*Slides Naz a beer.
ok so while we're waiting for the boss to get up on stage. I'll do the warm up show.
*Kicks Jukebox
*steps up on stage with mic.
Ok so I lost a bet...
(To the tune of "I will survive"😉
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer.
You can sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared.
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With **** that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.
It's time to go, run out the door.
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
I will survive, I will survive, I will survive!
Phoe....... Sure honey, take as much time as you need, but before you go, check these out 😉
THE STELLA AWARDS
It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella
Awards." The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in
the United States. The following are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the
store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.
5th Place (tie): A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda
Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving
a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage had locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food. He sued the home owner's insurance claiming
the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the
tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might
have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was
shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him
$1,750,000 plus a new motorhome! The company actually changed their
manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other
complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.