Originally posted by dadudemon
The traitor tears got me, too. I face palmed.I would have rewritten that as follows:
"I reached up to my face only to find the stinging path swum by my traitorous tears."
Ultimately though it seems to me that SM didn't set out to create a great piece of art, rather share a story that was on her mind which she seems to have accomplished, and the editor's job also isn't to make it as beautiful as possible, but make it so readable as to maximize profits, which seems to have been accomplished.
Originally posted by Bardock42
That's pretty painful too, but you are right, somewhat less cringe worthy.Ultimately though it seems to me that SM didn't set out to create a great piece of art, rather share a story that was on her mind which she seems to have accomplished, and the editor's job also isn't to make it as beautiful as possible, but make it so readable as to maximize profits, which seems to have been accomplished.
The cringing part is not the goal: the goal is to eliminate the redundancy while still getting the point across that she didn't want to show her emotions by crying, visibly. That was myers goal, but she ended up writing some stupidly redunant shite. However, the idea is cringe-worthy, no matter how approached because it's silly that someone wouldn't believe that they are crying...cause they are like...crying.
Here's the original line:
"I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me."
Originally posted by dadudemon
The cringing part is not the goal: the goal is to eliminate the redundancy while still getting the point across that she didn't want to show her emotions by crying, visibly. That was myers goal, but she ended up writing some stupidly redunant shite. However, the idea is cringe-worthy, no matter how approached because it's silly that someone wouldn't believe that they are crying...cause they are like...crying.Here's the original line:
"I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me."
I understand that, however yours on the other hand was painfully overwritten. So yeah you solved one problem but did create another. Unless you argue that redundancy is wrong on a bigger scale, rather than just being unpleasant to read (at least in this case)
Originally posted by Bardock42
I understand that, however yours on the other hand was painfully overwritten. So yeah you solved one problem but did create another. Unless you argue that redundancy is wrong on a bigger scale, rather than just being unpleasant to read (at least in this case)
Okay. How would you have re-written that line to get the same idea across without being painfully overwritten? (Not being a smartass, I just want to see what a good re-write looks like.)
Well, I am obviously not a very good writer myself, though I'd probably keep it more simple like this:
"I touched my cheek, only to feel the traitorous tears expose me."
Though depending on the circumstances of that line I'd merge some more information to it like for example finish it with "...tears expose my fear" if that was what was happening.
Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I am obviously not a very good writer myself, though I'd probably keep it more simple like this:"I touched my cheek, only to feel the traitorous tears expose me."
Though depending on the circumstances of that line I'd merge some more information to it like for example finish it with "...tears expose my fear" if that was what was happening.
That's still redundant, though.
My coworker had a better re-write:
"My tears betrayed me."
Originally posted by Bardock42
That's short and to the point indeed. Though it leaves out the touching of the cheek, which I guess isn't substantial.Though I don't think my rewrite is redundant.
Exposing someone can also be betraying them. The point is to not be redundant, which her books are riddled with.
Bella should not have any lips because she bits them every other page...fer realz.
Originally posted by Bardock42
Exposing is not the same as betraying,
By exposing someone, you betray them. The tears exposed Bella's emotions, so they betrayed her: redundant. That was what we were trying to avoid, remember? That's what this whole thing was about. Though it isn't elegant or beautiful, my coworker's rewrite does good to avoid that.
it can be a way of being betrayed. Exposing alone also doesn't imply betrayal.
Originally posted by Bardock42
And what does Bella bite her lips for? Just for fun, or whenever she gets horny, or what?
Lol...no, Edward is the one that bites her lips when he gets horny....and I"m not talking about her mouth. 😐
And yeah, it's supposed to be a nervous tick or some shit.
The answer to the question about whether or not the Werewolves were immortal like the vampires:
I have two answers: the pedantic one and the fictional, in-universe answer.
The "smarty" answer is: this falsely presumes that the vampires are immortal. The vampires are not immortal as all protons will decay to a point that they will no longer be "usable" enough to form atoms. All heat and "exotic" matter at their most fundamental levels (quarks and so forth), will homogenize throughout the universe. Even all black holes will evaporate due to Hawking Radiation. Because of this, neither vampires nor werewolves can be truly immortal.
REAL answers: They are "kind of" immortal. They become mortal if and only if they choose to stay in their human forms permanently. If they do that, then they will start to age and die. If they keep changing into werewolves and they don't "will it", they will stay the same age for as long as they want it.