How do you deal with the death of a loved one?

My mom died last November very unexpectedly while she was recovering in the hospital from an unrelated broken hip. I haven't been able to put it past me. Every day it haunts me that I should have visited her more often, that I didn't do enough to take care of her, that she died alone and in pain, that she didn't live the life she deserved, etc. I'm upset that I didn't provide for her the life that she would provided for me.

I didn't get to say goodbye to her. Didn't get to see her dead body. One day I'm talking to her on the phone, and the next day she's a pile of cremated ashes.

Anyone experience anything similar with a loved one who died?

I’m sorry to hear that and I can’t say I have much advice to give you, only three of my family members have died since my birth, all years ago, the closest being my grandfather, when I was more immature. I loved him but he wasn’t as close to me as a mother. The most advice I can give is to be there for other people touched by her death, the rest of your family. Maybe rely on them as well, talk about this guilt with a family member you trust. I’m no expert but that’s the best I have.

It will take time Will, condolences.

When I was at school I used to go to my grandmother's house at lunchtime every day. One day I got there and the door was locked. Turns out she'd had a heart attack and died on the living room floor. My uncle who lived in the house found her later that day when he got home from.work. the sight of her caused him to spiral into severe alcoholism and he was dead within 2 years from multiple organ failure. For years it really affected me. All the what ifs. What if the door had been unlocked. Would I have been early enough to have been able to call an ambulance and save her? What if I'd walked around the block and tried the front door. What if I'd been the one to find her instead of my uncle. Would he have been able to cope better.

The longer time passed the less I thought about it and now it doesn't bother me at all.

Originally posted by jaden_2.0
When I was at school I used to go to my grandmother's house at lunchtime every day. One day I got there and the door was locked. Turns out she'd had a heart attack and died on the living room floor. My uncle who lived in the house found her later that day when he got home from.work. the sight of her caused him to spiral into severe alcoholism and he was dead within 2 years from multiple organ failure. For years it really affected me. All the what ifs. What if the door had been unlocked. Would I have been early enough to have been able to call an ambulance and save her? What if I'd walked around the block and tried the front door. What if I'd been the one to find her instead of my uncle. Would he have been able to cope better.

The longer time passed the less I thought about it and now it doesn't bother me at all.

My second wife had a miscarriage on our third child. She changed and struggled with it and you know, it drove us apart. Loss is terrible but so many years later, it's not an issue for me now. She lights a candle on what would have been her birthday, yeah, it would have been my only daughter. I find forgetting is a lot easier.

Originally posted by Dr Will Hatch
My mom died last November very unexpectedly while she was recovering in the hospital from an unrelated broken hip. I haven't been able to put it past me. Every day it haunts me that I should have visited her more often, that I didn't do enough to take care of her, that she died alone and in pain, that she didn't live the life she deserved, etc. I'm upset that I didn't provide for her the life that she would provided for me.

I didn't get to say goodbye to her. Didn't get to see her dead body. One day I'm talking to her on the phone, and the next day she's a pile of cremated ashes.

Anyone experience anything similar with a loved one who died?

I do not know your mother but I can make some guesses, based off of you, that she's was a good person with a kind heart.

Is your mom the type of person that would be petty and hold these things over you? Resent you for them?

I highly doubt it.

In fact, she wouldn't want you to despair like this. She would likely be sad that her boy is distraught over these things.

Lost my father rather abruptly 2 years ago in Jan. Good news is, I got to share Christmas with him. Last thing I did with my father is I gave him a big hug, kiss on the cheek, and said, "Love you, dad." He said he loved me. That happy glint in his eye when he looked at me: he was definitely proud of me and loved me a lot. We had a conversation earlier in the year that stuck with me - I was the only one out of my siblings that would call up the house just to chat with him; I was closest with my father out of his 7 children. Both of us are IT nerds and were IT leaders. We had quite a bit in common to talk about. He wasn't just my father, he was my good friend.

I was devastated when I got news from my mother that my father was in the hospital from pneumonia and had suffered a very slow heart attack over 2 weeks and he, for sure, felt like garbage during those two weeks. It's not really fair. He had just spent the last year eating better and had lost 30lbs. That's not how it works, though.

Life can be a super shitty. The damn dice-rolls. Ultra frustrating.

Here's the super shittiest part of this story and why I can relate with you: I had made a promise to my father at Christmas to play with him online in Black Ops III and Destiny. I didn't have the XBox One but was going to buy one to play with him. I was supposed to start playing with him in the evenings starting that March. He passed in Jan.

Don't despair. There will always be things left undone. Your loved ones, present or passed, will always want you to be happy. I know, it's stupid to say, "Just be happier: your mom would want it." But the best way to make it up to her is to live the best damn life you can live. Bring as much happiness and positive karma into the world as possible. Most certainly, don't beat yourself up so much - there's nothing good that can come from that.

Think of the bad times.

Originally posted by Dr Will Hatch
My mom died last November very unexpectedly while she was recovering in the hospital from an unrelated broken hip. I haven't been able to put it past me. Every day it haunts me that I should have visited her more often, that I didn't do enough to take care of her, that she died alone and in pain, that she didn't live the life she deserved, etc. I'm upset that I didn't provide for her the life that she would provided for me.

I didn't get to say goodbye to her. Didn't get to see her dead body. One day I'm talking to her on the phone, and the next day she's a pile of cremated ashes.

Anyone experience anything similar with a loved one who died?

Don't dwell on the what ifs. Parents expect their children to leave one day and have their own lives. Your mom knows you love her regardless of visit and phone call frequency.

Take time to gather yourself with the loss and accept what happened as out of your control.

Right now you have a big whole left by your loss. It will slowly get smaller but will never go completely. If you start feeling bad try to remember the good times from your childhood.

Take everything in steps, at your own pace.

It helps to remember that the past is fixed and unchangeable. Even if you could go back in time and do things differently, it does not necessarily mean that things would be different. The only moment you can positively affect is now, so do not waste it on regret. People behave their way to success, so start doing things to honor her memory—perhaps by helping others—and you will come to terms with it.

Im sry for ur loss.

Losing someone u love is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, and the regrets are usually the hardest part.

I always try to think of how they would want me to be. How they wouldnt want me to be sad for long and to not dwell on their death but to remember the good times we had togeather.

Obviously it's one of those easier said than done kind of things.

Originally posted by Putinbot1
My second wife had a miscarriage on our third child. She changed and struggled with it and you know, it drove us apart. Loss is terrible but so many years later, it's not an issue for me now. She lights a candle on what would have been her birthday, yeah, it would have been my only daughter. I find forgetting is a lot easier.

Not easy to deal with. Going from the high of being super happy and expectant to the low of such a loss is very tough.

Glad u got thru it over time.

Sorry for you loss, Dr. will.

I think personal regret comes natural when you lose a loved one and you'll always have those "should I have done more?" and "should have I done things different?" sentiments. Honor your mother by remembering the goods times you had with her.

Originally posted by Raptor22
sry to hear that. Had the same thing happen with my wife and i minus the driving apart.

Not easy to deal with. Going from the high of being super happy and expectant to the low of such a loss is very tough.

Glad u got thru it over time.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the goodwill.

Putinbot, Raptor, Jaden, I'm sorry for your own losses.

Yeah, this is the first really big loss I've gone through. The only one that came close was my grandfather who died from complications due to heart surgery, but that was close to twenty years ago. I loved him to death, and still do, yet it's a different dynamic. Hard to explain. My mom was one of the only people I felt comfortable talking to without having to keep my guard up. I could just be myself. I don't feel that with many people.

Condolences to you, Will.

It’s never easy dealing with something like this. I’ve dealt with several family members passing and it’s never fun. It hurts in the beginning, but I can honestly say with due time it becomes very bearable. We will always miss the person that’s no longer there, but it doesn’t sting.

Originally posted by Dr Will Hatch
Anyone experience anything similar with a loved one who died?

I feel you.

If you want to talk via pm. I'm there.

If you have godparents, uncles, aunts, people who knew her well, if you have family... make time for them.

I'm sorry to you, Will, and everyone else as well who's lost someone.

In a span of only five years I've lost a lot of people on my dad's side of my family.

first my uncle passed in 2014, then dad in 2015, cousin in 2018 and finally my grandfather passed away 2 days ago after many years of fighting diabetes among other things that just made life so hard for him, same day as my second nephew's birth. Seeing him lie there with tubes all in his nose and mouth, I became too nervous to go in, I refused to enter till the rest of the family came.

When they finally did, I hugged him and held his hand and told him I loved him, he looked up at me and wasn't able to speak.

I'm not sure how to process it quite yet, I used to cry as soon as death came along, but as of my father's death I haven't done much crying until way later.

Either way, I know how you feel and I hope you know you have friends here Will, you're going to get through this and you're going to do a lot of good things in life, and your mother is going to be so proud of you.

My mum passed away of cancer when I was 11 or 12. Sorry to hear that. It is a really difficult and shitty thing to get through. Just stay strong!