Here's mine
Day 1 - CaptainREX admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Julie. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, L'ra is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Zed later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Raz creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Gundark hits him with a spoon.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The Space Needle out of Fettuchini Alfredo. After much persuasion by Raz, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the The Space Needle task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Zed, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Fettuchini Alfredo. Gundark is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the The Space Needle task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Zed farts and blows The Space Needle over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Julie cries.
6 - Raz gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Julie admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spoon. CaptainREX says he never wears condoms because they make his penis sore and Raz agrees. L'ra goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Zed sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Raz.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. CaptainREX goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Gundark and Julie are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for CaptainREX.
9 - Gundark and Julie are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. L'ra sings them a song - "Hit Me Baby...One More Time" - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Julie out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Julie leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Julie's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. L'ra has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Gundark is visibly depressed and is comforted by Raz, who tries to touch her on her vagina.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Raz touching Gundark's vagina over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Zed refuses to run because his penis hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Zed finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Gundark calls Zed a lazy penis.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. CaptainREX tells everyone individually that he thinks Gundark is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Gundark and Raz are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for CaptainREX.
16 - The nominations are announced. Gundark can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Raz is equally stunned and turns to Gundark for comfort. Zed is distraught and confesses to L'ra that he thinks he is in love with Raz. L'ra says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Raz out of the house. Gundark says she is gutted and even gives Raz a clipping of hair from her vagina to prove how much she cares. Zed is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Raz leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Gundark clipping the hair from her vagina. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Hungry in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Hungry sounds like but Zed says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose CaptainREX as the one who must complete the task.
21 - CaptainREX successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Hungry but also God Save The Queen, "Hit Me Baby...One More Time" and the theme tune to Fear Factor. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and CaptainREX tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Zed and L'ra are nominated.
23 - Zed and L'ra take their nominations well and sit down with CaptainREX and Gundark to discuss why they voted for them. CaptainREX keeps quiet but Gundark accuses Zed of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred penis before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote L'ra out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. L'ra leaves.
25 - CaptainREX becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of CaptainREX's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Zebra dung using only a spoon. CaptainREX is unsure but Zed is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Zed breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Zebra incident from his childhood. Gundark tries to persuade him to stay but CaptainREX sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Zed decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Zebra dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Gundark from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. CaptainREX asks Gundark to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly CaptainREX nominates Gundark to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Gundark.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Gundark graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that CaptainREX is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. CaptainREX takes his £70,000 and runs away to Hungry. Nobody, including Gundark, ever sees him again.