of the army?
I don’t even want to be in this army. The uruk-hai kill us (uruk-hai are our bigger cousins from Isengard) for fun, and they’re our allies! It’s not fair, they’re bigger and stronger than us, and we don’t stand a chance. The trolls eat us and squash us – it’s probably not their fault though, the great brutes have the brain capacity of slugs – they probably don’t know we’re there, even while we’re being stuffed into their putrid mouths. Trolls are so ugly! They have tombstone teeth, round, flat ears, noses too big for their faces, arms that brush the ground when they walk, and so much more. Here’s another example of unwashed allies. No bath tub could hold a troll, and they wouldn’t know how to operate a shower. Our officers don’t respect us. Just the other day my duty officer threw my comrade down a pit to be eaten alive because he had no shoes on! I have to endure all this just for some dead lord whose spirit remains only as a fiery eye in a tower!
I see where Sauron is coming from, though. This ring that he spent so long in a hot volcano and worked so hard to make was stolen from him when some ‘brave hero’ decided to chop off his finger. Then the so-called hero then went and lost it in a river for a short fat hairy hobbit to find. This hobbit wasn’t too clever, either. He showed the ‘one ring’ to his friend who consequentially decided to murder him and steal the ring for his own. And, true to tradition, the new owner foolishly lost it again. This owner left it in the woods for an ancient hobbit called Bilbo to come across. And now Bilbo has passed the ring onto dear old Frodo, who has got it in his head that he wants to destroy this masterpiece. That’s criminal damage, that is – it’s not Frodo’s to destroy! Well us orcs shouldn’t let him; we won’t let him anywhere near the volcano; he shouldn’t be allowed to destroy Saruon’s masterpiece.
The volcano makes all of Middle Earth think we’re evil. They named it ‘Mount Doom’, not us. In the films it seems implied that our evil blackens the lands of Mordor – where does everyone think the volcanic ash goes? It falls to the floor, making Mordor black, it’s not our fault. The volcano makes our homeland hot and stuffy, and it’s very hard to breath. Do you honestly think we like it there? No! We only live in Mordor because the volcano is the only thing which can kill Sauron – he forces us to live here and if we try to run away, or even decide to stay and not fight, we get “the mountain treatment” courtesy of old stinking Saruman. He’s hardly an army hero, is he?
Another thing, in these books and films, we are portrayed as murderous savages – but the so-called ‘heroes’ of the story kill more of us than we do of them! Legolas and Gimli were even competing to see who could kill the most of us. Can you imagine what it is like to watch in dismay as your comrades die beside you, while some pointy-eared freak joyously adds another to his killing spree? They are the savages! And because of these killing sprees, our reputation and respect have all but disappeared.
We are so under respected that our own Lord Sauron thinks it necessary to employ Easterlings (known in the movies as ‘Haradrim’). These are merely men gone bad! What’s stopping them betraying us and defecting to the side of the Fellowship? Their mumakil – the big elephants they ride – are unbelievable. Not only is there nowhere big enough to house them, but they eat more than double their considerable weight, stink to high heaven, and when the food comes out ‘the other end’ its bigger than five orcs! Not to mention where they ‘do their business’ – in the canteen, on the black gate, in the living quarters (if you can call this living), everywhere! The mumakil are a massive fighting force, I must admit, but they kill more of us in Mordor through disease and suffocation because of their ‘business’ than they do of the enemy on the battlefield! They must go. First trolls, then mumakil – we don’t need these monsters!
Speaking of monsters, that giant spider – Shelob – who lives in the caves next to our ‘beloved’ homeland is even worse than mumakil! She’s lethal and agile enough to go where she pleases (anyone in her way is usually found strung up by their ankles in webbing and purple in the face), eats what she likes, and leaves webs everywhere (how is an orc to have a clean house with volcanic ash and webs everywhere?). She eats us for breakfast! Being an orc is not a good life….