Just fyi, I'm not in any danger. I'm mostly just trying to work this shit through my head. It's been kind of ****ed since I stopped therapy and I really have no idea what's going to happen after I'm done working. Everything is just absurdly bleak and there's a chance a future version of me does end up an heroing. If that's the case then I cannot under any circumstances botch it.
This is the only place I have where I can actually speak about this kind of shit because basically it never ends and is one of the reasons people leave me, because I eventually end up saying something about how much of a nightmare I find this existence, and before long I'm doing this annoying crazy garbage.
I am aware that there are a number of people for whom my death would be devastating. That's why I don't have any active plans to approach suicide. But ultimately I believe suicide is basically just an incredibly powerful impulse, and can to me be much like a virus of some kind, or a parasite that slowly worms its way into your entire body and will you to achieve this weird 'goal'. Maybe to people who have okay lives or stronger wills of their own this isn't so hard to overcome with time but when your life is as empty and bleak as mine it starts to seem like an inevitability. Like when you're going to eventually do it, not if. So if that impulse is inside you and it seems appealing the only way is to meet it head on and explore it. Question it and try to get to the bottom of it. Make damn sure you're well aware of what it is that's trying to kill you.