Surfing Instructor: I like her red hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.
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Darald: What's the state fish of Hawaii?
Dwayne the Bartender: The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Yeah, *****!
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after faking an orgasm to upstage Peter and Rachel in the next room]
Aldous Snow: You're still involved with him next door, ain't ya?
Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
Aldous Snow: You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then you came back here and put on that ghastly performance. I mean I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen one. It really deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall: You should've seen *yourself* at dinner.
[Imitating Aldous's accent]
Sarah Marshall: "Oh, I'm Aldous Snow! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh no drinks for me thanks. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
Sarah Marshall: [Pointing to his tattoos]
[In normal accent]
Sarah Marshall: And you know what? Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay. That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow: Was that genuine or did you fake that? Right, I'm probably gonna clear off now. I'll have a little sleep for a few hours, then I'm probably gonna go in the morning. Okay.
Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I ****ed the housekeeper, the other day.
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Matthew: Alright so i came here, to give you my demo. I just... I... I... I worship you and I just wanted to give you my demo. Just, take a listen, and... sigh ok. 'Cuz you know what, you dont wanna be the guy sittin' there, watchin' BBC, and sayin, "OH! I saw that guy! He was my waiter and I totally dismissed him like everybody else does... in his life. And I totally, she was wrong cuz he's a major, major, major influence on me now... and I feel terrible!"
Aldous Snow: That stupid English voice, was that, me?
Matthew: Unfortunately, yes.
Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is ****ing terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music, but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing, go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Well go see one anyway. I'm not going!