I took a massive shit today and felt the need to share with y'all

I had Frito pie for dinner last night and had leftover Frito pie for brunch today. I knew that a massive bowel movement was unavoidable, but the sheer magnitude of what my body produced today felt like it should have been narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Earlier, I farted a little bit, and I feel the lump shift positions, as if gravity and intestinal peristalsis was finally kicking in. My base human instinct is to run to the toilet as fast as humanly possible. I feel this turd get in line and start peeking. It immediately stops on the threshold and refuses to move.

I am officially concerned. I've had to grunt and strain before but, in this instance, after 5 minutes of grunting and pushing, this turd hasn't moved at all and my butthole is starting to get fatigued. I tried rocking back and forth, rocking side to side, doing my patented "stir" move around the rim, and I finally think to myself, "I should check the texture," so I reach back and give the turtlehead a quick rub.

It was like running my fingertips over the disc of an angle grinder. It was dry and grainy and solid as f*ck. I regret the shitty diet I've been consuming.

I redouble my grunting and straining efforts, adding in a new move: grabbing one buttcheek and pulling it in the hopes that it stretches the cornhole, and finally...

I feel some movement begin to occur, and this turd finally starts moving. I swear to you that I heard this turd scraping as it squeezed out of my butthole. At the moment that its main girth breached, my butthole began retracting and I literally shot this turd into the toilet with a gusty shotgun-blast of a fart. I swear to you, this turd "clinked" into the bowl.

I felt a sense of relief, pride, and deliverance I can only describe as spiritual. I stand up to see the child of my loins and to make sure there isn't an umbilical cord to cut. This turd was the size of a Coke can, and f*cking muscular and veiny as a roided-out bodybuilder on stage. I wipe and there's nothing. This turd was solid as adamantium.

It wouldn't flush. I tried poking it with the plunger until it broke into smaller pieces, but to no avail. I now have to go buy a new wooden cooking spoon.

I'm simultaneously ashamed and proud of myself.

Gross! 🤮

Originally posted by Eon Blue
Gross! 🤮

U knew it was poop related when u clicked it tho...

Originally posted by Impediment
I had Frito pie for dinner last night and had leftover Frito pie for brunch today. I knew that a massive bowel movement was unavoidable, but the sheer magnitude of what my body produced today felt like it should have been narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Earlier, I farted a little bit, and I feel the lump shift positions, as if gravity and intestinal peristalsis was finally kicking in. My base human instinct is to run to the toilet as fast as humanly possible. I feel this turd get in line and start peeking. It immediately stops on the threshold and refuses to move.

I am officially concerned. I've had to grunt and strain before but, in this instance, after 5 minutes of grunting and pushing, this turd hasn't moved at all and my butthole is starting to get fatigued. I tried rocking back and forth, rocking side to side, doing my patented "stir" move around the rim, and I finally think to myself, "I should check the texture," so I reach back and give the turtlehead a quick rub.

It was like running my fingertips over the disc of an angle grinder. It was dry and grainy and solid as f*ck. I regret the shitty diet I've been consuming.

I redouble my grunting and straining efforts, adding in a new move: grabbing one buttcheek and pulling it in the hopes that it stretches the cornhole, and finally...

I feel some movement begin to occur, and this turd finally starts moving. I swear to you that I heard this turd scraping as it squeezed out of my butthole. At the moment that its main girth breached, my butthole began retracting and I literally shot this turd into the toilet with a gusty shotgun-blast of a fart. I swear to you, this turd "clinked" into the bowl.

I felt a sense of relief, pride, and deliverance I can only describe as spiritual. I stand up to see the child of my loins and to make sure there isn't an umbilical cord to cut. This turd was the size of a Coke can, and f*cking muscular and veiny as a roided-out bodybuilder on stage. I wipe and there's nothing. This turd was solid as adamantium.

It wouldn't flush. I tried poking it with the plunger until it broke into smaller pieces, but to no avail. I now have to go buy a new wooden cooking spoon.

I'm simultaneously ashamed and proud of myself.

I started reading that masterpiece in Sam Jackson's voice as recommended, but when my eyes grazed across "doing my patented "stir" move around the rim" I realized that while Sam Jackson is great, I needed something else, so I switched to Morgan Freeman's voice in my head and the experience magnified exponentially, the contrast of his majestic voice and your doodoo prose.

I may read it again, this time in the late great Richard Attenborough magnificent narrator's voice.

I applaud you, sir.

TLDNR

a good poop story shouldnt take longer to read than the poop itself.

i saw the thread title and just assumed it was a roland thread.

good content.

Originally posted by Dave_97
i saw the thread title and just assumed it was a roland thread.

good content.

Roland?

Now there's a name I haven't seen in a long time...

^^^You have forgotten the poop ofyour father.

I can relate, Imp.

I had some similar experiences recently when I took some hydrocodone after surgery. Not to mention all the antibiotics I was on, so my digestive system still hasn't completely recovered and it's been like 6 or 7 weeks since the surgery.

** raises fist in the air **

POOP POWER!!

^ I bet Leech’s poop is Satanic.

Originally posted by Patient_Leech
I can relate, Imp.

I had some similar experiences recently when I took some hydrocodone after surgery. Not to mention all the antibiotics I was on, so my digestive system still hasn't completely recovered and it's been like 6 or 7 weeks since the surgery.

** raises fist in the air **

[B]POOP POWER!! [/B]

Originally posted by Robtard
I started reading that masterpiece in Sam Jackson's voice as recommended, but when my eyes grazed across "doing my patented "stir" move around the rim" I realized that while Sam Jackson is great, I needed something else, so I switched to Morgan Freeman's voice in my head and the experience magnified exponentially, the contrast of his majestic voice and your doodoo prose.

I may read it again, this time in the late great Richard Attenborough magnificent narrator's voice.

I applaud you, sir.

I too had it narrated by Sam Jackson

Originally posted by Impediment
I had Frito pie for dinner last night and had leftover Frito pie for brunch today. I knew that a massive bowel movement was unavoidable, but the sheer magnitude of what my body produced today felt like it should have been narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Earlier, I farted a little bit, and I feel the lump shift positions, as if gravity and intestinal peristalsis was finally kicking in. My base human instinct is to run to the toilet as fast as humanly possible. I feel this turd get in line and start peeking. It immediately stops on the threshold and refuses to move.

I am officially concerned. I've had to grunt and strain before but, in this instance, after 5 minutes of grunting and pushing, this turd hasn't moved at all and my butthole is starting to get fatigued. I tried rocking back and forth, rocking side to side, doing my patented "stir" move around the rim, and I finally think to myself, "I should check the texture," so I reach back and give the turtlehead a quick rub.

It was like running my fingertips over the disc of an angle grinder. It was dry and grainy and solid as f*ck. I regret the shitty diet I've been consuming.

I redouble my grunting and straining efforts, adding in a new move: grabbing one buttcheek and pulling it in the hopes that it stretches the cornhole, and finally...

I feel some movement begin to occur, and this turd finally starts moving. I swear to you that I heard this turd scraping as it squeezed out of my butthole. At the moment that its main girth breached, my butthole began retracting and I literally shot this turd into the toilet with a gusty shotgun-blast of a fart. I swear to you, this turd "clinked" into the bowl.

I felt a sense of relief, pride, and deliverance I can only describe as spiritual. I stand up to see the child of my loins and to make sure there isn't an umbilical cord to cut. This turd was the size of a Coke can, and f*cking muscular and veiny as a roided-out bodybuilder on stage. I wipe and there's nothing. This turd was solid as adamantium.

It wouldn't flush. I tried poking it with the plunger until it broke into smaller pieces, but to no avail. I now have to go buy a new wooden cooking spoon.

I'm simultaneously ashamed and proud of myself.

I hope you used your 3 Bing heads correctly

Step 1: Take the Bing and place him between your fingers to be used like chopsticks.

Step 2: Using the second Bing, gently pull on the faeces to remove from your posterior until bowels have been completely emptied.

Step 3: Using the third Bing, scrape away any fecal remnants from your posterior.

Step 4: Dispose of all 3 Bings in the toilet and flush.

Come back, Imp.

You can't just drop a deuc-- I mean a great jewel of a thread like this on us and then abandon your disciples. We need more bowel encouragement, spiritual guidance..

Imp is too busy talking to roland