Jokes and Funny Poems

Thats the same thing!!!!!!!!!

Well a new joke:

A crew was on the deck of their pirate ship. A captain and the first mate were standing together when they saw a small pirate ship. "Bring me my red shirt" said the captain. The first mate brought it and the captain put it on. A battle happened and the captain won! They were talking again un til they saw a bigger ship! The captain again asked for his red shirt, he put it on and a battle happened. Afterwards the first mate asked "Captain why do you always ask for your red shirt?"

The captain replied "In case I get stabbed my crew wont lose hope and see the blood.

A giant giant giant ship headed towards them!!!!!!!!!!

The captain called his first mate over and said " First mate!! bring me my brown pants..."

God I love this one!!! 😆

Ok, There is this dumb blonde going to the barbershop...
She is wearing a walk-man, and desperately tells the barber not to take the ear-plugs out while he is cutting her hair...
'That will be ok!' th barber assures the dumb blond chick and commences cutting her hair.
But at a certain point he is forced to lift to ear-plugs out of to blond's ears to continue creating the desired hairdo. Luckily, the dumb blonde chick has fallen alseep so he gently pulls the plugs out and goes on with the cutting....
When done, he discovers the girl has died in the progress of the hair-fixing!
Totally stunned and shocked, the barber grabs the ear-plugs from the walk-man and listens to them; 'Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...'

Can you explain that?

Originally posted by dark1365
A man discovered that a sentient gorilla had decided that it wanted his 500-year old backyard oak tree as its home.

Worried how this would affect him in general, he called the exterminators but not one of them was willing to take on a gorilla. Finally, one thought he had an idea. Immensly glad, the man agreed for him to come over.

When the exterminator arrived, he was armed with only four things: A very angry chihuahua, a large pole, extra-large handcuffs, and a shotgun. He explained his plan:
"Now, I'm going to climb into the tree and poke him with the pole until he falls to the ground. Then the chihuahua will go for its..."sensitive" area. The gorilla will automatically cover its area to protect against the indecent assault, which will allow me to handcuff it and bring it to the zoo."

The other man thinks about it and asks, "Okay, what's the shotgun for though?"

"If the gorilla knocks me to the ground," the exterminator said grimly,"I want you to shoot the chihuahua."

That seems a bit familiar!

We need new jokes!

And no, I will not explain any posted before, get 'm or miss 'm!

why?? i migth ask

Yes why???

Well anywayz......a new joke 😱 I got it off joke.com

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

😂

A new one:
from jokes.com

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

Originally posted by JLred
Can you explain that?

She was following the instructions from the walkman. It was telling her to breathe in and out. When the barber removed them she stopped breathing. If you still don't get it i'm sorry. But it was a good joke.

*tries to think of a joke*

Two ice creams walk into a bar........

*struggles*

.....that's just amazing in itself isn't it? I mean, two ice creams walking into a bar, that's pretty impressive by any standards.....

*runs*

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

😂 Good one!! 😄