Things I have learned whilst on this planet,
1. The quality of a movie is inversely proportional to the number of Americans in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe British Summer Time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.
4. The most valuable function performed by the government is entertainment.
5. A penny saved is worthless.
6. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
7. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
10. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
11. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
12. There apparently exists, somewhere, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer destroy it with hammers.
13. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
· The universe is even bigger than they thought!
· There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
· Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
14. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
· If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are Virtually identical.
· If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
· If Kronenbourg runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's date of origin, Kronenbourg knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
17. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on daytime TV with a bad hairstyle.
18. You should not confuse your career with your life.
19. A person who is nice to you, but rude to your geeky friends, is not a nice person.
20. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
21. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. That individual is crazy.
22. Your friends love you anyway.
23. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
24. Politics graduates can't count.