24 Types of Pot Smokers...
where do you fit in?
your toking travels.
1. The ADHD Kid Signature smoking method: Steamroller
He stopped taking his Ritalin a long time ago because it made him feel dead inside. But then he was a total spaz. So to keep himself from jumping around like a psychotic banshee, he started smoking weed. After a few hits, the smoke calms him down to a level of energy just above the average person. Which is good, because if it didn’t, he’d have no friends.
2. The Stoner Chick Signature smoking method: Cute pink bowl that fits in her purse
When she’s smoking, this usually liberal arts-educated chick is cool as hell. She listens to good music, has a good laugh, often goes without a bra and is an all-around smokeshow. Plus, she’s usually friends with old guys who think she wants to screw them so they give her bud. But when you’re not stoned you realize she’s just kind of boring.
3. The Artist Signature smoking method: Homemade bong
It’s no secret – creative people smoke pot. It’s just how it is. But since this person is more productive when he smokes, he basically has a life-long free pass on smoking weed whenever he wants. That said, he’ll rarely talk about smoking weed because he doesn’t want to admit that his last four good ideas came to him while watching episodes of “Blues Clues”.
4. The Patient Signature smoking method: Vaporizer
With 16 states having already made medical marijuana legal, it seems everyone these days has some serious medical condition requiring the magical powers of marijuana. But for the truly terminal, life doesn’t get much better than steaming up some pot in a vaporizer and watching re-runs of “Murder She Wrote”. Not that you have to be dying to enjoy that or anything…
5. The Outdoorsman Signature smoking method: Bowl
This guy doesn’t f**k around. He knows what to do when you encounter a grizzly and how to tell time with the sun. He can make a bowl out of anything, knows which mushrooms to eat – and which ones to never eat. You almost want to be him, until you realize his best day possible consists of hitting a bowl of kind bud at the base of Mt. Everest, followed by a week-long trip up a g*ddamn mountain.
6. The Creepy Old Hippie Signature smoking method: Joint – Sri Lanka Buddhist Monk Pipe
Yeah, he’s stuck in the ’60s – but why? My guess it’s because this grimy bastard likes to pick up chicks, smoke them down and touch them – just a hunch. Add that to the fact, he’s smoked too much weed and doesn’t have much else going on. You almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost.
7. The Retiree Signature smoking method: Expensive pipe/bong
These Boomers have been waiting for this moment since Woodstock. After growing up in the 60s, they did the responsible thing, made their money, sent their kids to college and are now settling into the glory years of reading The New York Times, gardening and smoking a sh*tload of weed. They mostly smoke at home, probably in “the den,” while listening to Leonard Cohen and Kris Kristofferson records and daydreaming about not being old.
8. The Connoisseur Signature smoking method: The Hurricane Bong
Despite the fact that this guy always has the best weed available, The Connoisseur is kind of a douche to smoke with. On top of just talking way too much about weed all the time, he only smokes organic weed, only takes ‘green’ hits (the first hit of a bong or pipe – which wastes a ton of grass, obviously) and is just an all-around buzzkill. But like I said, he does have great weed, so you’ll still hang out with him, you mooch.
9. The Moocher Signature smoking method: Whatever you’ve got
Not necessarily a bad guy – but still a pain in the ass – The Moocher only smokes weed when you smoke weed. You realize he’s doing it, but he seems to always have something terrible going on in his life that can only be remedied by a couple of pulls on your bowl. (What are you gonna do?) And if he finds out you always have weed, forget about it – you’ll have to kill him to make him leave.
10. The True Stoner Signature smoking method: Roach
This easy-going, goofy bastard always starts his days off with a wake-and-bake courtesy of his bedside bowl, followed by as much additional weed smoking as possible. He’ll always have just enough weed on him to keep him going through the day. That is, unless he just re-upped is stash, in which case he’ll smoke most of his bag the first night.
11. The Professional Signature smoking method: Something strong
If you don’t catch this guy in the act, you’d never know he smokes at all. That’s because, most of the time, he’s working his ass off. But when he comes home from a hard day, the only way he can chill out is by getting really, really high. I mean really high. He gets good weed, but often doesn’t know the difference between specific strains of marijuana. But that’s OK, he doesn’t have time for that bullsh*t.
12. The Teenager Signature smoking method: Coke Can/Apple/Toilet Paper Steamrollers
As if they weren’t whacked-out of their minds already on mind-altering hormones, teenagers love to smoke pot. These newbies always think they have the best weed, but half the time it’s just a bag of grass clippings and sage. But when they have real weed, they’ll smoke anytime they have more than an hour away from their parents – who are probably at home doing the same thing, anyway.