LanceWindu: One time this douche K.Diddy got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco
wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for everyone on KMC and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, K.Diddy! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?" And he said to me, "Lance, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out ?" K.Diddy was a weird little 14 year old.
Vince: You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in france?
Black Dave: What do they call a quarter pounder with cheese
Vince: A Royale with cheese
Black Dave: Royale with cheese, i like that.
Black Dave: What do they call a big mac?
Vince: well, a big mac is a big mac. But they call it Le Big Mac
Black Dave: Le big bac, thats cool.
Black Dave: What do they call a whopper?
Vince: I dont know, i didn't go to Burger King
PART I
=====
(scene of David strapping on armour)
Vinny: (hands David his elven dagger)
Vinny: You have led us this far, we have not gone astray.
David: Really?
Vinny: Oh, sure. Forgive me.
David: There's nothing to forgive, Vinny.
David: Seriously, I let Boromir die, Frodo wander off alone, and Merry and Pippin get captured. And you say I haven't led you astray?
Vinny:.....okay, I take it back.
(Lea walks in and forces a chainmail vest over her head)
Lea: We had time, I'd get this adjusted.
Lea: It's a little tight across the chest.
David: Yeah, Lea. That's because you have a little something called boobs. Unlike us.
Vinny: (giggling)
Lea: Oh, shut up. And they're not little.
David: Okay, fine! They're big honkin' huge mofos! Happy?
Lea: Do you really have to put it like that?
David: Oh, sure.
(Lea gives David the middle finger)
(tune is heard in the air)
Vinny: That is no orc horn.
Lea: No kidding. I don't think orcs play "Pop Goes the Weasel" with bagpipes.
Vinny:.......ah, shut up.
(Lance strides up at the head of two hundred 03'ers)
Lance: Long ago, we swore an allegianc -
Vinny: Oh, when was this?
Lance: Long ago. Like I just said.
Vinny: Really?
Lance:.....yes.
Vinny: Oh wow, why?
Lance: Let me make my f*cking speech, okay?
Lance: Yeah. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, we swore an allegiance long ago an -
Vinny: So what's the issue?
Lance: Okay, seriously. I am a nanosecond away from ramming my dagger up your ungrateful ass.
Vinny: Sorry.
Lance: Do you think I marched a thousand miles just to hear your stupid, nasal, whiny voice interrupting me at every turn?
Vinny: Nossir.
Lance: And don't you think that we're being generally courteous to come to your aid at this time of peril?
Vinny: Yessir.
Lance: Then shut your f*cking mouth and let me do the talking.
Vinny: Well, what about -
(Lea stomps on Vinny's foot violently)
Vinny: GAH.
Vinny: (whispering) Lea, for a petite, you weigh a f*cking ton.
Lea: It's all in the legs.
David: Oh, I'm sure it is. *shifty eyes*
Lea: Seriously, look at me like that again and I will ram this axe up your..
David: Point taken. Sheesh.
Vinny: (whispering) Hey, Dave. I don't think she likes you.
David: No shit, sherlock. Put it a lid on it or I'll ram this dagger up your ass.
Vinny: Two identical threats in the same hour. Ugh.
Lea: Put a LID on IT. Or I will make it THREE.
Vinny: Yes ma'am.
PART II
======
Lea: What's happening out there? I can't see!
Vinny: Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box?
Lea:..........*reluctant laughing*
Lance: Okay. From my keen 03'er eyes, I spy with me little eye...
Vinny: A rock?
(Lea stomps on Vinny's foot again)
Vinny: AY.
Lance: Okay. Listen up everyone! Their armour is weak at the groin!
David: Really?
Lance: From the looks of it, yeah.
Vinny: Nice.
Vinny: LET'S SHOOT US SOME ORC PENISES!
(Everyone starts laughing and takes up the chant)
"Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis!"
Down on the plain.......
Uruk-Hai 1: Why are they saying "penis"?
Uruk-Hai 2: I dunno. Maybe they plan to take a piss on us when we try and scale the ladders.
Uruk-Hai 1: Ewwwww! That's nasty.
Uruk-Hai 2: Are you gay?
Uruk-Hai 1: No.
Uruk-Hai 2: Then why the hell are you making such a big deal over their pee landing on you?
Uruk-Hai 1: It's gross.
Uruk-Hai 2: Yeah. Newsflash, bro. We're URUK. F*CKING. HAI. We're supposed to be gross.
Uruk-Hai 3: Or maybe they plan to shoot our dicks out.
(Every orc within hearing range shudders)
Uruk-Hai 1: Damn. I ain't charging.
Uruk-Hai Commander: Lemme put it this way, you pussies. If you don't charge, Saruman'll replace those dicks of yours with pussies. Literally.
(Every orc within hearing range shudders)
Uruk-Hai 2: Well...I suppose getting an arrow in the little guy would heal.
Uruk-Hai 1: Personally, I think it'd be cool to have a vagina. Apparently it feels better.
Uruk-Hai 2: Dude..............just..........shut the F*CK UP!
KMC Community Forums
May 30th, 2006 01:06 AM
