Pirates of the Caribbean Review
by Jerry Saravia (faust668 AT aol DOT com)November 30th, 2004
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003) Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
RATING: One star and a half
Maybe I never liked pirates. I have a fondness for Captain Blood, memorably played by Errol Flynn. I also enjoyed Disney's animated version of Peter Pan. I also liked "The Crimson Pirate." But then there was the horrendous "Pirates" by Roman Polanski, a film that was as dimwitted as its characters. The less said about "Cutthroat Island," the better. "Pirates of the Caribbean" is a horribly boring picture with a boorish bore as its central character. It is full of razzle-dazzle effects and it is as ear-splittingly loud as any picture, but it crashes and burns long before the last reel is unspooled. All I could ask myself was why the Disney theme park ride was more fun?
Johnny Depp, wearing deep black eyeliner, is Captain Jack Sparrow, the former captain of the Black Pearl ship. He is a revered pirate, but his exploits have been exaggerated. Nevertheless, he wishes to reclaim his ship but it is now run by the undead and its leader, Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). That is right, the undead. You see, once upon a time, these pirates were placed under an ancient curse and if they can find a relative of a former pirate, they can use the relative's blood and some ancient medallion to restore their humanity, or something like that. Meanwhile, Captain Sparrow is intent on reclaiming his ship and runs afoul of the blacksmith Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and there's some sort of sword duel, and many more to follow. The undead pirates, by the way, can be seen in all their ghostly, cadaverous glory when the moonlight shines on them.
"Pirates of the Caribbean" is chock full of adventure and swordsmanship, but it falls short of being a spirited swashbuckler. There is no joy to be had from one frame of this atrocity, not even with Depp's praised performance that shockingly earned him an Oscar nomination! Depp is an actor I admire more for his daring than for truly inhabiting his characters - with the exception of "Donnie Brasco," he seems to play characters with no inner life. At least in Jim Jarmusch's underrated and existential western "Dead Man," he was a wanderer who had no idea where he was headed. But in this fiasco, he plays a pirate who seems to think he is a pirate. That conceit works for the inept Jack Sparrows but, for me anyway, it is a waste of an actor who seems to be in drag and waves his arms when he has nothing else to do. Sadly, a line like, "Are you a eunuch?", is less funny when Depp says it. He is a vapid cartoon caricature that keeps reminding us he is in the movie.
Orlando Bloom has the look of a dashing blacksmith, if there is such a thing, but it is a look, nothing more. Even Keira Knightley, the brightest spot in "Bend it Like Beckham," is mostly on automatic pilot as Elizabeth, the typical damsel in distress - her main distinction is that she occasionally collapses from exhaustion? Narcolepsy? Only Geoffrey Rush has the right attitude as Captain Barbossa - you feel his lust for evil dripping from his corroded mouth. Jonathan Pryce as Elizabeth's mother is reduced to another background stick figure, like most of the cast.
As directed by Gore Verbinski ("The Ring"), "Pirates of the Caribbean" is gorgeously shot but it is as spiritless and nonsensical as any gibberish from Disney these days. Overlong to the point of dragged-out, tedious, joyless and frenetic with cannon blasts and gunfire every few seconds, "Pirates of the Caribbean" makes me long for the simplicity of Errol Flynn.
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