KMC Forums - Better Palpatine Essay

Early Life

Palpatine was born very poor in West Podack, Idaho to Marsha and Harold Sidious. Marsha was a sweet hearted housewife, and Harold was a dentist who barely managed to keep food on the table, the lights on, his kids dressed, or the water running. Y'know, cuz they were poor and so forth.

Palpatine had a difficult time in childhood. He was angry because there weren't any gangs he could join to express his anger, and because the cool kids wouldn't let him sit with them at lunch. There weren't any gangs he could join, that is, until his parents were forced to move to Compton, California. There, he got a job at Mc Donalds in the evil division, and soon after he joined the Dark Side under Darth Plagious. Like many a missunderstood, confused teenager, the young Palpatine took solace in the music of such artists as Madonna, Axl Rose and the Spice Girls.It is also during these sad moments that he took the opportunity to create the Island of Mauritius using his newly gained Dark Side powers. He thought that he would find solace in his old age on this little island.

Palpatine's first meeting with Plagious was shortly after he ran away from home. The reasons for his flight remain mysterious although it is rumored that he had learned that his parents were planning to sit down and have an earnest heart to heart with him. This outraged young Palpatine greatly as these calming, honest and touching moments were in his eyes robbing teenagers of their right to be stroppy, self pitying and angry. Not only did it make young Pallpy very angry indeed but also pushed him into leaving to find a way to generate his anger so that he may vent it. However, despite insisting constantly that, "I know all about life you pricks! Leave me alone why don't cha?" he quickly found out that he had no job experience what so ever and was soon desperately begging on the sidewalks of Ohta Gunga. However, fate or the will of the dark side took a hand as one day Darth Plagious, better known as Jar Jar Binks was strolling by. Binks's comically inflated ears couldn't help but leach onto Palpatine's braying rants on how the self serving working man was keeping the downtroden slaker demographic in the ground. Having recently beheaded his latest apprentice Darth Bludayrists for such prattleing, Binks stormed over to Sidious and repremanded him for his derranged moaning.

Unfortunatley Plagious's mock Jamican gibberish only infuriated Palpatine more and before long they entered into an ever escelating barrage of bitching, during which Palpatine let loose many of his personal greviences, such as the crippeling theft of his bleoved piggy bank at the hands of his six year old sister. Plagious was intrigued by Palpatine's surgeing anger, feeling that a student to whom being pissed off and stroppy were a goal rather than a burden would be a useful trait in a student of the Dark side. As a result he offered him a place on his holo broadcast show "THE SITH LORD'S APPRENTICE." Palpatine had little intrest in whatever the strange bug eyed frog man's intentions were, but seeing an oppurtunity to ***** and moan to the whole galaxy, he eagerly accepted. Palplatine made it through to the very end, outwitting many other competitors such as Darth Phelps and Darth Norris. Not that the latter was mutch of a challenge. Ecsatatic at this turn of events Plagious eagerly announced "Your hired!" though coming from his mouth it came out sounding a little more like "Goody Goody! Yousa is hired Palpy!" Palpatine moved into Binks's secret headquarters deep beneath the city of Theed. There Palpatine finally reached something reaching contentment as Binks's bumbling antics and infantile grasp of the English language gave him just the source of anger and resentment he was so sorely missing in his horrificly happy and wholesome life before. And so the Galaxy's greatest nightmare began.

Middle Life

Darth Plagious had Sidious go through 19 tasks to prove that he was worthy of being a dark master of the sith. Written word for word, here are the original tasks that Sidious was ordered to do:

1. Best me in a light saber duel.
2. Best me in tic tac toe.
3. Best me in checkers.
4. Best me in a rap off.
5. Best me in a simultaneous checkers/rap off competition.
6. Best me in an arm wrestling competition.
7. Best me in another light saber duel.
8. Best me in pissed off rant reviews.
9. Best me in making a YouTube video.
10. Best me in vandalizing a Wikipedia article.
11. Best me in a headbanging mosh-pit
12. Best me in a simultaneous checkers/arm wrestling competition.
13. Best me in a pretty girl stalking competition.
14. Best me in a Yo Momma fight.
15. Best me in a best of 3 besting competition.
16. Forget it, you're in already.

Pladious had Sidious help him build up his gang, The Siths, and put him in charge of membership fee collection. Sidious and Pladious had a falling out, and Sidious murdered him in some nasty way involving a lampshade that some future editor will elaborate on (like me, because I know this story. He cooked the lampshade in a pie and had Pladious eat it, and then he shot him). In the meantime, Sidious became the new leader of the gang and changed his name to Palpatine. He started training new apprentices soon afterwards. It was around this time that Palpatine launched his teen clothing line, House of Palpatine. This however proved to be a massive commercial failure, as the only items on offer were over-priced swirling black capes and hoods. These items, nonetheless, proved to be of great value to Palpatine's next business venture as a producer of interplanetary adult films (including the award-winning "Hutts and Butts: Tatooine Gone Wild").

It is also during this period that Palpatine took advantage of the huge population that happened to be found in Mauritius to create his great army of Clones (which were not really clones but rather Mauritians).

Old Life

Palpatine became emperor at the ripe age of 99 by tricking the senate into believing that a guy with a serious facial condition and a penchant for flowing black robes could possibly be a good guy. However, Palpatine had a lot of different people he trained to be SuperEvil� before then. Before he became emperor, Palpatine was charged with being SuperEvil�, but was let off because he charmed the jury with the ol' lift your skirt so they can see your legs trick. He has pretty hot legs, despite his face. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh that's right, the people he trained.

Death... or is it?

Palpatine, after he had everything going for him, legend says that he was stuck down in the prime of his oldness: at the age of 109, only a week before his highly anticipated spread in Vogue. His legacy was to have been a shining beacon for evil assholes everywhere. This is what makes Star Wars a tragedy: Palpatine was just trying to be popular. That's all he wanted, guys: That's all he wanted.

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Lol.