X-men 3

I'm writing my own x-men story. tell me what you think so far:

The thick, black clouds stretched over the vast landscape that was, until recently Alkali Lake. It had been flooded and its facilities destroyed. Thunder echoed through the deserted lake as rain fell from the skies and hit the flood with a sharp plopping sound. A jet engine noise broke though the air and cut the sound of thunder like a sharp knife. The jet passed over the lake and touched down on a high rock that was just inches over the water. The door opened and a man with a visor on along with his uniform ran down the platform and stopped at the edge of the cliff. His name was Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops. He jumped into the water and looked around. He stopped as he saw a woman with dark, red hair. This woman was called Jean Grey. She had died a few months ago sacrificing her self to save the lives of her friends. She was slowly decomposing. Scott swam vastly toward her. Scott grabbed her under her arm and pulled her back up to the surface of the water. He grabbed the edge of the cliff and pulled them both out of the murky water. He stared into the eyes of his dead girlfriend and slowly started to cry. Suddenly, Jeans eyes opened and she grabbed Scott by the throat and started to squeeze. Jeans body started to smoke and after a few seconds, it burst into flame. Scott started to burn as well as the fire spread over him rapidly. He started to scream as all of alkali lake seemed to fall away into blackness. Scott’s skin and flesh blew of his skeletal structure. Scott started to scream even louder and rose quickly out of his bed, sweat dripped of his head. He has been having these nightmares ever since Jean died. He looked to the other side of his bed and saw an empty space where jean used to be. He put his hands to his head and rubbed his eyes. He got out of his bed, put on his bright blue dressing gown and walked out of his room into the hallway.

should i continue? or should i stop writing?

Continue, definately. Use paragraphs, though.

ok. thanks for the tip.

yea, it's really good! I never took to X-men, but that part was absolutely amazing! definetely write more.

i don't really follow up on X-men but i can tell that who likes X-men will enjoy your story

wow. thanks. ill type more and post soon

Looks good...

couple of minor niggles (cyclops cant cry), but its not huge things...

Look forward to seeing more... 🙂

~He cried in the movie...~

Anyway, there were a few things, you changed from past tense to present tense a few times: "He has been having these nightmares ever since Jean died." instead of using 'had.' Yes, you should use paragrahs as well, and her is my advice, when you use paragraphs, make sure you put a space in between each one. This way, your post will not look like a long blob of writing that nobody wants to read.

And good story! Do continue! 🙂

ok. pr1983, it was a dream, it should have told you that it was a dream when he did. hot sauce, i am no good at writing fan fics thats why i come here to practice plus take a story into my own hands and do what i want with it. but yea both comments noted. and i will use paragraphs next time. thanks

Originally posted by hotsauce6548
~He cried in the movie...~

Anyway, there were a few things, you changed from past tense to present tense a few times: "He has been having these nightmares ever since Jean died." instead of using 'had.' Yes, you should use paragrahs as well, and her is my advice, when you use paragraphs, make sure you put a space in between each one. This way, your post will not look like a long blob of writing that nobody wants to read.

And good story! Do continue! 🙂

Movies blow... and are incredibly inconsistent with the comics... this story seems better already...

Originally posted by The Ones
ok. pr1983, it was a dream, it should have told you that it was a dream when he did. hot sauce, i am no good at writing fan fics thats why i come here to practice plus take a story into my own hands and do what i want with it. but yea both comments noted. and i will use paragraphs next time. thanks

even though it was a dream... 😛

lol. ok. part 2 should be online in about 10 minutes. (it would be longer waiting time but since im getting so much more positive feedback than on my other storys i thought i should 2 atleast 1 part a day)

Cyclops walked down the dimly lit metal hallway and got to the door with a huge X on it. Inside was a huge room shaped like a sphere with a pathway to the centre where Professor Xavier locates mutants. He knew the professor would know how to solve his nightmares but he thought he better not disturb him when he was inside. He waited outside cerebro for almost an hour when the professor’s wheel chair noise could be heard behind him. He came round the corner of a hallway. Feeling slightly embarrassed that he waited outside when no one was in; Scott walked toward X and started to speak. “Professer. I was wondering if you could help me with a problem.” “Yes Scott” Xavier replied.

“I have been having these dreams, well not dreams exactly, nightmares” Scott started to say. “Its about Jean, I rescue her, and she bursts into flame.” As soon as Scott said this, Xavier turned his head away as if trying to hide something. “Well there’s not much I can help you with. What do you expect me to do?” Xavier asked. Scott turned round, almost mad and yelled: “STOP THESE GOD DAMN DREAMS FROM HAPPENING!!” his voice echoed 50 times through the hall. Both Xavier and Scott were shocked that he yelled at X. “im sorry” Scoot said in a soft voice. Xavier looked up and said in a deep and chilling voice “So am I”

thoughts? comments?

Well, there were some spelling errors as well as grammar errors.

"...his nightmares but he thought he..." This is a run-on sentence. To fix it, place a comma before the conjunction: "...his nightmares, but he thought he..."

You used the word 'he' too many times in one paragraph. This creates confusion for the reader when you are talking about two male characters. I got confused several times; I didn't know if you were talking about Xavier or Cyclops.

"Feeling slightly embarrassed that he waited outside when no one was in; Scott walked toward X and started to speak." You shouldn't have used the semicolon. You would need a comma in this case, because 'Feeling slightly embarrassed that he waited outside when no one was in' is not a complete sentence. Also (even though this is a personal opinion) I would not abbreviate Xavier to X. It seems to detract from the grave mood that you have in this story. It seems kind of like, I don't know, a nickname that neighborhood friends would call him by.

In both paragraphs, you have two people speaking in the same paragraph. ANYTIME somebody new speaks, you need to begin a new paragraph.

“Professer." Professor is spelled with an 'or' at the end, not an 'er.'

[“Yes Scott” Xavier replied.] should read ["Yes, Scott," Xavier replied.] or, if you meant it as a question. [Yes, Scott?" Xavier replied.] If you have somebody directly addressing someone else in a quotation, the name needs to be set off by commas. If you end your quotation but it does not end the sentence, you need to put a comma instead of a period before the quotation marks. However, if your quotation is a question or exclamation, you should use the question mark and the exclamation point.

[“Its about Jean, I rescue her, and she bursts into flame.”] should read ["It's about Jean. I rescue her, and she bursts into flame."] 'Its' shows possession. 'It's' is a contraction for 'It is', which is what you needed for the sentence. And this is also a run-on sentence; it is showing two complete thoughts with no stppage in between.

[...mad and yelled: “STOP...] You should not have used a colon. A comma is correct here, since it is before a quotation ending the sentence.

[his voice echoed 50 times...] 'his' should be capatalized. It is beginning a new sentence.

[“im sorry” Scoot said in...] should read ["I'm sorry," Scott said in...]
'im' is NOT short for 'I am.' 'im' is not even a word. Of course, you need the comma before the quotation marks, and I know when you wrote 'Scoot' you meant 'Scott.' 😉

[...deep and chilling voice “So am I” ...] You need to have a comma after 'voice' since it is before a quotation. [...deep and chilling voice, "So am I" ...]

That's all I could find. Sorry for being like an editor, but you said you wanted practice, so I figured I'd help you out with your mistakes. 😄

Anyway, I'm sure you know all those rules that I have just mentioned in this post. Here is my advice: before you post any kind of story, revise it carefully. I can guaruntee you that, no matter how mistake-less you thought you wrote, you will find mistakes and typos.

Anyway, now for the actual content. You've got me very interested, and I would love to see where this story goes! 👆

lookin great The Ones. type more soon! jeez Hotsauce, I don't want to be rude, but you don't have to point out every single mistake he made. You could have just said the part starting with the first "anyway" instead of listing every single error. Nobody's perfect. I'm not trying to start trouble, I'm just sayin try not to point out all the faults.

I know, I know, I know. But he wanted practice, and perhaps he didn't know the rules of the English language I had listed. I wasn't trying to be a pain; I was only trying to improve his writing. 😉

But then again... just as well, the Ones, if you do not want me to revise your work, all you need to do is tell me. When I review people's works, I usually revise them as well. Sorry if you did not like that. 😮

Only trying to help! 🙂

thanks. but i was typing in word and it told me to put all that in. next time ill have to go on my own steam. thanks for the great feedback. this may be the first successful story ive worte.

by the way i was going to have sentinels in my story but i dont know much about them. could someone pm me a link about there history and powers etc.

Understood Hotsauce 😄 Sorry if I came off as rude. Type more soon The Ones!

this has got to be THE most successful story i have writen allready its gained around 20 posts in 2 days. my other ones took 3 months to get to that. and everyone who has commented likes it.

anyway heres more, tell me what you think:

Scott turned around faced Xavier, “what do you mean?” Scott asked in shock. Xavier turned toward him. “Do you really want to know?” Xavier asked. Scott was almost torn with feelings, he didn’t know whether to trust Xavier from his last words and actions, but he wanted to find out everything about his nightmares as possible. “Yes” Scott replied. Xavier smiled and rose out of his chair. Scott immediately knew this was and impostor. He lifted up his glasses and almost instantly a bright red focused energy beam flew into the direction of Xavier. But Xavier put up his hands and stopped the beam in its tracks. The beam started to curl around and slowly head towards Scott. Scott wanted to stop the beam from rebounding but if he put down his glasses the impostor would get an attack in. Scott started to strain as the beam and edging toward his head.

Scott and The Impostor heard footsteps come rushing round the corner. The figure came into view. It was Storm. The beam sped up and hit Scott in the face knocking him unconscious. Lightning surrounded Storm and then used all of her energy to throw it at the impostor. It hit the impostor with incredible speed and accuracy. But he wasn’t harmed. The impostor ran at storm and grabbed her throat and held it up in the air. The impostor’s skin changed and manipulated into rogue. Storm looked into her eyes and seemed to look through it and knew it was her. The real rogue. Scott rose up from the floor, lifted up his glasses and fired at rogue.

more coming tomorrow