Jokes and Funny Poems

Ok, If you have ever heard anything funny that you think might make the rest of us laugh sen it here

example: "The Baby Chicken Asks"

" Are I people?" Baby Chicken askes
"No, your chicken" Mamma Chicken answers
"Are chickens born?" Baby Chicken askes
" No, their laid." Mamma Chicken asnwers
" Are people laid?" Baby Chicken askes
" Not all, some are chicken" Mamma chicken answers

😄

A small boy is asked to find out the first four letters of the alphabet for his home work.
"Mother, what is the first letter of the alphabet?" He asked his mother, who was doing the ironing.
"Shut up and go away" she replied.
The boy went to his father.
"Father, what is the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the boy's father roared; the football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" the boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action man the greatest hero of them all!" he cried.
"Sister, what is the forth letter of the alphabet?" the boy's sister was playing with her barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the barbie car beep beep!" the boy's sister sang.
The next day in school the teacher asked trhe boy what the first letter was.
"Shut up and go away" he replied.
"Do you want to see the principal?" teacher yells.
"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The boy is sent to the head.
"Who do you think you are?" the head shouts in his face.
"Action man, the greatest hero of the all!"
"How do you think youre gonna get away with this?"
"Drive away in the barbie car beep beep!"

I love your rack,
I love to shack,
up with you,
and do it too...

hahaha! Nice!

Ok, sit back for this one, it's quite a story:

Some guy is sitting in his yard on a sunny day, reading a book. All of a sudden he hears a strange sound coming out of his large tree in his yard.
He steps closer to investigate and what do you know, there is a big, fierce baboon in that tree, shouting and shaking the branches!
'Just my f*cking luck' the guy thinks and goes inside his house to get the Yellow Pages. After some searching he finds an advertisement from the B.D.U.: The Baboon Disposal Unit.
'Goodie!' the guy says to himself and picks up the phone to call them.
Not even 15 minutes past the call a van labelled 'B.D.U.' parks in front of the guys house and a man in working clothes steps out and rings the doorbell.
Guy opens the door, B.D.U. man announces himself as Hank, from the B.D.U. 'Well, show me the case', Hank says, and the guy leads him to the tree.
'Aaaah, that's a class 3b, I have something for that' Hank swiftly notices and goes back to van, followed by the guy.
Out of the van Hank pulls a net, a club, a little dog and a very big machinegun. 'This will only be a matter of minutes' Hank assures.
'I do like to believe that, but what is the plan?' the guy asks.
'Well' Hank replies, 'The strategy is like this: I'll take this club, climb up in the tree, sneak up to the baboon, hit it across the scull and knock it out of the tree. Then my little doggie there will run to the baboon, bite it in the balls which will paralyze it and then I can fold the baboon in the net and get it to the zoo. Piece of cake!'
'very clever, but what about that big machinegun?' the guys asks curiously...
'Well, that's a safely issue' Hank answers 'Cause there is a chance that the baboon will spot me before I get to hit it out of the tree, and it might knock me down first!'
'In that case' he continues 'You must grab that gun and shoot the dog as soon as possible!!'

okaaaaaaaaaay.....................shoot the dog............hmm

Not getting it?

nope

Guy goes in a shop and says to the shopkeeper "can i have a Bee please?"
"A Bee?" the shopkeeper asks
"yes a Bee" the guy says
the shopkeeper replies"we donut sell Bee's"
the guy says "well there is one in your window"

THANK YOU 😄

courtesy of Q.I

Originally posted by noodlenoggin
nope

The dogs trained to bite the balls of the thing who falls out of the tree. So in case the plan fails and he falls, then he doesn't want the dog biting his. Hysterical if you ask me.

My idea exactly! Mucho gracias for your understanding

Denada, and no prob.

For the likes of you, who can understand a good joke, I have some more!

O goodey

Ok! To explain the next one, I'm Dutch, and we Dutch like make fun of Germans all the time. You know, just like Americans and Canadians, English and Scotchs and so. Live in to that idea and it will make this next one worth the reading:

Here we go!

On a late afternoon in 1960 there is a train passing trough a mountain-area somewhere in Europe... This is an old train, even in that time; no inside lights or heating..
Inside one particular car of the train are sitting: a nun, a Dutchman, a beautiful blond babe and a German.
The ride is going on quite relaxed, until the train goes trough a dark tunnel, and since it has no inside lights of it's own, everything goes dark... And all of a sudden there is the sound of a loud slap!
The train exits the tunnel and gets back in the daylight, and there is the German rubbing his painful jaw!
'Ahaa!' The nun thinks, 'That naasty German wanted to feel up that pretty blonde in the dark, she did not agree and hit him straight across the face! Good job!!'

'Ahaa!!' The blonde thinks, 'That nasty German wanted to grab me, but got the nun instead in the dark, She was obviously not amused and hit that sucker right across the jaw! Good for him!!'

'godd*mn!!!' The German thinks, 'That nasty Dutchman wanted to grab that sexy blonde, she was not amused and tried to hit him, but slapped me instead in the darkness!'

'Hell yeah' The Dutchman thinks to himself, 'At the next tunnel I'm gonna hit that German across the jaw agian!!'

😂 😱 that was funny

A couple were going to bed and the husband noticed his wife set a glass of water on the counter. She took out a jar and popped one of the pills.
"What're those for?" the husband asked her.
"Oh, these? These are just to help me feel younger."
The husband shrugs. "If it's good for you, it's good for me." he says, and takes a handful.

The next morning, the wife woke up alone. Her husband was nowhere to be seen. She looked everywhere, and she finally heard someone sobbing at the front door. Sure enough, it's her husband, crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she said urgently.
"I missed the school bus!!" he wailed.

lol

this guy goes to the doctors office because he is worried he will lose his sight from masturbating too much,so he fills out his forms and hands them in and a few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells him he has to quit masterbating,the guy asks why am i going blind?,the doctor anwsers,no its disturbing the other patients

MOre!!!

These are hjilariousd..

A man discovered that a sentient gorilla had decided that it wanted his 500-year old backyard oak tree as its home.

Worried how this would affect him in general, he called the exterminators but not one of them was willing to take on a gorilla. Finally, one thought he had an idea. Immensly glad, the man agreed for him to come over.

When the exterminator arrived, he was armed with only four things: A very angry chihuahua, a large pole, extra-large handcuffs, and a shotgun. He explained his plan:
"Now, I'm going to climb into the tree and poke him with the pole until he falls to the ground. Then the chihuahua will go for its..."sensitive" area. The gorilla will automatically cover its area to protect against the indecent assault, which will allow me to handcuff it and bring it to the zoo."

The other man thinks about it and asks, "Okay, what's the shotgun for though?"

"If the gorilla knocks me to the ground," the exterminator said grimly,"I want you to shoot the chihuahua."