Fun'n'Jokes Thread

post funny pictures, quotes or jokes here. here are some of mine..

*A little boys parents were arguing one day and were calling eachother "*****" and "bastard". The boy overheard this and went up to his dad and said "daddy, whats a *****?"
the dad said "nothing son, it just means a lady"
"ok" the boy said and went to his mum next. "mummy, whats a bastard?"
His mum said "nothing son, it just means a man"
"ok" the boy said.
The next day, the boys parents went to the chemist and brought some condoms and the boy asked "mummy, daddy, what are condoms?"
They replied and said "its means coats"
"ok" said the boy. Later that day, they were expecting guests and his mum was upstairs putting make-up on. Of course, the boy was in there and his mum dropped her foundation on the floor and said "shit!!"
He then said "mummy, what does shit mean?"
she says "oh nothing son, just means make-up"
"ok, wheres dad?" he asked
"hes in the kitchen"
So he went downstairs into the kitchen and saw his dad cutting chicken. His dad cut himself and shouted "****ing hell!!"
The boy knew what hell meant so he said "daddy, what does ****ing mean?"
his dad just said "nothing, just means cutting"
Just then, the doorbell rang, and the boy went to get it as his parents were busy. He opened the door, it was the guests and the boy said "hello bitches and bastards, can i take your condoms? My mum is upstairs putting shit on and my dad is ****ing the chicken"!!!!!!

*My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again

*Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.''
The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.

The genie turned him into a woman

bump

redneck joke: you know you're a redneck when you're too drunk to fish.

Originally posted by dave123
bump

interesting... 😕

bumping uglies?

Dave's on a bumping spree of never replied to threads.

only the 2!

dream joke: i had this dream where i was eating a huge yummy marshmellow. when i woke up, my pillow was gone! 😆

hmm..i think u "bumped" it a little early, it has like 7 replies

Originally posted by dave123
only the 2!

Maybe today, yes. But you seem to do this often. 🙄

only when i'm bored

You're always bored.

sils gone for a few minutes and BAM, i start bumpin threads

🪩 I feel honoured

lil asked me to make a thread cos conversation was slow (well, there was no convo) without you, but i'm too lazy and bumped some instead

Originally posted by dave123
sils gone for a few minutes and BAM, i start bumpin threads

more like:

mc mike starts a convo with me and BAM, i start bumpin threads

😛 🙄

😂 true, that

thanx dave, your a real pal

So you want jokes A?

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked them out.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to
each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly
sees what he wants and what concerns him.

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Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says,
"it's been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the
best story gets to go in."
the first guy said,"i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on
me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our
apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the
worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked
out the window, and here's a guy who's hanging from my telephone wire. i
hammer his fingers, but he doesn't drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator
out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and
i threw it out the window and i fell out with it."

the second guy said, "i was an innocent window washer and i was washing
windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next
thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and
started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator
drops on me and i die."

the third guy says, "Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said."

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=== In Trouble ===

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly

finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty

group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly

to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a

voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed.

Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in

the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds

to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body,

breathing heavily and surrounded by 100

natives with a look of shock on their faces,

Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW

you're screwed."

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Lessons For Life

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit

saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do

nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped

on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get

to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"

replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey

pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon

he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's

responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we

carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands

said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all

the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and

the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So

the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the

feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain

fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the

Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the

work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do.

Lesson Number 4

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a

pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last

meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,

he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten

too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked

around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up

against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,

thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when

he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know

you're full of shit.

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<<<When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?>>>-

-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

-Readers Digest: 'BYE

-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

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TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...