Can anyone figure out what this guy is saying?!?!?!?

One of my friends made a status update on Facebook. Let us call him Bob. Here is the status update:

"well what a morning heading out the door and a 20 year punk kid in my wifes car chased him down and tackled him called the police and now he is going to jail for a 20 dollar pair of sunglasses and a sharpie have fun in jail go to work like the rest of us and earn your money!!!!!!"

It has 10 likes and here are the comments from his status update:

"Good job"

"Omg!! Wow! Glad u caught him!!"

This friend Bob commented on his own status update with the following:

"Ohh by the way thanks kid for not wearing a belt and showing ur dam underwear to every body cause that's why a smoker for 10 plus years caught u"

Can anyone translate into proper English (and punctuation) what he said in his status update AND his additional comment?

"Wow Barker is good looking. Just saw some 20 year old stealing a few things from out of my wife's car. He took off running but I caught him. I called the police and now he's headed to jail because he stole a $20 pair of sunglasses and a sharpie (from my wife's car). Have fun in jail. (Sarcasm) When you're done paying restitution please go get a job at the place where I also work also."

"He wasn't wearing a belt. He was wearing underwear. I have a smoking problem and cannot control my habits."

Originally posted by Barker
"Wow Barker is good looking. Just saw some 20 year old stealing a few things from out of my wife's car. He took off running but I caught him. I called the police and now he's headed to jail because he stole a $20 pair of sunglasses and a sharpie (from my wife's car). Have fun in jail. (Sarcasm) When you're done paying restitution please go get a job at the place where I also work also."

"He wasn't wearing a belt. He was wearing underwear. I have a smoking problem and cannot control my habits."

This post was both informative and humorous. Thank you. hug

I happen to understand gibberish.

-While leaving the house for work he noticed a young hoodlum in his wife's car stealing a cheap pair of sunglasses and a sharpie pen.

-The hoodlum ran and 'Bob' quickly took chase like a cheetah with a dik-dik in his sights.

-'Bob' then thought to himself "what an idiot, he's going to jail for my wife's nigh useless garbage. He should have just worked like a real American.'

the second part

-'Bob' [sarcastically] is thanking the hoodlum for not wearing a belt and having his pants down around his lower buttocks; this allowed 'Bob' a smoker of 10 years and likely a terrible runner to be able to catch him.

Originally posted by dadudemon "well what a morning heading out the door and a 20 year punk kid in my wifes car chased him down and tackled him called the police and now he is going to jail for a 20 dollar pair of sunglasses and a sharpie have fun in jail go to work like the rest of us and earn your money!!!!!!"

"Ohh by the way thanks kid for not wearing a belt and showing ur dam underwear to every body cause that's why a smoker for 10 plus years caught u" [/B]

Well, what a morning! When I was heading out of the door, a 20 year old hooligan was in my wife's car. I chased him down the road and tackled him. I then called the police. He is now going to jail over a 20 dollar pair of sunglasses and a sharpie. [which he managed to get from the car] Have fun in jail, [when you get out] get a job and work, like the rest of us, and earn your money!

Oh, by the way. Thank you for not wearing a belt, [for your trousers/pants fell down as you ran] and revealed your underwear to onlookers. It was this unfortunate trouser malfunction that allowed an unfit man who has been smoking for the past ten years to catch you.

Ah, I see someone else is fluent in gibberish as well. Good. Good.

lol I thought he found him with his wife in her car...but yeah that makes more sense.

Originally posted by Robtard
I happen to understand gibberish.

-While leaving the house for work he noticed a young hoodlum in his wife's car stealing a cheap pair of sunglasses and a sharpie pen.

-The hoodlum ran and 'Bob' quickly took chase like a cheetah with a dik-dik in his sights.

-'Bob' then thought to himself "what an idiot, he's going to jail for my wife's nigh useless garbage. He should have just worked like a real American.'

the second part

-'Bob' [sarcastically] is thanking the hoodlum for not wearing a belt and having his pants down around his lower buttocks; this allowed 'Bob' a smoker of 10 years and likely a terrible runner to be able to catch him.

Originally posted by Grand-Moff-Gav
Well, what a morning! When I was heading out of the door, a 20 year old hooligan was in my wife's car. I chased him down the road and tackled him. I then called the police. He is now going to jail over a 20 dollar pair of sunglasses and a sharpie. [which he managed to get from the car] Have fun in jail, [when you get out] get a job and work, like the rest of us, and earn your money!

Oh, by the way. Thank you for not wearing a belt, [for your trousers/pants fell down as you ran] and revealed your underwear to onlookers. It was this unfortunate trouser malfunction that allowed an unfit man who has been smoking for the past ten years to catch you.

Nice. I have no idea who you guys do it. I find this skill amazing.