Fun'n'Jokes Thread

Started by Crash_Overload2 pages

Crash_Overload Tonk's Husband

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An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15
minutes of fishing,ol grandpa takes out his flask of wiskey
and starts drinking. His grandson ask's,"Can I have some Grandpa?
"Can your dick touch your ass?" he replies.

"No"

"Then you're not old enought,sit down"

Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel
and starts to puff away. His grandson ask's "Can I have
some of that gramps?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?"

"No"

"Then you're not old enought,sit down."

Feeling bad the little boy sits down and starts to eat some
chocolate chip cookies that he brought along.Grandpa sees these
cookies and ask's,"Can I have a cookie?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?"

"Yeah"

"Then go **** yourself cause grandma made these for me."

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Forest Gump Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He
is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed,
however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says,
"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot
about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and
we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter.
I was looking forward to this. But nobody never told me about any
entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough
test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test
I have for you is only three questions.

Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next
day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think about the questions, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one was: "How many days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today
and Tomorrow."

St. Peter's eyes open wide, and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not
what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess
I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?" says St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?

"Now that one's harder", says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second...." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's
go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy". "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I
can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in heavendid you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the
song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME"

"Run Forest, Run!"

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his
cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead!
What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make
sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair,
and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the
heck am I doing?" he thought, and
pulled over.

The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the
car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a

woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with

tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with
matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus'
first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus
only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once
again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt
to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily
from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman
went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

MC Mike Voice of the Voiceless

I've read most of those. 😛

Crash_Overload Tonk's Husband

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Times When The "F" Word Was Appropriate

10. 'What the **** was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945

9. 'Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877

8. 'Any ****ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does SO ****ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the **** did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566

4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna ****ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. 'Scattered ****ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC

2. 'Aw c'mon, who the **** is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997

1. 'I need another parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head!' - JFK, 1963

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Homer:"Ooooooh, they have the internet on computers now!"

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Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are
out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,
that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and
my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the
land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come
into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000
feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country;
nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."

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There was a Genie that saw
a bear chasing a rabbit the
genie said if the bear stops
he will grant them each two
wishes. They Agree the bear
says " I want to have the
bigest penis that any bear
ever had so it is granted
the rabbit says " I want
a motorcycle" the genie
shrugs and grants his
wish. Then the bear
said I want all
the bears but
me to be female
that is also granted
then the rabbit starts
his motorcycle and says
"I wish the bear was gay" and rides off

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Times When The "F" Word Was Appropriate

10. 'What the **** was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945

9. 'Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877

8. 'Any ****ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does SO ****ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the **** did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566

4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna ****ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. 'Scattered ****ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC

2. 'Aw c'mon, who the **** is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997

1. 'I need another parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head!' - JFK, 1963

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Homer:"Ooooooh, they have the internet on computers now!"

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President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."

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Crash_Overload Tonk's Husband

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Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener,
and requires you to read the directions carefully
before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However,
the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each,
which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but
now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be
a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When
you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to
ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you
don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer.
Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.
Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink
a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the
same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes
you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of
people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful.
The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes
like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but
when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer
in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows
95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at
the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only
buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go
out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like
Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the
can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000
Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging
from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce
brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different
brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own
can opener around for these occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who
has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their
recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so
now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold
very well, because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz
can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't
changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start"
button to turn the engine off!

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Crash_Overload Tonk's Husband

Dear Journal,
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just
stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five
minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this
situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He
was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid
and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated
me on passing their little test.

Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Yours

Tex

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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
ceehiro
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Legolas: "Lembas! One small bite fills the
Stomach of a grown man."
Merry: "Eeerr...How many did you eat?"
Pippin: "Four."

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The following are real school excuses,
explaining the reason behind the absence of
students. Enjoy! :-)

12. Please excuse my son for being absent yesterday,
because there is a river in our house.

11. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.

10. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

9. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

8. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his face.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins.

6. Chris will not be in shcool cus he has an acre in his
side.

5. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.

4. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrheea and his boots leak.

3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

2. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

and last but not least...

1. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot!

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This one is appparently a true story...

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,
at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to
talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for
coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a
fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing
gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a
manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was
his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside
each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired
a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After
he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned
to the bride and said **** you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded
crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first
thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the
engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes
through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's
parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception.
Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing
the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends,
their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!

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The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and
knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?"
Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is
puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent."
Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in
this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city."
So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves.
Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks
on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok,
are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There
are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns
in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO!
THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle.
A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun
answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?"
The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE
NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in
the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy
returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start
running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN! DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN!"

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Crash_Overload Tonk's Husband

IRELANDS Y2K STATEMENT

"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every programme in every system.
We have analysed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission,
and have now implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect
your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December.

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K"
problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and
our team is glad to help in any way possible"

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Once upon a time, there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
who lived in a house. This house had a magic mirror. A person would
just simply stand beore it, and say something, such as "one plus one
equals two." If the statement was true (in which this case it is),
then the
person would still be standing there, neither better nor worse. But
if the
statement was false, then they would disappear.
One day, the redhead walked up to the mirror and said, "I think
I am
the smartest person in the world."
*POOF* She disappears.
Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I
am the
most beautiful person in the world."
*POOF* She disappears.
Then, the blond comes up. She stands there for a while, thinking
hard. "I think--" she begins.
*POOF* She disappears.

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JACK HANDY

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on
a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit
by meteorites and not even feel it.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down
in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like
they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern
with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once
in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later
that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade
at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe
it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while
they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

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SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the
customer. Make them feel special

[knocks on door, fish opens door]

Fish: Yes?

Patrick: I love you.

- - -

[Inside Spongebob's mind. ]

Spongbob boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

Spongebob worker: You don't pay me. You don't even exist.
We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Spongbob boss: One more crack like that and you're outta here!

Spongebob worker: NO! PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!

- - -

Mr.Krabs: Patrick your fired!
Patrick: but mr.krabs i don't work here
Mr.Krabs: would u like a job
Patrick: would i ever!
Mr.Krabs: welcome aboard
Patrick: what do i do first?
Mr.Krabs: your fired.

- - -

I WILL GIVE 20$ TO WHOEVER READS ALLLLL OF THAT!!!

dave123 Funny Boy

DEAL