Superman Returns: Back From Krypton to Rape Your Wife and Destroy Your Family!
HILARIOUS Extreme Christian Review on Superman Returns! I had to stop and post it!
Superman: Back From Another Galaxy to Rape Your Girlfriend and Destroy Your Family!
Look -- up in the sky! It's Jesus! It's His Daddy! No, it's just some crazy homo in his underwear!
Pastor's Film Review
Friends, this afternoon I wasted over two perfectly good golfing hours at the AMC Christian Mall 74 watching Superman Returns. I have to say up front that the only redeeming feature in this entire movie is that it provides a refreshingly candid "coming attractions" preview of what Heaven is going to look like. By that I mean that although the theater was full of cheering negroes jabbering into their stolen Razr cell phones, there was not a single colored person in the entire film. As angry Moses on the mountain is my witness, not a one! I'd like to salute the movie makers for following Barbara Walters' lead and firing every colored face in sight. For, as we know, during the original time of Superman, there were only a handful of blacks in the country, so in this regard the writers maintained the authenticity of that once near-perfect world. Regrettably, my satisfaction in seeing affirmative action blown into smithereens was fleeting, for there seems to be something even more powerful than a locomotive in America: political correctness. You see, Superman is now fighting for "truth and justice" instead of "the American way." I remember a time when he used to fight for all three. Now, I realize that after the O.J. trial, weapons of mass destruction, Abu Ghraib and the Gitmo Concentration Camp, those three things may now be inconsistent, but if Superman had to choose, he should have gone with Old Glory!
Friends, the whole premise of this movie will rankle any person of faith. As True Christians™, we only believe in one flying superhero. And He doesn't wear a skimpy bikini -- Superman's is so tight you can see if his genital herpes is in remission. And He doesn't wear a cape, flouncing around like the notorious homosexuals Salvador Dali or Oscar Wilde. No, our cloud dwelling hero wears a simple, modest robe. The fact that He wears absolutely nothing underneath is only His business -- and those upward-looking folks flying below Him as they are raptured to Glory. It is most certainly nothing He shows off by hovering around making sure everyone in town can get an eyeful. Our hero's name? His name is Jesus Christ, and he will not be mocked -- or dressed to look like a ballerina. I believe this film mocks Jesus Christ in countless ways (I gave up after #107). There are dozens of scenes where we see this so-called "Superman" mocking our Lord's death on the cross by slumping his body like a crucified clown in a flashy blue outfit as he looks down upon the Earth with a tear in his eye. That ought to make your blood boil as a believer! I yelled out, Shame on you! Go kill yourself for me and then we'll talk, Mr. Cry Baby Fake Savior! at the top of my Godly lungs every time such scenes were depicted!
I hear through the reliable whispers in our Christian grapevine that the homosexual community has adopted this Superman hero as their new mascot. Knowing this, I was on the lookout for any tell-tale signs of tomfoolery. I noticed that if you pay very close attention to the caped crusader, when his cape is lifted - you can see that his buttocks are hardened with muscle in such a way that the crease of his fancy little outfit rides into the crack of his fanny so deep that I had to close my eyes in fear that I might be lured into some form of ungodly lust. I just thank God that viewers were spared any scenes of sodomy in the elevator between Jimmy Olson and Clark Kent, although it was obvious enough to this man of God what was going on between those two during office hours. My guess is that the openly gay director of this film, has added that footage to his private collection.
I don't doubt that the homosexual community is going to love this movie. In addition to being able to watch a muscle man wear his underwear on the outside and go through more leotards in a week than the Bolshoi Ballet, it also glorifies the moral decay of the traditional American family. We know that Superman fornicated with Lois Lane roughly five years before he returned from his home in Uranus, or whatever they are calling it. His sperm also appears to be faster than a speeding bullet, as the result of that fornication produced a child out of wedlock, a whimpering little sissy boy with long hair, no less. And the writers of the film fail to address the immoral nature of this relationship, other than to say that Superman will "be around," to care for the child. Well, for a movie devoid of colored folks, Superman sure does act like an authentic black man when faced with a little bundle of burping, popping responsibility. They may as well call him "Superbabydaddy" because a real man marries a woman before he deserts her! I wonder how many other children he'll father out of wedlock in the films to come. He'll probably leave a trail of orphans addicted to that drug kryptonite littered all over this otherwise uninhabited Universe.
After watching this film, I do hereby ban all Church members from seeing it. If you have any questions about the movie, you may make an appointment with me and we can discuss your concerns in the privacy of my office. If I am out golfing, please leave a message with the church secretary and we can schedule a time when it is convenient for me.