My aunt's cousin, Navy SEAL, who died in that helicopter crash.
i owe kmc a talk.
to all those who care, here you go.
i havent been around for a reason.
my friend of 6 years, my best friend. my ex, my first love. decided we cant be friends anymore because her boyfriend is a super jealous *******.
so she walked out on me, this wrecked me.
but thankfully my good friend kristin (immaturerainbow) was there to pick me up, and keep me together. i didnt ask her to, and she didnt know she was doing it.
i fell for her. anyone who could take my mind off that loss was someone who held a power over me. i was scared. i didnt know what to do.
i told her, i told her i loved her, she made me happy. she made me feel things completely new to me, the thing i thought was "love" the thing i felt for my ex was nothing compared to how kristin made me feel. was nothing compared to what the sight of her smile alone, the sound of her voice, or even just the light in her eye, could do to me.
i was honestly impressed that i could feel this for anyone.
we started dating, as im sure some know.
she became distant, wouldnt talk to me, and me, being me, i have this strange value to communication, i need it, i thrive off of it in my relationship, i want to know what i can do to make this person happy, at every second of my day, i feel obsessed with knowing them, understanding them, trying to better myself for them. be less of an ass and be a good boyfriend.
but when she became distant, i felt a pain, greater than when my ex ended the friendship. it ruined me.
my friends had no idea what was going on but knew that whatever it was that happened was enough to shake me hard enough to give my life a massive turn around.
i was crying, everynight for weeks. i was doing things i wouldnt do ever just to try to distract myself, i was honestly completely someone else, and my closest rl friends were really worried about me, because even at the bar, some girl ontop of me, and a drink in my hand, laughs all around, i was ready to break down and cry. im impressed i handled it as well as i did, and i really didnt handle it well.
and i met someone. tabitha. amazing girl.
she took my mind right off kristin. she made me happy for the first time in weeks just by smiling at me. i dropped to the floor and fell for this girl on the spot.
i asked her out.
she said yes, and i was happy.
me, being me, have a rep for being depressed. because i am a depressed guy.
it didnt take long for me to love tabitha. infact, the way i felt about her that first day was the way i felt about kristin at the peak of my love. i thought to myself "holy shit, this needs to happen" and it did.
i havent been around because ive been off with tabitha literally having the time of my life, i have never been more happy. i didnt know i could feel this way about anyone period.
and then she too became distant.
i blame myself for so many things in life. even things that are not my fault- i still feel guilty about. and it weighs me down.
tabitha and i just broke up.
she isnt willing to even try to fix this, and the fight... was over communication.
when i say, that i just went through this, i mean it.
the scales of emotion were upped. the amount of happiness was higher.
seriously, everything that i felt for kristin was 5 times that of my exes, it was new, it was insane, and i was scared.
and that was nothing compared to how i felt about tabitha, to how i still feel, to how im going to keep feeling.
i love kmc, i love all my friends here, and we've been together a long ass time, you've heard me tell lies, speak the truth, tell jokes, get ripped out. you've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sexy times.
kmc is as much a part of me as my lungs. and kristin was my air.
but tabitha was my heart.
i can not handle this.
to do this twice in 5 months, with the two most meaningful people in my life, with the two people ive loved more than anyone else, more than kmc, more than my family, more than my friends who have been there time and time again for years, YEARS! and i cant handle this.
i was terrified that this would happen, i am terrified of what im going to do. i cant handle this.
i have been crying for days, days, before the break up even happened.
i know a lot of people here dont care, or think im gonna be alright, or think im overreacting.
im not lying, i know myself well enough at this point to say, im 22, ive seen things, ive done things. and i know my limits.
im a control freak, who has no idea what he's going to do next. i have never gone a day without a plan. and i have nothing.
i dont know where im going to be, i dont know if its even the right thing to do, i dont know what i need right now, but im walking away.
i cant be downtown because she'll be downtown, at my bar, at my friends house, she is very much so a part of my group and i cant ask them to kick her out. i feel like its my fault this happened. i feel like its my fault it happened with kristin.
i feel like its my fault my first ex didnt say "we've been just friends for 5 years, knock it off, he aint a threat" i feel guilt, and shame, and like i need to be punished. i feel like the amount of work ive put in since quebec to change myself needs to be taken away from me.
im willing to do anything anything on the ****ing planet, im willing to give up my secrets, my life, my everything just to have forgiveness from either one of them. i know i did nothing wrong, i know i did everything i could to be the best boyfriend either of them have ever had, and i feel like it wasnt enough. like i could have and should have tried harder.
i feel like the biggest waste of flesh, and i know i cant handle this.
this is going to weigh me down for the rest of my life, just like how im still weighed down by hitting that girl in grade-school, i still feel like shit for hitting a girl 16 ****ing years ago. and it wasnt even a big hit. i hold onto these useless pains because i feel i have to take it, because i feel im unworthy of happiness. and the two times in my life when i go and try, and i mean seriously ****ing try to put shit behind me, and to get over it, and to be happy, i get ****ed. i get straight ****ed because the women i care about and would do anything for, are too ****ing afraid to just tell me they are afraid.
are you ****ing kidding me, and now i have to live with that, i wasnt good enough, i didnt make them feel safe enough that they could tell me that. you have no idea what that does to me, and neither do they.
so im saying it here, on kmc, right now.
i am afraid, i am honest to god afraid of what im going to do, i am honest to god afraid of losing them, but i cant face them, i cant handle this. i am not good enough. i feel like shit, i did those things, and i am sorry for it, i am sorry for all of it, and nothing i can ever do will get them back.
i am terrified and i am crying, and i have been for days, and months, and im guilty, and i have no idea whats going to happen next, and the only thing i do know, is that its 100 % over, its not even a chance of talking it over. i fight and i fight and i fight, i have been fighting all week and all night crying for her, dying just to get her to ****ing speak to me. and i have never been more ruined in my life, i have never been in more pain in my life, i have never been more afraid in my life. and the one person who can fix this, refuses to speak to me, refuses to give me a chance when i sat by and did so many things for her that every single person i know took me aside and told me that its clear i love her like you only read about or see in movies.
and i cant handle it.
im walking away for a while.
and im not going to be okay for a while.
i just went through this with kristin. and now its worse on a completely higher set of scales.
i am afraid.
with everyone around me, i feel so alone, and so empty.
dont pm me, dont hit me up on facebook asking if im okay. because im not okay.
also, 8038 characters long, new record.
im so sorry you have to go through this. it really hurts to know that you're hurting and i can't help as much as i want to. but ill always be here, for you. always. i know you don't want me to be, but i will, because i love you, Dave. i always will. im done trying to go away from you, so im never going away again. you might not always need me, but when you do, just know that im here. just because you can't see me, hear me, or you don't think about me, ill be here for you. because it's the best i can do and it's what i want to do.