Michael Barker and the Seduction of the 2-D Design Girl
It was a cold windy morning and Michael had just woken up. He groggily picked up his phone and shut off the alarm. 6:00 am. Why had the mods banned RJ when they should have banned 6:00 am? At any rate, Michael rolled back over to sleep again. He just had no self control.
13 minutes and 31 seconds later, the alarm rang to signal 6:15. He sighed and stumbled over to his dresser for a clean pair of size small hanes boxer briefs. If he didn’t shower now, he’d be late. The shower was wet. He didn’t bother shaving, because he didn’t give a ****, but he did put on deodorant. At 6:47 he left the house and was halfway to the bike rack for his bike when he remembered it was a Wednesday. He had art class today!
With a whoop of joy he sprinted back down the stairs to his apartment, noneermm’d at his black neighbor who plays Tupac too loud, and gleefully ran to the bathroom. He woul d have to fix his hair. He put ona hat to help keep his hair down – it was a Chargers hat. He told himself he’d change clothes and double shower before class later that day.
At work, instead of doing the 3 F files he was supposed to be making, he posted on KMC with some guy named xyz and went on bleacher report, researching the Chargers and WWE. If you checked his browser history, you’d also find sites like “How to talk to a girl” and “Autism for Dummies”. At 9:30, still having not completed any work, he furiously biked home to get his marketing book and went to marketing class, where the teacher covered the same material he covered last class and no one bothered to tell him because no one in my class likes learning supposedly. I rushed home to eat some eggs and brush my teeth. It was game time!
I changed into my hipster clothes – 2-D design girl has a hint of “hip”, if you will – and haermm’d into the mirror at how good I looked.
I didn’t do shit in math. After that I had art class! I went in and sat next to some guy named Andrew who I talk to just to say hi and that’s it. But that’s alright, **** him, I was here to talk to 2-D design girl goddamn it. Does she have a name? I thought. And why did I switch from third to first person while writing this? Why- oh **** she just walked in. I immediately began to froth at the mouth and the fanny pack around my waist, fulled to bursting with spagetti, began to smell. I sweated profously and farted loudly. Excrement splashed all over the seat and floor and Andrew began to swear loudly as the smell began to circulate in the cramped art room. I screamed an expletive – had she noticed? No! She was busy typing away on her Macbook.
****! A Macbook! I had forgotten she was a hipster. All I had to work on was my HP Windows laptop. Would she think I was trash? A common ugly Navajo wannabe hipster who just wanted to plant my bee stinger into her flower? I begrudgingly pulled my laptop out – she didn’t notice. ****. She wouldn’t even look over. My life was over.
Michael spent the rest of class doing his assignment, some bullshit about 4 squares and one circle. He connected to the college wi-fi and posted to Baka’s thread asking for advice. He had to talk to his future wife at some point!
Xyz told him to **** off and that it was probably taft. Would I be ok dating a slice of bread? Would she up and leave me like taft left KMC? Michael can’t keep his first/third persons apart.
Long story short, after class Michael caught up to her halfway across campus and stuttered out a sentence.
“Y.. your name is Alexis right?”
She looked up and smiled big, like a 😄 but not quite, but almost. But seriously.
They talked for a few minutes, getting to know each other. They said bye and walked in opposite directions.
Michael walked with a spring in his step and a grin on his face. That was easy! He hadn’t pollinated her verbally, but he was well on his way. A seed had been planted.
Somewhere, he thought, a boy named xyz is proud of me, he though. And he grinned bigger. In fact, if you were to see him, you'd swear he was 13ing.
And I'm at work now and still not working. 31