*opening scene of a worm *
Audience: are, we erm…at the right film??
*squelch *
Deagol: ive got one! Smeagol, I have one smeagol
Smeagol: I have on two…all boys do, see its called a..
Deagol: no no, not one of THEM, a fish!
Smeagol: (in extrememly high voice that makes you wonder did he hit puberty?) pull it in precious (he doesn’t have precious yet….but apparently the rings pull was very strong lol) pull it in my love
Deagol: (chuckles) ok smeagol, ok ok, don’t go on! (is pulled in water by fish)
Smeagol: your not too, strong are you mate….mate?….hello!?!
(shot of deagol being dragged away by a fish, that’s looking alarmed, well you would wouldn’t you, having HIM holding onto you)
Deagol: shiny (this came out as bubble bubble, but for the sake of the audience, I translated it, bubble is I believe….water elvish for ‘saurons great ring’)
Smeagol: argh, deagol, my precious my love my darling one!
Deagol: (flies out of the water) look, my hand is actually gollums on FOTR prologue, im such a star! (hands are so disgustingly muddy)
Smeagol: heheh DEAGOL ! I found you, I left our boat unattended, and paddled over here, even though the oars fell out with you! (sees ring)
Howard shore: NOW!!!
Music crew: BOOOOOOOOM
Smeagol: give us that, my love
Deagol: why? Finders keepers…
Smeagol: (tries to snatch)
Deagol: you fight like a girl, you talk like one too
Smeagol: don’t go there bed wetter!
Deagol: you swore you wouldn’t tell! (pushes)
(girly fight erupts, not girly as in they mud-wrestled, that would be inappropriate, not girly like those woman boxers either, but girly as in they pulled hair, they scratched, they slapped…you know, the things those 11 year old girls do when they have a misunderstanding)
howard shore: hit it!
Computer man: (flicks switch)
Dun dun, dun dun, (yes…it’s a heartbeat, genius) (*manly* strangling goes on,) dun…..duuuuuuuun (silence)
Smeagol: I wiiin I wiiin, (gets ring)
Ring: talk screeeam whoooo (<<sounding like an T.V aerial)
Smeagol: erm, how are you talking, sauron is not actively ‘awake’ yet, I mean im supposed to have the ring 500 years before bilbo finds it, and he has it sixty, so therefore you aren’t supposed to declare yourself for 560 years, and even if you ARE awake now that would mean sauron could sense all the times I wear the ring and all the times bilbo wears it, making it very easy for him to re-take it..
Ring: dude,,,,,it’s a film!
Smeagol: ooooh right…
(voiceover)
gollum: for 500 hundred years it poisoned his mind
PJ: HIS? I think you mean to say ‘it poisoned my mind’
Gollum: it poisoned peter jacksons mind
PJ: NO NO!!! YOUR mind, Gollums mind
Gollum: it poisoned gollums mind
PJ: and who are you, gollum, so you say in these exact words it poined my mind
Gollum: in these exact words it poisoned my mind
PJ: I give up
(scene cuts to aragorn, gandalf,gimli)
(rides)
gandalf: im am wise, and white, yes, I can dye my beard, the white wizard is evil, he must be de-armed
aragorn: but….aren’t YOU the white wizard
gandalf: yes, but as a white wizard I can break the staff of saruman…the other white wizard
aragorn: so theoretically, he could also break your staff….
Gandalf: SILENCE!!!!!!
(scene cuts to merry and pippin)
pippin: this is just like at home, after a hard days work
merry: firstly, you’ve never DONE a hard days work, and secondly how the hell is it like home, look behind you, theres a big smouldering tower…and lots of walking talking trees
pippin: well….im just trying to make conversation pippin! Anyway look at that shiny thing in the forest
merry: its…the white wizard!! TREEBEARD!!!! TREEBEARD!!!!
Gandalf: its me, fool of a took
Pippin: but, your….dead
Gandalf: no…I rose from the dead
Merry: erm…isn’t that, blaspheming
Gandalf: how?
Merry: well…jesus Christ?
Gandalf: who?
Saruman: gandalf, you have come to isengard, no longer seeking my council, where is theoden, I need to speak with him, then you break my staff
Gandalf: that bit was cut from the film, your not even in it! Hahaha
Saruman: your lying!
Gandalf: no see for yourself
(tom bombadil, and the sackville bagginsess drag saruman away)
(camera goes to gollum, and frodo, and sam)
Smeagol: time to talk really loud and make the audience think how the hell are the hobbits not hearing this
Gollum: ok, you do that! Il make cool reflection camera tricks…..anyhow…lets talk loudly about killing hobbits
Smeagol: yes yes LETS KILL THEM, but they is always watching, they will see smeagol!
Gollum: then we take out their eyes! Or their contacts…whatever
Smeagol: and take the precious for MEEEEEEEEE
Gollum: what?!?! Dude…..its mine!
sam: (appears, goes crazy) you two faced monster!!
Audience: he still has those bags on, does he like…sleep in them!?
(30 second pause while everyone tries to hear the line they missed)
Audience: hey…hehe he actually IS two faced!! Hahaha good one sam!
Sam: (continues beating the hell out of gollum, who screams so loud)
Frodo: (FINALLY wakes up) no sam! NO! (grabs sam)
Sam: oh baby, you know I like that!
Frodo: (lets go amazingly fast for a hobbit)
Sam: sorry but he means to kill us!
Frodo: he is leading us to mordor, its our only way!
Sam: I have another way
Frodo: you do not!
Sam: I do sir….we fly in
Frodo: FLY?!?!?!
Sam: on the eagles……it would save us all the death
Frodo: O_o
(audience gets bored of the love-fest, lets get back to the battles and gore…and people being killed for no apparent reason)
Theoden: lets drink to those who died! Hail, the glorious dead! May they live long and prosper!
Aragorn: (waits,,,,takes TINY drink…nonce)
Eowyn: westu hal,
Aragorn: no no, its EAST to hell, west is to minas tirith
Eowyn: anyway I cannot see your blatant un-love for me, so I will keep trying, here have some soup
Theoden: I also cannot see his blatant un-love for you, well, I can really, I am happy for you,
(scene of somebody who has managed to climb up a vertical cliff face on a horse)
audience: must be a showoff…
aragorn: I was awake and drinking about a minute ago, yet now im sound asleep, *jumps up with dagger*
random soldier: theoden king requests your company
*aragorn goes to see theoden and strange hodded figure*
Aragorn: THEODEN!! LOOK OUT!!! A RINGWRAITH!!
Theoden: *runs out screaming *
Hooden figure: humans!
Argorn: human! Singular wraith!
Hooded figure: *swoosh * *is elrond *
People who have read the book: what the hell is this, it cant get any worse!
Elrond: arwen is dying
23 people of the audience: jesus *leave *