Assault on Precinct 13 Review
by Johnny Betts (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)January 20th, 2005
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Assault on Precinct 13
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Keeping watch over a rundown Police Precinct on an icy New Year's Eve night sure sounds simple enough. What could possibly go wrong?
Welp, check your Action Movie Clichés Dictionary and you'll find the answer. Problems arise when a van transporting Laurence Fishburne and other hardened criminals to the city jail finds itself unable to traverse Detroit's icy streets. What are the viable options? I'll give you a clue - there is only one .. DING DING DING ... Take up residence at the nearby Precinct 13 for the night.
OK, no big deal. The night might not be as quiet as hoped for, but how hard can it be to baby-sit this group of punks? There's John Lequizamo as the drugged out Puerto Rican. Then there's Ja Rule as the "gangsta"
who refers to himself in the 3rd person. And then there's some chick who is cursed to forever be recognized as "the black, manly-looking chick who guest-starred on [fill in name of cop/forensics show]." Oh, wait. Then there's Laurence Fishburne. The only intimidating guy in the bunch. He could be a big problem because he's one of the most notorious mobsters/gangsters in town.
As expected, Fishburne does indeed become the key to everything. It doesn't take long for a few masked invaders to storm the Precinct. They want Fishburne. The cops originally assume that it's Fishburne's men trying to help him escape, but we all know that's not the case. Rogue cops haven't been invoked yet, and rogue cops always make an appearance in an action film like this, so who's after Fishburne? ROGUE COPS! You see, they've had some dirty dealings with Fishburne, and they fear their corruption might be exposed if he talks. They have no choice but to eliminate him. I'm sure it was a big moral dilemma for them, but a choice had to be made.
This is where the fun begins. Because he and his men are badly outnumbered, Roenick decides to arm the four prisoners. That's cute and all, but what happens if the siege is diverted? Roenick tells the prisoners they'll remain under arrest, and they'll "figure it all out later," but I'm thinking a group of armed thugs will take exception to that, especially after helping cops survive an attack by other cops.
Oh well, what can you do? It's at this point that the bullets and the clichés start raining down on us harder that Ike Turner's fists on an ex-wife. You're not gonna walk out of this movie soused with originality, but who cares? This is just solid, action movie fun.
You'll ooh, you'll ahh, you'll grimace, and you'll make fun of the cheese. Allow me to share some of my favorite ridicule-worthy clichés from the movie:
* Rogue cops magically block everybody's cell phone signals. We're not really given a reasonable explanation. I guess the director thought they needed to answer the "why can't they use their cell phones to call for help" question but neglected to realize people might wander how the signals were blocked. It's called movie magic.
* Professional snipers apparently can't hit the broadside of Rosie O'Donnell's monolithic buttocks from a few feet away. Oh, they hit all around their targets; they just can't hit the actual target. My favorite example is when a couple of the prisoners are outside hiding behind a snow bank. The sniper can see the prisoners behind the snow, but he responds with, "I don't have a shot." THEY'RE BEHIND SNOW! When, in the history of the world, has soft, fluffy snow ever stopped a bullet?
* Bad guys "monologue-ing" instead of shooting. Why do bad guys insist on giving long speeches before killing their adversary? The speech is always juuuuuuust long enough to allow the adversary to escape the desperate situation he faces. Do movie bad guys not watch movies? You'd think they'd learn.
* A completely unsurprising plot "twist." Stevie Wonder called; he said he saw it coming a few miles away.
But again, who cares? If you can buy the 5'9" 150 lb Ethan Hawke as a tough guy cop, then everything else should be easy to swallow.
One thing that I appreciated, a facet that will probably be lost on the average soccer mom, is the movie's "show no mercy" attitude in regard to who gets killed and how. In movie land, the rules clearly state that all innocent people should survive, all actors who are somewhat recognizable should survive, and no animals are to be harmed. Clearly, Assault on Precinct 13 wasn't made aware of these rules. I warn you now, don't get too attached to any particular character. Everybody is fair game for a graphic bullet to the head. And if you're squeamish when it comes to violence towards animals, well, keep in mind that a dog actually gets punched in the face.
I just wish there had been a better lead actor for me to cheer for. Hawke is serviceable as the head cop, but I've just never been a huge fan. The fact that Fishburne could obviously snap him over his knee, and I would have had no problem with that, doesn't help. I think the biggest thing hurting Hawke is that records confirm that the name on his birth certificate is NOT "Tom Cruise." Someone needs to alert him of this fact and tell him to drop the impersonation.
THE GIST
Assault on Precinct 13 is an action movie for the Grand Theft Auto video game crowd. It's loud, it's fast-paced, it's profane, and it's in your face. It doesn't pretend to aspire to be great art. The goal is to entertain, and the goal is achieved. If you're squeamish with violence, or if you're looking for intellectual enlightenment, then I recommend looking elsewhere.
Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)
Johnny Betts
The Movie Mark
http://www.themoviemark.com
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