50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort
Or, 50 ways to considerably shorten your lifespan
List submitted by Kunal, origin unknown. If you wrote this list, let us know so we can credit you.
1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.
2. Ask him if he has any grey poupon.
3. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."
4. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
5. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Teach him how to spit tobacco.
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'
29. Tell him he should really try the 12-step program (baby steps) for Evil Overlords - Evil Overlords Anonymous.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
36. Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'
INSIST THAT THE SORTING HAT MADE A MISTAKE.. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN GRIFFINDOR!
GIVE HIM A MICHAEL JACKSON CD & TELL HIM THAT THE KING OF POP CAN GIVE HIM BEAUTY TIPS - ESPECIALLY ON HOW TO DEAL WITH HIS PALE SKIN & RED EYES!
TELL HIM "DUMBLEDORE IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU, STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT!" WHEN HE TURNS AROUND & SEES NO ONE, SAY "GOTCHA!"
WHENEVER HE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK, QUICKLY COVER YOUR NOSE & OFFER HIM BREATH MINTS!
TELL HIM YOU'VE MET PEOPLE MORE EVIL THAN HIM!
TELL HIM WORMTAIL HAS GOT A CRUSH ON HIM!
GIVE HIM MILK & COOKIES B4 HE GOES TO BED - LETTER-SHAPED COOKIES SPELLING "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT"
IF HE REFUSES, TELL HIM TO JUST PLAY WITH THE COOKIES AND SPELL OUT OTHER WORDS WITH IT!
. ASK HERMIONE TO SEND HIM A SCHEDULE ORGANIZER & A WOOLY BLADDER FOR X'MAS!
PUT GLITTERS ON THE DEATH EATERS' CLOAKS!
STEAL & HIDE HIS WAND - TELL HIM LUCIUS DID IT!
SEND HIM A SINGING HOWLER - SINGING "SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES"
13. GIVE HIM A RED STRAIGHT-JACKET WITH A BIG LETTER "V" FOR HIS B-DAY!
TELL RITA SKEETER ABOUT A (MADE-UP) SWEET, ROMANTIC TALE OF HIS LOVE LIFE!
CALL HIM "THE-MAN-WHO-LET-THE-BOY-LIVE" !
ARRANGE A TUPPERWARE PARTY FOR HIS COMING-BACK ANNIVERSARY!
ASK HIM QUESTIONS BEGINNING WITH "RIDDLE ME THIS.." STRESS ON "RIDDLE"!
WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD & SAY "MOSQUITO!"
Tell him that "Snake eyes is just NOT a good look for you, Voldie daahling!"
SEND HIM A BAG FULL OF LOVE LETTERS AT VALENTINES DAY
CALL THE ANIMAL PROTECTION OFFICE AND REPORT NAGINI!
live through one of his killing spells... it worked for Harry.
sauron
send him 100 pair of prof lockharts robes which he wore on valentines day for new death eater costume
Tell him that Lucious has been going around telling everyone "Voldy-woldy just asked me to marry him!!!"
For his b-day cover his eyes with eyepatches and lead him to the ministry of magic with a mollion aurors ready to attack. Instead of sayin "Surpise!" theyll say "Avada Kedavra!"
give him a play by play on where he went wrong w/ trying to kill harry........now you see voldy, if you would have just raised your wand a little higher here (whips out a diagram) things would have gone a LOT smoother! You know, you really need good wand height in order to execute this move properly...
Buy a cd full of love songs and tell him to listen to it!
Also, get the queer eye for the straight guy people to come to his house and get a makeover
tell him in a real sweet voice, you know how he feels, but dont worry I still love you then give him a coupon to a psycho therapist, to help him with his awkward feelings.
Start to stalk Voldemort and tell him that you like him and want to go out with him (It will be even funnier if a guy did it)
Place a charm on him so whenever he walks into a room 'here comes the bride' plays
or an article by rita exclusive you know who (the coward known as voldemort) is not a pure blood wizard,
that would totaly do his head inconsidering the way he targets muggleborns and halfbloods lets out him surley then he loose credit with those of his deatheaters that don't know.
get dumbledore to do the most powerful accio spell.
accio voldemorts hair
make a pollyjuice.
look like voldy
and get one of your mates to take a pic of you naked with a sheep smile
Dress up as Sauron the Great and say your a bigger badas$
look him straight in the eye and call him VOLDIE!