Just Plain Stupid Essay
The Bestest RPG EVAR!!!
Star Wars: Neverwinter Nights was released in 26 ABY. Prior to the release, it was given a promotional title Knights of the Old Republic, but later it was recycled as too generic, like, say, Resurrection of Evil. Or A New Hope. And people say BioWare doesn't care about cliches.
The graphic engine underwent a serious facelifting since BioWare's previous title, Neverwinter Nights: Forgotten Realms is a Too Generic Title. For example, all the race fields for orcs, dwarves and other things that aren't usually found in Star Wars were speedily commented out and replaced with only two fields, "Human" and "Droid". Therefore, BioWare offended national minorities by putting the human tag on those coloured people with twin tendrils off head. Strangely, it hasn't yet been sued. The subrace and deity fields were hidden in the character creation dialoge, and the processor resources that became available as they no longer needed to treat these fields were used to improve graphical quality.
The result was a graphic system that could render two square rooms at once, instead of just one, and could show fights performed with two-polygon lightsaber blades (although usually the opponents just kick each other, dealing lightsaber-grade damage). This was so astounding that the game was selected as a lifetime game of the year, until it was outmatched in 2004 by some first-person shooter where the main character is a scientist in glasses. Some things never change...
Plot summary
[Force Persuade] The storyline is very original, carefully developed and free of any plot holes.
[Success] Truth speakest thou.
Now, to the plot summary. You play as Darth Rev...
[Force Persuade] Ahem. You will forget what I just said and undergo a memory wipe. Okay, you play as a Republic soldier who has recently undergone a memory wipe. You awaken on a Republic ship (very futuristic-looking for 4,000 years before the movies) and immediately crash on a planet that for some reason closely resembles Coruscant. Well, almost immediately, if we don't count the unskippable prologue where another Republic soldier teaches you how to use the mouse to move yourself.
After that, you embark on a mission to rescue a Jedi damsel in distress (TM). When you are about to free her, she frees herself, identifies you as Force-sensitive and takes you to Padania / Dantooine, where four Jedi of three different species (smelling like a rip-off from Yoda, one of them is) train you as an amateur Jedi, give amateur Jedi for companions and entrust a dangerous mission of Saving the Galaxy from an Evil Overlord, your former appre— Ahem, never mind.
Along the way, you, as the least emotionally unstable character (even though you are former Sith...[Force Choke]..gak..) you will often be called upon to settle numerous family squabbles including reconciling Carth with his delinquent Sith son, convincing Mission that her brother is a loser, and playing psychoanalyst to your spoilt girlfriend's mother issues. All this serves to make your eventual redemption to the lightside all the more baffling.
Unfortunately, I'm running out of time, so I'll just provide you with the essentials. You fall in love with the damsel in distress, the overlord kidnaps and, after seconds of unrelenting torment, corrupts her. But the power of love triumphs, she returns from the dark side, the overlord is defeated. Cutscene plays, credits roll. Ah, even if you kill your love she will still be on the ship returning to the unknown world. Mystery of the Force, of course.
Well... of course, that's not all. Meeting an Ancient Civilization far more powerful than yours (in total disregard of established Star Wars canon... luckily, George cares only about bucks) is also inevitable. Apparently they didn't use such a plot twist earlier. And people say BioWare is not original.
Characters
Okay, now it has been established that you're Rev— I mean, you're ready to read the rest of the article. [Persuade] This article is good, really.
Aribeth de Tylmarande/Vima Sunrider/Sareth Dorn/Bastilla/Bastila Shan/Busty/Basty/Spoilt Princess - Your average sexual fantasy (unless you're a fanfic writer, in which case you are of the same gender as Bastila and will write about your character romancing Carth...unless you are lesbian, of course). After trying several names, the developers finally settled on stealing the name from the cat-woman, who's not the fan favorite anyway. Constantly wins each and every poll related to party members, even if females are not invited to the party in question.
Trask Ulgo/Redshirt - Received the "Best Character with Less Than 5 Minutes to Live" award at War Academy. Saves the plot-critical Republic soldier by explaining what a cursor is and how to open the footlocker by clicking on it. Heroically sacrificed himself by deciding not to wait 5 seconds for the door to close. Famous last words: "Now, there's only one thing to know to be able to kill Darth Malak--hang on a sec...ARRGGHH!"
Carth Onasi/Kaiden/Captain Emo/Barf Nazi - The love interest for those whose gender (or moral principles, or inclination) doesn't allow them to romance Bastila. And he doesn't even kiss you. This is why he is deemed as a boring character, despite having a beard. If you're playing as a man he won't say he loves you, but you can see it in his eyes. He commits suicide half-way through the game because he finds out his son is a Sith.
HK-47/Bender - A robot who killed the majority of his former masters, including one by electrocution after he was stabbed with a dull pencil. Much later, he was used by George W. Bu... *Ahem* Darth Sidious to kill off political opponents and ensure his success before he dissolved congress in 2008 ABY.
"Statement: Mission accomplished..er..AHHHH!!"
Other Party Members/Useful Idiots - Insignificant to the story because you can't romance either of them. Include a Twi'lek girl with a non-Twi'lekish name, a cat-woman, a Wise Old Man™, a Wookiee and a couple'a droids shamelessly copied from r2d2 and... that other droid. Although his ancient counterpart is a bit more aggressive. See? BioWare promotes violence and must be sued!
[Force Persuade] The unperson who said that BioWare must be sued never existed and is a fabrication perpetrated by the Sith. Memories of him shall be corrected doubleplusgoodwise by the Jedi Council.
Darth Malak/Darth Vader's distant uncle/Darth Ma'****a/Jawless Captain Picard - Yessss! Destroy every planet! The force is insignificant next to the ability to destroy a planet! What? No! It cannot be! Revan leveled up! NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Calo Nord aka the Unkillable Bouunty Hunter(TM) - One of Davik's midget sex slaves. A short character who tries to kill you and spontaneously blows up while you attempt to leave Taris. He is resurrected by magic and uses plot holes to live. He attacks you later with more power-ups; it's your job to kick his ass all over again. Even then, he doesn't really die; he resurrects as the stereotypical mercenary that hunts the hero in every fantasy story ever written.
Vandar Tokare/Cloned Yoda - Tell you that you once were Revan, I can't. Fall to the Dark Side again, you could. If your face was melting, trust you I would, anyway. Uh oh... say 'Revan', did I?
Vrook Lamar/Crook "Ed Asner" LayMur - You killed all those farmers! You're going towards the Dark Side! Sigh... We hope you can kill your former apprentice too...oops, I said that. Anyway, I see you insist in wandering in the halls. This proves that my sight is good.
Dorak/Crystal Dispenser - What color will you choose for your battlestick? Blue, yellow, green... sorry, we are out of Mace's color. Red is not allowed. But if you want, there is a cave with red crystals not far from here, eh. Now gather 'round and hear the the story of how you...I mean Revan became a Sith and learned to make a cape out of strips of linoleum. Revan's tale shows us how even the nicest people can turn into assholes if given the silent treatment long enough.
Zhar Lestin/Purple Wormhead/Purple Lesbian Wormhead - Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, I trained Picard and you... errrrr! EHM! EHM! As i was saying, you will be retrained... EHMMM!! Will be trained by me, again. NO, NOT AGAIN! It's the first time, i swear.
Juhani/Cat Woman - I VILL BE YOUR DOOOOM! In Sovjet Cathar, lesbian like YOU. Sorry, I only like lezzys. You see, I thought I killed my master when we were having a little lesbian S&M session, but it turned out I didn't. I was foolish to think so. Please, beat me.
Mission Vao/Blue Wormhead - Hey, I'm a good slicer, and my biggy friend here is my personal carpet. DON'T CALL ME A CHILD, I'm 14 (fourteeeen!) years old. For Twi'leks, that the age of consent! Hell, yeah, I like older men Barf Nazi! Whaddaya mean my brother didn't raise me right? I want to be treated like an adult! Gimme me those stims, Candy! (see, Bioware iz down wid da kids!!)....(Though image's of a 14 year old girl slicing up people may offend certain panzy's) (Knightfa11)