Chapter 5
Since that little incident, a lot more strange shit has been happening. I remember one time when I was walking home from school, (I didn't have to pick up Lewis, thank God!), there was this guy pissing on a tree. In broad daylight no less. Now I told all of you that I'm a big nature advocate, so you can imagine how pissed (ha ha) I was when I saw that.
I thought it was me saying, "Ew, ew ew ew," but it sounded like it was kinda in my head and coming from the direction of Pissy MacJackass at the same time.
"You wouldn't like it if someone peed on you, would you," I said.
He zipped up his pants and said, "What?"
"I said, you wouldn't like it if someone unzipped there pants, stood up against you and emptied their kidneys. So why do it to something that can't defend itself?"
"You’re serious," he asked as he was walking away.
"Jackass!"
He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face me. "What did you just call me?"
I didn’t mean to say it and I didn’t know why I said but I did know I meant it. "I called you a jackass. Don’t think that you can just walk away from what you just did to me."
"What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t do anything to you," he turned to walk away.
"Doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a jackass. And you have a pencil dick, by the way." I know I was looking stupid because I felt it on my face. What the hell was wrong with me? What was I saying? Why was I saying it? But I had a lot of time to think about it because the next thing I knew, I was laying on the ground and the guy was walking away.
Yeah. I got knocked the **** out. I’ll admit it. But I have to say, that was the last thing on my mind. For some reason, I was saying stuff that I normally wouldn’t say. At least not out loud. But it was like I was mad at that guy as if he peed all over me. (Wait for it…) Like that tree would’ve been. Okay, now I was crazy. First, I hear a dog talking and now I’m the spokesperson for a freakin’ tree? There was something seriously wrong with me.
When I got home, I went straight to my room. I didn’t even say hi to my parents who were thankfully quiet. I sat on my bed going over everything that had happened in the pass month. That strange guy, the dog, what just happened with the peeing guy and the tree, and not to mention all the people that have been asking me out. I got offers from all kinds of people. Boys, girls, old people, co-workers. You name it. But that only happened when I was really horny. But it was getting to be really annoying. What the hell was going on with me?
In the back of my head, I heard a faint whisper. It said, "You have questions and I have answers."
"Shut up! I haven’t asked anything!" Wait. Was I talking to myself?
"You may not have asked but you want to know," the voice said.
"How about you just leave me the hell alone." I was talking to myself. My dad must have been walking pass my room because he opened the door and asked who I was talking to.
"I was on the phone," I lied.
"Well you might want to quiet down and watch your language," he said with a look on suspiciousness on his face.
"Go ahead. Ask me anything." The voice.
"Quiet," I whispered under my breath.
"What," my dad asked.
"I said I’ll do it." Well that was lame.
"Liar."
"Is that all, dad?"
"Dinner’ll be ready in 20 minutes. Get cleaned up." He looked at me intently. "What happened to your jaw?"
"A guy punched him for speaking for a tree."
I coughed nervously. "Oh, this? I was running in the halls today and ran into a door. It’s nothing really."
"Well it sure looks like something. Let me go get some ice."
"Ice isn’t going to work for the rest of what’s happening," the voice chimed in.
"That’s okay, dad. I don’t want to worry mom. You know how she doesn’t pay any attention to details. She probably won’t even notice. I’ll be down in 15 minutes."
"You sure," he asked.
"Yeah."
When he finally closed the door, I wanted to beat my head up against the wall. "Who is this? What's happening to me? Why are you doing this?"
"See? I told you you had questions. But all will be answered in due time."
"Then why the hell did you just put me through all of that?!"
"To let you know that you're not crazy."
I scoffed. "Really? Then what am I?"
"Chosen."
"Chosen for what?"
After a deathly long pause, "To be the new guardian of this planet."
Great. More work.