Things ER docs learned from their patients...
They are oddly numbered because I stole the "best of the list" from another site. The original page with ALL the entries is no more.
#1Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke.#3 Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don't pay.
#5: Stay away from people named "Some Guy" or "This One Dude", because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off. If I see them on the street, I cross the street to get away from them.
#6 Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
#13 Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
#14 If you own a horse named thunder, flash, psycho, or reaper, do not get within 20 feet, and don't even think of just taking them for a quick ride.
#19 If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first.....and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina.....the, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).
No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests that are all positive, and you come into the emergency department...chances are that test too will come back positive.
#24 The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae, including falls from 3 stories, stabbings (chest, neck, head, slashings to the face), gunshot wounds (chest, neck, pelvis, leg, traumatic arrest (only to be killed 7 years later in a separate GSW incident)), and high speed MVC's, unrestrained, where multiple people in the other vehicle are killed.
#34 No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
Drinking Pine Sol diluted in a 5 gallon bucket, shared with 5 friends, is not a good way to get drunk.
#36 Do not suck on snake bite so that you can spread the venom to MORE parts of your body....
#37 18 year old kids absolutely need new Audis-- especially the kind with the DVD player built into the dashboard so that they can watch "the fast and the furious" while driving along a windy road at say, 3am. the best thing to say (if you are an 18 year old driver of such a car) is "hey, watch my car handle this turn" as you careen into a tree. (unrestrained driver had not one but TWO spiral femur fractures in the same leg. his foot was pointed backwards). tree survived with minor scratches.
#42 Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don't give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
#46 When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.
#48 If your dentures do not stick to your gums, probably not a good idea to superglue them on!
If the doctor asks you if it hurts where he is touching you, and he is NOT TOUCHING YOU, don't answer that he is hurting you.
#50 "If you get bit by a stray dog then be sure and go home, get your gun, and shoot five different stray dogs because you could not remember which one it was that bit you. Then be sure to bring all five dogs to the Emergency Room so that we can test them for rabies."
#57 When your 15yo daughter gives precipitous delivery to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting to triage c "gas pains", you should run around the department loudly yelling, "I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here"
#84 If you are in police custody and are brought to the ED for evaluation, do not go to the bathroom then try to escape through the ceiling, because the styrofoam ceiling will probably collapse at some point and the NYPD standing outside the bathroom door might notice your bare behind, scantiliy covered by the hospital gown, hanging out of the ceiling.
#89 If you're a 13 year old girl with a long arm, fiberglass cast on it's totally OK to go swimming at the beach (she didn't even try the usless bag with duct tape trick). When your dripping, sand filled cast starts to itch be sure to use a bent coat hanger to pull out all the cast padding. Since that won't work (I swear I'm not making this up) go ahead and pour salt down the cast on the assumption that it will soak up the water. Once your arm is a red, macerated mess come on down to the ED.
Aside from the stupidity of this course of action this girl also had a weird affect so I asked if she was developmentally delayed. This thoroughly annoyed the girl and her mother but the dad said, "Well I can see why you might think that but no."#116 If you call EMS because your husband has collapsed on the floor it might be a good idea to mention that he did this 2 days prior. Should you let this minor point slip your mind try not to attack various members of the responding agency because they are not saving his life
#150 Windex, Hairspray, Acetone, Ajax are not as delicious as they sound.
#162 don't hold the log you are cutting with a chainsaw in your dominant hand......
#174 Doc: Have you had any other illnesses?
Pt: Just smiling mighty Jesus.
Doc: You mean you've never been sick before?
Pt: (Looks at Doc like she's crazy) Oh no, I was REALLY sick with that smiling mighty Jesus!
.... she had had spinal meningitis.#193 Despite popular belief...coat hangers are not a cure for constipation
Fast track to intubation: fall asleep in the ER with an empty bottle of lortab in your hand#201 If somehow a ping pong ball should make its way into your rectum and you cannot retieve it, do not mix yourself a cement enema--as this will only make your problems worse.
(I did not see this in person, but saw the radiograph. the hardened cement block was removed under anesthesia.)
#260
After you bring your 775 lb body to the ED to w/u a foul odor from your rectum and upon examination (with one person holding up the left buttocks with all his might) a lost television remote is found abscessed inside your gluteal fold, by all means, ask if you can have it back because you were tired of changing channels with your cane and by throwing objects at the television. Really, there is no need to question just how or why the remote is there....#263
After you fall and hit your head on the ice while trying to dig your car out of a snow bank by all means get angry and wedge your snowbrush on the gas peddle while you dig out the rear tires and then act amazed when you get run over by your own car.#291
If you are 13 and feeling....experimental....Don't use the dish hose from the sink as your ambassador to rectal pleasure. If you do, the spring-loaded handle thingy will open after you shove it up past the anus, making it impossible to get out.Furthermore, it will be difficult to explain to your step-father when he discovers you how you became 'tethered' to the sink by the dish hose.
You'll have to have it surgically removed. And I'm betting nobody will volunteer to do the dishes ever again...
#341
if you are early in the 3rd trimester and desperate for nookie, don't try to pleasure yourself with a ketsup bottle. the cap will get stuck inside. don't then try to fish it out with your toothbrush because you will rupture your membranes and induce labor........#397
If you happen to be driving drunk and feeling that you can't stay awake anymore, you shouldn't turn off your lights when you park in the middle of the interstate to take your nap.#400
Also, If your boyfriend is driving drunk and you are drunk it is not a good idea to hang your head out the window to puke while doing 80mph down the road. When he gets to close to a phone pole, the impact on your head will rip your body right out of the window#408
If you have been sitting on your leg for more than an hour watching TV and it feels like pins and needles, you are having a massive stroke and need to call EMS right away#412
An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.#417
If you are 17 and very drunk and are brought to the ER with a face that looks like hamburger and an upper lip that needs to be put back together, please just say you got into a fight. We would prefer not to know that someone bet you $20 that you couldn't punch yourself unconscious (and you won)..#488
Don't straddle an old tire as you try to see how much air it can hold - you will be blown 10 feet into the air and left with half as much scrotum as you started with.#694
Do not let your kid but a live gerbil in their mouth however much they want to.#696
When you come in for your well-woman exam, please remove the bag of marijuana from your vagina beforehand.#756
Craft glue is not to be used as a sexual aide, mmmkay?