Important After-School Specials with POTC

I found them!

This one is courtesy of Barbossa

(Will and Liz at the drive-in)

(Will yawns and puts his arm around Liz)

Liz: Did you get enough popcorn?

Will: Yeah. Uh, Elizabeth?

Liz: Yes, Will?

Will: I'm so glad I got you to wear my class ring.

Liz: (gazes at it) It's so shiny and perfect. It's so nice we're finally going steady.

Will: It is.

(Liz kind of looks at him like "that's it?"😉

Liz: It's sort of special.

Will: Yeah. (dreamy)

Liz: Maybe there's a way to make it more special?

Will: How?

Liz: Well, (slides over to him and starts kissing his neck). We are due to be married and...

(Barbossa steps out of the movie they're watching)

Barbossa: Freeze!

(Liz and Will stop moving)

Barbossa: A lot of you will find ye-selves in this same kind of situation- unprotected, premarital sex. Remember, condoms never, ever work and will make things fall off. What's that, ya say? Birth control pills? Sure, if you want to bleed from the inside out!

Liz: I sure am glad you changed my mind, Barbossa.

Will: Yeah. That would have been an awful pain.

Barbossa: Remember, kiddies, there are ways to make love without making love (winks at the camera)

This public service announcement was provided by Port Royal Blacksmiths Union. If it ain't metal, you shouldn't be pounding it.

Jack's Lesson

Jack (is the narrator, camera pans to Will walking home from school in a letterman jacket): This is Will Turner. He's a bright, athletic, intelligent young man with a wonderful singing voice.

(Will enters his house)

Will: Mom? Dad? (sees note on table) Dear Darling Son, We will be out for a few hours. Fish sticks are in the freezer. Golly, a few hours all by myself. What should I do?

Jack: What indeed?

(Will goes up to his room. He pulls out a Victoria Secret catalogue)

Jack: After a hard day at school looking at several developing girls, Will is experiencing what your health care provider would call, lust.

(Will goes into the bathroom, has an evil grin on his face)

Jack: Many of your friends will tell you masterbation is healthy, that it calms the nerves and makes you stop thinking about that pretty girl you saw on the volleyball court today. Let's see if Will feels any better.

(Will leaves the bathroom)

Jack: How ya feelin, Will?

Will: Sullied and unusual. And stiff.

Jack: Ah. Very common. You boys out there should know, masterbation will lead to stiffness of joints causing premature arthritis. That's no good for earning that football scholarship to State University. You feel that shameful feeling, Will? (Will nods) That's Satan trying to possess you.

Will: HOLY GUACAMOLE! How do I stop this? (starts to rip out hair)

Jack: Hold on there, champ. Masterbation can be countered with simple time management.

Will: Time management?

Jack: Yes. Why, look down here at all this metal. Someone should be making swords out of them.

Will: That sounds fun.

Jack: And someone should be brushing up on their skills with them.

Will: Well, (blushes) I am a pretty good swordsman.

Jack: And why shouldn't you be? (pats him on the head. Camera shows Will doing fantastic moves) Time spent on honing in on your skills and keep your hand out of your pants and Satan out of your brain. Wow! Look at that parrying. That's pretty impressive swordsmanship. Plan on wooing any strumpets?

Will: Oh no. I need to concentrate on being the best swordsman ever.

Jack: That's the spirit, Will!

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Ball&Chain Tavern. If she breathes, don't marry her.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my goodness.. cant believe i hadnt read these before. you HAVE to do more!!!

Will's first lesson

(We see Will hard at work in the blacksmith place. He looks up and smiles)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith. If you're like me, you've been waiting for the next product, the next big thing to make your life easier. While I can tell you a million things that AREN'T this product, I can tell you one that is...The Stabomatic Sword.

(swishes an impressive Norrington-esque sword around)

Will: I can't tell you how many times in my life I've been thankful to have a quality sword by my side.

(flashes)

Will: Get dinner out (flashes to him stabbing dog with the keys)

Will: Entertain guests (flashes to when he and Jack fight in COTBP)

Will: Keep Grandpa company (flashes to doing sword stuff in front of Gov. Swann)

(Quick flash to Liz)

Liz: Swords sure are a great device for all those things? How do I get one?

(Will looks up again)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith. Swords can be purchased from blacksmith shops, owned and operated by the blacksmith union.

(quick flash to Jack)

Jack: Wait! Do you discriminate who you sell them to?

(Will looks up again)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith. I know what you're going to ask. Does it matter if you're a pirate or an officer when it comes to buying swords? Not at all! If you have the booty, we've got the blade. So come on down to Mr. Brown's Sword Emporium for the new Stabomatic model. We've got a lot and all must go.

Norrington: I'm first in line!

Will: That you are, James. That you are. Remember, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith, and stop by now!

The William Turner Guide to Proper Speech

(Will is in his blacksmith shop. He pounds a sword, then looks up)

Will: Hi, William Turner, blacksmith. We've talked about where to find discount swords, but now I have something more important to talk to you about: proper speech in the professional Port Royal world.

(takes a stroll)

Will: You see, there is pirate dialect and legitimate citizen dialect. You'll want to avoid phrases like "aar" and "shiver me timbers."

Barbossa: But that be pirate slang, boy!

Will: Exactly my point, good sir. No one wants to engage in commerce with a pirate. You'll find proper speech comes in handy in all sorts of situations.

(Cut to Norrington proposing to Liz scene)

Norrington: ....a marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman, Elizabeth.

(Elizabeth is about to speak, but Will steps in between them)

Will: Freeze (Norrington and Liz freeze). A marriage proposal is a tough thing for any woman. Let's watch and see if Elizabeth uses proper speech.

(Elizabeth faints and falls into the water)

Will: Ooh, sorry, Elizabeth. A simple, yet polite and professional response would have been, "I do believe we would work better as friends or mild acquaintances, Commodore." Rule 1 of proper speech, no theatrics.

(Cut to Jack and Elizabeth on the island. Jack is smashed)

Jack: ...I know exactly what you mean, love.

Will: Freeze. (scene freezes) We all know Jack Sparrow has a way with words, but they are employed through pirate dialect, not proper speech. Watch what happens.

(Jack passes out)

Will: Poor Jack. Proper speech would have given him something like, "I find your company very pleasurable and arousing. Why don't we move this party into the ocean so I can bathe after we're done," would have been a particularly exciting use of proper speech.

(back to the blacksmith shop)

Will: As was clearly stated, pirate speech should be avoided in nearly all real-world scenarios. Proper speech is the key to interacting with people and making the most of your conversations. Remember, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Black Pearl. All other pearls are just marshmallows dipped in oil.

__________________

(We see Will in his blacksmith shop working. He looks up)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith. We've had a lot of fun over the years having misadventures with pirates, but today I want to talk to you about something serious-- the deadly consequences of illegal drugs.

(Cut to Tia's shack)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, blacksmith. We're standing outside young Tia's house. She was your typical, all-Caribbean girl. Maybe reminds you of yourself. She was engaged and everything, and then she found illegal drugs.

(Tia, very cleancut looking.)

Tia: What are these strange pills on the floor? (pops one in her mouth. All of a sudden, she's a foaming monster)

Will: Illegal drugs took their toll on her quickly. First, her teeth took on a grotesque, squid-kissed look. Strange bruises dwell on her neck and shoulders. Her home is a mess.

(Tia trips over all her stuff)

Will: (sighs) It's a sad sight. Strange hallucinations are often accompanied with illegal drugs. Ordinary people can appear to have a touch of destiny about them, or know what they want but loathe to claim it for their own.

(Gibbs, Pintel, and Ragetti back away from her)

Will: The bottom line is that they just alienate people from you.

(Tia offers Liz drink)

Tia: Against the cold and the sorrow. (Liz refuses)

Will: No one wants anything from a druggie. (turns to the camera) Take it from a girl who had it all, illegal drugs will mess you up and kill you horribly.

Tia: I'm not dead!

(Will hits her over the head with a rum bottle)

Will: Yep, pretty fatal. Take it from me, Will Turner, blacksmith. Real pirates say no to illegal drugs.

This public service announcement brought to you by Kraken Condoms. You don't want goo shot out all over you? Remember your rubbers.

"real pirates say no to illegal drugs".... HAHAHAHAHA oh my gosh, i cant eblieve i havent read these before. WAYYYYYYY too funny

(Will is at the helm of the FD. He then looks at the camera)

Will: Hi, I'm Wil Turner: ship captain. You might remember me back when I was a blacksmith. While we had a lot of fun doing those lessons in the past. I have a very important topic to discuss with you: beach sex. How to have it, when to have it, and what not to do.

(CUT to his and Liz's after-sex scene in AWE. Will walks the beach)

Will: Cute scene, isn't it? My first point is how to have it. Notice I didn't bring a condem. This is blatantly for conceiving a child. Combine this with the woman's flexibility (sends a wink to Elizabeth) and you've got great chances for baby-making. However, if you're like some people...

(camera quickly shows clip of Barbossa in his skeleton form)

Will: ...you may want to bring that condem just so there's not a little one of those running around.

(shows some of clip of Will nuzzling Liz's leg)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, ship captain. So when should you have sex on the beach? Any time, really, but there are some times that will make it better than others. Consider going to the beach when one part of the couple has to leave soon. This increases the passion and decreases the cuddling time afterwards.

Jack: Hi, Will. I see you're having an after school special.

Will: Why, yes I am. Fancy meeting you here. (moment of silence)

Jack: (looks down at line on script) When should you not have beach sex? (rolls eyes) I think I know this one.

Will: I'm glad you asked, my friend. I'm glad you asked. When is NOT a good time for beach sex?

(CUT TO...James and Elizabeth's scene in AWE)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, ship captain. These two have some definite chemistry here. But they're on a ship heavy with enemies. This is not a a time to have beach sex.

Jack: (says line with even less enthusiasm) Wow. That sure taught me a thing or two. (looks up) Who wrote this drivel?

Will: Now we'll discuss what not to do when having beach sex.

(CUT TO...Will and Liz back in their AWE scene)

Will: Elizabeth is quite the striking woman, but black isn't her color and I prefer redheads. But I don't say anything about faults in a woman's looks. That cuts out the beach sex and makes way for beach crying.

Gibbs: What an inspiring talk!

Will: (faking surprise) Why, Mr. Gibbs! Our expert on awkward sex.

Gibbs: Er, yes. You've been very helpful, Will.

(CUT TO...Will, back on the Flying Dutchman)

Will: Hi, I'm Will Turner, ship captain. If you're like me, you know what great beach sex is and have gotten a nice kid out of it. However, if you're one of the millions who suffer from mundane bed sex, I hope this special helped you. Good night.

Will's after-school special was brought to you by Davy's Calamari Restaurant: Davy eats it himself....because he's a cannibal!

awe... do some more! these are great!!! you should do one with Liz...

omg! these are so awesome! Did you make these? and if so! I demand more norrington after school messages 🙂

(We see Elizabeth, very pregnant and tired looking)

Elizabeth: Oh, hi. I never get to do a special. So it's my turn. Will is absent...again, so I'm going out to have some fun. This is a lesson about proper karaoke ettiquette. (she tries to stand, but being pregnant, this takes a long time)

Intermission: Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and get ourselves a snack.

Back.

(Elizabeth is up and walking down Shipwreck Cove to the karaoke bar.)

Elizabeth: You may find a few shady characters in a karaoke bar. (enters) There are plenty of ways to handle uncouth, crude, drunken pirates who have little to do. My personal favorite way is luring them in with my feminine wiles, but there is a simpler way for you more homely girls.

(She flips through the karaoke book)

Jack: What'cha doin' there, love?

Elizabeth: (to camera) This is a prime example of what I was talking about.

Jack: Whow! Been gainin weight? You know, you're still hot.

Elizabeth: Aw, thanks. (chooses a song) Here we go. (to the bar) Everyone knows the words to this one!

Elizabeth: It doesn't matter if your voice is good or not. The more drunk your audience, the more popular you'll be, so don't be afraid to show some skin. (pulls her blouse down past her shoulders.)

Elizabeth: (karaoke singing) Just a small town girl. Livin in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin anywhere.

A few minutes later.

Whole bar: (singing) Don't stop believin!

Elizabeth: Well, there you have it. We had a lovely time and managed to get out of the house for a while. (puts one arm around Gibbs, the other around Pintel) Drunken party songs bring everyone together. Don't they?

Gibbs: Too right, Miss Elizabeth.

Pintel: Thanks for talking me through karaoke!

Elizabeth: Any time, boys. Any time. (winks at the camera)

This after-school special brought to you by Discount Dan's Compasses. Other compasses just point to what you want most.

oh geeee! poor liz... hahaha.

Will: Hi, Will Turner here, ship captain. We've learned so much through the years together, and whilst I have only improved my life, you still need lots of lessons. Today's lesson: how to fight with those of the same skill level as you.

(Cuts to his and Jack's first sword fight)

Will: I said "same" skill level.

(Cuts to him and James fighting on top of the mill.)

James: Unfortunately, Mr. Turner, he's right! (slashes at him)

Will: Whow, that was a close call. Hi, I'm Will Turner, ship captain. You may be asking yourself how I let James Norrington almost kill me. Well, the number one rule of overpowering your equals is to boost up their confidence.

(James and Will fight)

James' thoughts: This is so great. I always thought he was better than me. My whole self worth is improving.

Will: You see what I did there? Now it will be extra fun kicking him when he's down.

(Cuts to the two of them fighting on top of the wheel)

Will: The next step is not forgetting your own skills. I don't want to be squashed by some giant wheel. I'd much rather die by being stabbed painfully and relentlessly by some pathetic jilted lover. So watch this move I do here.

(Will maneuvers James and continues to fight)

Will: (not paying attention to camera) Yeah, damn I'm good. (remembers this is a special) Oh. Hi, Will Turner here, ship captain. Let's talk with James to see if he's seen the light.

James: What do you want?

Will: We were anxious to know if you feel like a better person after being beaten by so skilled a swordsman?

James: F*ck you! (walks away with the heart)

Will: Yes, well, don't let bitterness do the same thing to you as it did to him. Remember, I'm Will Turner, ship captain, and I can beat you any time, any place.

This after-school brought to you by giant clocks being lifted up onto buildings.

what did will say? *pulls out sword* and finds away to put herself in the next after school special

giant clocks lifted onto buildings.... oh gee... this is great. 🙂

Will heard that Liz did a lesson so he feels the need to do another one.

Will: Hi, Will Turner here, ship captain. As most of you know, we all have a lot of fun during our adventures, especially when it comes to pulling Jack out of places he deserves to be...jail, nooses, lockers...but I'd like to explain to you in case he asks you to save him, how to properly save Jack.

(CUT TO...Barbossa coming down the stairs at end of DMC)

Will: First, you will need a brave leader that already tried to kill Jack several times. Barbossa, just why did you agree to go on the search for Jack?

Barbossa: Because that b*tch would have had me drop dead again if I didn't.

Will: Oh. Well, how did you feel when we found Jack?

Barbossa: Sweaty and hungry.

Will: Thank you. So a great leader is crucial to being able to rescue Jack out of a mess. The next thing you need is an annoying character to speak vaguely. Tia Dalma, how do you figure into this story?

Tia: Long, long ago, der was a great sailor named Davy Jones. He loved a woman who was like da sea.

Will: Was it you?

Tia: Always changing like da sea.

Will: Okay, annoying vague character, check. So what are the other ingredients to saving Jack? You need me, of course, and a character that puts me in constant conflict. Enter the wife.

Elizabeth: What are we talking about?

Will: (to us) Watch this. (to Liz) Why don't you tell me why you've been so withdrawn lately?

Elizabeth: (withdrawn) I can't explain anything right now. We just need to find Jack.

Will: So I think we're good to go. Now, obviously you need Jack to be in trouble before you can go save him. Let's go see where our favorite captain is now.

(Jack is sitting in a lounge chair, smoking a cigar)

Jack: Hello, William.

Will: Oh. You in need of any rescuing?

Jack: (looks around) No. You?

Will: No. Flashback!

(Cut to AWE when they find Jack)

Will: Hi, Will Turner, ship captain. It looks like we got here just in time.

Jack: Oh thank God you've all come! I couldn't last another day in here.

Jack: William, oh William, I never said anything like that.

Will: (ignores him) Rescuing Jack may seem like more trouble than it's worth, but it is thanks to him I have such a sweet gig here as a ship captain. So keep that in mind the next time you think of leaving him to die.

Jack: I like that. Carry on.

Will: (ignores him) This is Will Turner, ship captain. (salutes)

This after-school special brought to you by Crabby Chest Emporium: Where the Heart Is.

😱 very funny!

hahahahahaha.... so great. 🙂 keep it up!!!!

You guys are free to do them, too. I'll eventually run out of ideas. Eventually.

(Will and Elizabeth are at a build-a-bear)

Will: Hi, Will Turner here, ship captain. Before I go out to sea, the missus and I decided to create a toy in case my guys know how to swim.

Elizabeth: And my little egg doesn't just destroy them.

Will: So, when deciding what kind of bear to choose for a child you know nothing about, there are a few basics to stick to. Number one, don't pick something with claws and teeth.

(Shows picture of rabid grizzly)

Will: Yeah, not the best thing for a child to see. Second step, since you don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl, choose gender-neutral colors and interests. (picks up a lego and eyes it)

Elizabeth: If I may intercede, it is perfectly all right for girls to play with boy toys and boys to play with girl todays.

Will: Correct you are. All I'm saying is that your average baby boy does not want Polar Ballerina Bear over there. So we have the color of our bear. (they have a tan one) Now it's time to pick out some clothes.

(They go over to a table. James is there.)

Will: Well, look who it is, Elizabeth. It's another guy whose heart strings you pulled. Looks like you're working mighty hard on a cute little black bear.

James: It's for the men to compensate for the hurricane.

Elizabeth: You're building them all bears?

James: Navy bears, mind you!

Will: Now that James has his bears' clothes all set, we'll pick this simple blouse/vest combo. I wear it, and so does Elizabeth. Now, you can just sit back and watch the store people do the hard work. I recommend such magazines as People, or Newsweek, so as not to look like a little child while you're in here.

(A real little kid looks up at Will)

Will: Hi there, Will Turner, ship captain. (turns back to us) This is also a good time to improve one's marriage. (turns to Elizabeth) I'd like to hold your hand right now.

Elizabeth: Um, okay.

Will: See how that was a moment of intimacy? All in a day's work. You can accomplish just as much at your local Build-A-Bear.

Worker: Here you go, parents to be.

Will: Thank you, my good man. (holds up the bear) This bear is the manifestation of hard work, a strong focus, and the conception of your eventual child.

Elizabeth: Let's name it Bootsie!

Will: Well, okay. So we've reviewed the very serious topic on how to choose the best bears for your children. Bootsie and Will Turner, ship captain here, hoping you'll have just as great a time.

Brought to you by Build-A-Bear

lol yay bootsie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!