My Spawn Fan Film!

OK, I'm soon to start flming on a Spawn fan film called "Rise of the Hellspawn" and was wondering what you guys thought of my script. This is the the first 2 scenes... 😎
‘The headquarters of the dictator of Goravia’. A cold night. All is dark. A guard stands in the wind, pacing up and down. Flash to an office inside. The president of Goravia sits at his desk, writing in his diary. A guard stands over his desk. Outside, the guard turns when he hears a crack. Suddenly, there’s a load BANG and everything goes black.
In the president’s office. A secretary enters.
Secretary: “Sir, there has been a security breach! We’ve lost contact with the guards outside! We must get out of…”
The door slams open. Enter Chapel and Simmons.
Simmons: “He’s all yours…. Don Juan of Killers!”
Chapel produces a handgun and raises it to aim at the president:
Chapel: “See ya in Hell, you son of a *****!” The screen goes black and once again there’s a loud bang…
*****************
‘The home of Al Simmons and Wanda Blake, Manhattan, New York City’

A living room. Al is sitting slumped on a chair; Wanda’s lying relaxed on the sofa with a copy of New Woman open on her lap.
Al: “When did Dr Hamilton say he’d ring, honey?”
Wanda: “Oh, Al, just calm down! Even if we can’t have a kid, we still have each other…. Right?
Al: (stretching and yawning) “Yeah… right. But with the missions Wynn’s been sending me on, I don’t know how long that’ll last… damn his crazy vendettas… I don’t trust that bastard!”
Wanda: Al, what are you saying? Don’t talk that way, honey… it scares me!
Al: “I don’t know anything for sure, but Wynn’s lately been sending me on very suspicious missions… I shouldn’t be telling you this, but my last mission was to assassinate the dictator of Goravia! I mean, couldn’t that start a civil war?”
Wanda: “Oh, Al… do what you feel is right! If you believe that Goddam bastard Wynn isn’t serving the interests of the USA… if you believe he’s a damn traitor, then you HAVE to find proof... and if you do, then you MUST report him! Just remember Al, if Wynn knows you suspect him of anything, he won’t even hesitate to have you killed!”
Al: (rises from his chair, coughs) You’re right…. I can’t carry on like this… carrying out what could amount to be MURDERS on behalf of Jason Wynn… but Jason is… or was… my friend. And therefore I can’t go behind his back… I can’t betray my old friendship with Wynn. I’ll confront him tonight. Talk to him. I owe him that much, Wanda, maybe even more…”
Al walks out of the room. Wanda stares bleakly at the door. A car engine is heard starting up outside. Wanda stifles a sob and wraps her arms around her legs, sitting up and allowing New Woman to slide onto the floor.
Wanda: “Oh, Al… come home safe tonight… please be all right!”

So, what do you think? I'm open to any constructive criticism... 😎

I like it, but the dialogue seems a little forced in places...
I mean Wanda's telling Al not to talk about dying, and then says that he has to report Wynn, even though Wynn will have him killed if he suspects betrayal, and tells him to come home safe, its kinda like she's coming from two different directions.

And I think Id lose the "serving the interests of the USA" part and make it more that maybe Wanda heard that she IS going to have a baby, and wants Al to quit because she wants him alive to raise the child and she doesnt want her child subjected to such a violent life.

The whole thing of not trusting "that bastard" and yet, owing him an explanation before reporting him, doesnt really make sense. I think Id find it more believable that Al just wants out of the business for his family's sake, and Wynn decides that he's become a liability...

Thats just my opinion anyway, Id really like to see this when its been made.

At the end she says please be alright yet he's just pulling out of the driveway I'd just cut it off at come home safe tonight. Then after she talks about the whole having a kid thing he says some stuff about the missions it sounds like that has something to do with the previous subject. With Chapel thing I wouldn't call him the Don juan of killers there in fact I'd cut out all conversation with them maybe just have the president say something if they are going to talk make it short nothing of two or three words. If spawn is reffering to chapel just have him say Chapel to introduce him. Then you'd lead into who is in the thing and all. Unless you have really good actors for this cut out some of the more dramatic things like wanda bawling up and crying. Leave out Al's cough it can lead to people supposing other things. If you're aiming more towards the comic type thing I'd not put in the part about Wynn's my pal Al said himself they argued alot later on. I'm not sure if they even disscussed Al's missions so wanda shouldn't know alot about Wynn. But if you're not doing the whole comic thing go with what Xirius said with Wanda being pregnant that could be kinda cool to add on.

Or she thinks she's pregnant, yeah. thanks, I;ll have a revision of that... I don't want to stray too far fro the comics bout at one stage Al really did trust wynn... anyway, the next scene:
‘CIA Headquarters, Manhattan, New York City’

A corridor. Al and Terry Fitzgerald are walking along in shirts and ties etc.
Al: “Well, Terry, I’ve made up my mind. I want out of the CIA. Since Wynn took over the missions have become less and less innocent. I still can’t believe I helped him assassinate the president of Goravia…I just can’t go behind Wynn’s back! He was once my friend… or so I believed…”
Terry: “Al, I understand, but there’s no evidence on Wynn. I dug deep… I couldn’t find a thing on the bastard! He’s clean as far as evidence goes!”
Al: “I know… but evidence isn’t everything, Terry. Besides, you’re just the computer ops guy; you don’t need to worry about dead civilians or civil wars on the field every five minutes! I’m getting out before I do something I regret for the rest of my Goddam life!”
Terry: “Al, I like to think of you as my best friend and I… I don’t wanna go preaching to you, but, buddy, think about this: if Wynn truly is as much of a corrupt scumbag as you believe he is, what’s to say he won’t blow ya to Hell for even SUGGESTING you might want out?”
Al: “Terry, you are my best friend... and, yeah, you ARE NOT my mother, but you’re wrong here. Jason won’t kill me… and I can take him down!”
Terry: “But what about Chapel? Or Priest? Or God damn James Bond!? Wynn’s got the whole Goddam secret service at his fingertips… FBI, CIA, the whole nine bloody yards! Are you gonna take on the lot of ‘em?”
Al: (smirks) Hopefully it won’t quite come to that, Terry… I’m sure it’ll stop at that English son of a *****, Bond!” (laughs)
Terry: Sure, man… just be careful with Wynn, he’s a tricky bastard!”
Al enters an office where Wynn is sitting at a desk. Wynn rises to greet Simmons. The radio is on.
Wynn: “Al! Good to see ya! Fine work in Goravia, I must say!”
Al: “Thanks, sir… but I don’t know if I can carry on working for the CIA any more. It’s just… I don’t believe in this fight any more! Before, I was fighting terrorism and crime, now I’m fighting governments and countries! PEACEFUL COUNTRIES! I… I… oh my God…”
He silences and a radio news broadcast comes on.
Newsreader: “Anti-US groups are en-mass to the capital of Goravia today after the assassination of President Rykovic, who was shot dead by an American agent, believed to be working independently, or as a hitman. However, the governmental split is widening and it appears as if Civil war is coming in the foreseeable future. Here’s Jim with the full…”
Wynn hurriedly turns off the radio. Starts pouring spirits into glasses, speaking as he pours and takes the drink to Al, sitting down, speaking from chair afterwards if need be…
Wynn: “I understand, Al. You want to quit the agency. Fair enough. But please, have a drink with me. A farewell chat… and, of course, I’ll be requiring an official note of resignation. However, please, Al…do one last mission for me. Y’see, I rather misjudged the last mission, the real power men responded too strongly… trust me, the assassination wasn’t MY wish, Al, and I guess we need to make amends for our folly. Please, Al, just consider… one last mission. For America! For the whole Goddam world if need be… think about it, Al… just think about it!”

include a scene featuring this line and it will be perfect.

Originally posted by HellMaster93
Or she thinks she's pregnant, yeah. thanks, I;ll have a revision of that... I don't want to stray too far fro the comics bout at one stage Al really did trust wynn... anyway, the next scene:
‘CIA Headquarters, Manhattan, New York City’

A corridor. Al and Terry Fitzgerald are walking along in shirts and ties etc.
Al: “Well, Terry, I’ve made up my mind. I want out of the CIA. Since Wynn took over the missions have become less and less innocent. I still can’t believe I helped him assassinate the president of Goravia…I just can’t go behind Wynn’s back! He was once my friend… or so I believed…”
Terry: “Al, I understand, but there’s no evidence on Wynn. I dug deep… I couldn’t find a thing on the bastard! He’s clean as far as evidence goes!”
Al: “I know… but evidence isn’t everything, Terry. Besides, you’re just the computer ops guy; you don’t need to worry about dead civilians or civil wars on the field every five minutes! I’m getting out before I do something I regret for the rest of my Goddam life!”
Terry: “Al, I like to think of you as my best friend and I… I don’t wanna go preaching to you, but, buddy, think about this: if Wynn truly is as much of a corrupt scumbag as you believe he is, what’s to say he won’t blow ya to Hell for even SUGGESTING you might want out?”
Al: “Terry, you are my best friend... and, yeah, you ARE NOT my mother, but you’re wrong here. Jason won’t kill me… and I can take him down!”
Terry: “But what about Chapel? Or Priest? Or God damn James Bond!? Wynn’s got the whole Goddam secret service at his fingertips… FBI, CIA, the whole nine bloody yards! Are you gonna take on the lot of ‘em?”
Al: (smirks) Hopefully it won’t quite come to that, Terry… I’m sure it’ll stop at that English son of a *****, Bond!” (laughs)
Terry: Sure, man… just be careful with Wynn, he’s a tricky bastard!”
Al enters an office where Wynn is sitting at a desk. Wynn rises to greet Simmons. The radio is on.
Wynn: “Al! Good to see ya! Fine work in Goravia, I must say!”
Al: “Thanks, sir… but I don’t know if I can carry on working for the CIA any more. It’s just… I don’t believe in this fight any more! Before, I was fighting terrorism and crime, now I’m fighting governments and countries! PEACEFUL COUNTRIES! I… I… oh my God…”
He silences and a radio news broadcast comes on.
Newsreader: “Anti-US groups are en-mass to the capital of Goravia today after the assassination of President Rykovic, who was shot dead by an American agent, believed to be working independently, or as a hitman. However, the governmental split is widening and it appears as if Civil war is coming in the foreseeable future. Here’s Jim with the full…”
Wynn hurriedly turns off the radio. Starts pouring spirits into glasses, speaking as he pours and takes the drink to Al, sitting down, speaking from chair afterwards if need be…
Wynn: “I understand, Al. You want to quit the agency. Fair enough. But please, have a drink with me. A farewell chat… and, of course, I’ll be requiring an official note of resignation. However, please, Al…do one last mission for me. Y’see, I rather misjudged the last mission, the real power men responded too strongly… trust me, the assassination wasn’t MY wish, Al, and I guess we need to make amends for our folly. Please, Al, just consider… one last mission. For America! For the whole Goddam world if need be… think about it, Al… just think about it!”

I like it, Im just not sure about the use of the word "innoccent" I get what you meant by that, but it just seems like an odd word for a hardened CIA agent to use, I mean was anything the CIA would usually do, really "innoccent"

Maybe something like "justified" or "moral" or something like that. Its only one word though, its not like it makes a difference.
I like this scene.

Thanks... hmm... justified... i like that. Yeah, I reckon justified sounds better! Thanks, Xirius... and I defibitely sere what you mean... noone ios innocent etc...

Originally posted by FG725
include a scene featuring this line and it will be perfect.

When will you start shooting?

In a month, probably... once i've done the script. The costumes will soon be sorted too...