Alexander Review
by Ryan Ellis (flickershows AT hotmail DOT com)December 7th, 2004
Alexander
a satirical roast by Ryan Ellis
December 3, 2004
A SPECIAL NOTE FOR THOSE WHO CARE: The following conversation may or may not have taken place. Okay, it didn't...but it should have. And if somehow it DID, then my cruel satire just became ridiculous truth.
Colin Farrell is guzzling some pints with his buddies in an Irish pub. Oliver Stone slams open the gull-wing doors, tells all the women inside to get the hell out, then stomps over to where Farrell is sprawled in a booth. Knowing the filmmaker's aggressive reputation, the Irish buddies flee. Thus, it's Colin and Ollie, one on one.
OLLIE: You know me, right? I'm the guy who directed 'U-Turn' and 'Heaven And Earth'.
COLIN: Shit, yeah! Those were brilliant flicks. (raises his enormous eyebrows in excitement) You've got a part for me in your next film, don't you? OLLIE: (sitting down while glancing around for CIA informants out to get him) I do. You, Colin Farrell, will be Alexander The Great. Blonde wig, short skirt, the works. And you won't even have to lose the accent. I'm goin' for this whole multi-culti dynamic. No one in the picture will sound the same. Most of the headlining cast will be American. And when it's all over, if you feel like you hardly learned anything new or interesting about one of the greatest leaders in history, job well done. Let me tell you a secret about this business. You don't give away too many secrets.
COLIN: (thoughtfully) I can see it now. I've always said that men would follow a guy like me to the ends of the earth. So maybe it's the beer talking or the fact that I'm exactly the kind of alpha male you've glorified your entire career, but I'm in.
OLLIE: Don't you want to know more first? For instance, Alexander tried to unite the world. (leaning forward, more intensely) His mama insisted he was the son of Zeus. I, for one, believe her. He died at 32...
COLIN: (doing some quick mental math) Same age as Jesus!
OLLIE: Well, almost. See, here's the thing. (takes a deep breath) I've been studying this guy since I was 3 months old and he's...
COLIN: (interrupting) Three months old? Hang on, I'll let you trample me with a horse or maybe even an elephant. You can even give me putrid dialogue, but THAT sounds like you're stretching the truth.
OLLIE: I've never told a single lie in my life. There's documentation to prove my infallibility, but you'll have to look it up for yourself. Anyway, back to the film. I can't get a studio to finance it and no actress old enough to actually BE your mother wants to work with either of us. Bitches. COLIN: Well, give Jolie a call then. There's a chick who's hot as hell and can do accents nearly as good as Streep...usually. But she's made 300 shitty movies in a row, so she could use the work. And I bet I can convince her to bring her knife collection. (bangs the table) We can save some money right there! OLLIE: Fine, but Olympias likes to play with snakes. Think she'll bring some of those with her instead?
COLIN: I'll just call the Crocodile Hunter. He likes to danger it up and let kids share breathing space with lethal reptiles. (bangs the table again) You should write a scene like that!
OLLIE: I will. (jots down notes) Kid, snakes, cheesy symbolism, got it. (looks up) That croc guy knows the score. Whatever it takes to get the film made. Okay, so you're definitely in then? (Farrell nods as he downs half a pint in a gulp while simultaneously smoking a cigarette and goosing a passing waitress) I think I can get Kilmer to play your old man. You're about 28 and he's only about 45, but he'll do the part. He owes me for all that psycho Method shit he pulled on me during 'The Doors'.
COLIN: You know who I love? Tony Hopkins. Why don't you use him as the windy narrator and give him a glorified, pointless cameo to bookend the picture? OLLIE: (with gap-toothed grin) I like the way you think! We also need a best friend for Alexander. Brad Pitt already said no to playing the gay lover...what a pussy...so maybe I can get Jared Leto. That guy can act and he'll look awesome in eyeliner.
COLIN: (stunned) Hold on, back up. Alexander's gay?
OLLIE: Truth? He likes to switch hit, really. Look, don't worry about it. Your only actual sex scene will be with Rosie Dawson, who's even hotter than Jolie, by the way. You two will rough it up in the sack and audiences will think they're watching bad porno.
COLIN: (sighing) Gay, huh?
OLLIE: Don't get hung up on that. It's just like America in the 21st century. You can be gay or bi or whatever, but they won't let you actually screw guys. Society will collapse if we have see that. Kids will die from the shock. The FCC will implode. So it's enough to just suggest gay love.
COLIN: Bloody right! On the other hand, gimme enough drinks and I've got no problem kissing dudes. Boning would cost you extra, though.
OLLIE: (confidently) Let's just let you play tiger sex games with Rosie. That girl could be the next Pam Grier. She's super hot and she's got tits til Tuesday. Maybe I'll produce a remake of 'Coffy' with her in the title role. COLIN: Awesome. Who would she play?
OLLIE: Coffy. The title character.
COLIN: Oh. Fuck, man, you're moving too fast. My head's spinning. (downs half of his latest beer)
OLLIE: Wait, you've given me an idear. We'll have dozens of scenes of the Macedonians getting shitfaced and acting like assholes. Yeah! They'll party and fight like they're college freshmen. The whole flick can't be epic battles, after all. Oh, and when we get to the war scenes, I'm gonna out-gore 'Braveheart'. That way, we can have more than 2 hours of hysterical soap opera shennanigans and the critics can't say I made the film just to drench Asia in blood.
COLIN: (excited) Oh, yeah, I get to kill the shit out of Arabs! Let's have lots and lots of that and not so much of the necking with Jared Leto stuff. OLLIE: (ignoring the homophobia) They're not really Arabs, though. They're called Persians in this picture. It's interesting---Alexander conquered most of the known world, but he overextended his army when he attacked the Indians. That'll be the climax, although I think I can draw the film out long, looooong after that scene. It'll be sensational.
COLIN: Back up. I thought Indians wore facepaint and sent smoke signals. When did Alexander fly over to the States and why is he fighting the Apaches? OLLIE: (exasperated) You fuckin' jerk, INDIANS! People from India. (calms down) I shouldn't get too mad at you. Kilmer asked the same question. COLIN: How about the way you'll shoot the movie...
OLLIE: (interrupting) Film. I make films, not movies.
COLIN: (impatiently) Okay, you're gonna get Bob Richardson to shoot it and John Williams to do the music, right?
OLLIE: No. They passed.
COLIN: Why?
OLLIE: They read the script.
COLIN: (puzzled) Well, anyway, I love when you change film stocks and dick around with the editing. It's serious overkill, but we always know an Oliver Stone film by the crazy cutting. (grinning) That's reason enough to work with you.
OLLIE: Nah, I'm not gonna do that wacky crap this time. I want to make the film as indistinct and flat as possible. In fact, it'll be so generic, until people see the credits, they won't know I directed it. (voice rising) That'll show 'em! That's MY artistic choice and if the critics don't like it, they can kiss my ass! I was in Vietnam, I was shot, where's my respect?!
COLIN: (wildly gesturing at Stone) Vietnam! That's right. You were there. People say your head is still stuck in 'Nam, but I don't believe it. There's no way our movie...I mean, film...will have Viet undertones.
OLLIE: But it will definitely mirror current events. Let's just say that if those wiseass critics compare Alex to Dubya and then draw parallels to our picture and the way America acts politically and militarily, let 'em. They'd be right. Which is a first. I don't think a critic has ever been right. COLIN: (taking a drag on his cig) Here's an idea, let's make the battle scenes as nuts and incoherent as possible.
OLLIE: Did you say "incoherent"? Or did you say "realistic"? I've been in war. I know how insane and muddled it is. And if we can disorient the audience to the point where they give up trying to figure who's where and what they're doing, all the better.
COLIN: Just thought of something. You gotta gimme a pseudo Mel Gibson speech before I lead the men into battle.
OLLIE: Mel Gibson? Pffft. He makes "movies"! I can write/direct/produce/propagandize circles around that guy.
COLIN: Do you like ANYBODY?
OLLIE: (gap-toothed grin) I like YOU. I'm asking you to spend months with me in Thailand.
COLIN: (suddenly uncomfortable) And Angie and Val and Jared and Rosie too. OLLIE: Of course, them too. This will be the highlight of all of our careers. Fuck all our Oscars. 'Alexander' will be a million times better than anything any of us have ever done. Maybe 20 million times better!
COLIN: Well, I don't know if it's gonna be historically accurate at all, but it sounds like a 2-hour festival of fun.
OLLIE: (grinning) Two hours? Betcha I can make it three.
COLIN: (thumbs up) Whatever you say, Oliver. I will do anything you tell me to do. Well, most anything. (looking forlornly at his drained stein and his empty cigarette package) So are we done here?
OLLIE: Yes. (standing up) I should get back to the hotel and do some more writing. I don't want it to look like we made the film without a script. COLIN: Now who would think that?
To satirize me right back, write to [email protected] Check out my website at http://groups.msn.com/TheMovieFiend
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
