Important After-School Specials with POTC

(Elizabeth is being carried in a canopied matress-thing by 4 pirate servants. [see Gladiator is you don't know what I'm talking about] She orders them to stop)

Elizabeth: Oh hi! I'm just on my way to the trial to testify on Will's behaf so he can stay instead of going back onto the Flying Dutchman. I do have a lesson if you want to hear it while we make our way to the courthouse. Minions! Bring me some Dasani!

Servant: You said last time it was too watered down!

Elizabeth: (kicks him) Do as I say!

(We find out Elizabeth is actually waking up in her own bed at her and Will's house. It was all a dream)

Elizabeth: Oh. Well. I can still provide you a lesson: How to Survive in Prison without becoming someone's wife. Long ago, I sat in jail the day I supposed to get married because of some paperwork with Jack's unique way of being acquitted of every single one of his crimes. Well, I managed to get out in one peace.

(She puts herself back into an empty cell. The riff-raff next door start cat-calling her)

Elizabeth: The first part of the lesson is to be able to go into your own little world to block out any unwanted attention. (sticks her tongue out at the riff-raff and goes off into her own little world)

(Elizabeth's fantasy)

(Tia Dalma is alive, only well groomed and dressed like an English lady. She has several paper bags near her)

Tia: Children! Time for school!

(Will, Elizabeth, Jack, Gibbs, Barbossa, Anamaria, and Cotton come down the stairs one at a time like the Brady kids and take their lunches in the same order)

Tia: Be good Will. I always said you were the one with a touch of destiny.

Will: So long, Mom! (leaves)

Tia: Here's your lunch, Elizabeth. We'll talk about all your boy problems when you get home.

Elizabeth: Thanks, Mom! You're always there for me. (leaves)

Tia: Give Mommy a kiss, Jack.

Jack: (kisses her on the cheek) I'll pretend your me mum...if you'll pretend I'm your daddy later. (leaves)

Tia: Bye, Gibbs. Have a great day.

Gibbs: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. (leaves)

Tia: Here you are, Barbossa. Mommy loves you.

Barbossa: That dummy. (yells on his way out the door) It's an equilateral triangle!

Tia: Have fun at school, Cotton.

(Cotton takes his lunch and walks out)

(Elizabeth's fantasy ends)

Elizabeth: Oh. That was a bit long. Elizabeth Turner here, giving you a lesson on surviving jail. Wow, 3 hours have already gone by and I feel fine. Step 2 is to maintain your hygeine. With all the hay covered in feces and flies circling you, it can be hard for anyone to come out looking great. But just remember: don't touch anything.

(Cut to commentary of DMC just when Elizabeth hops into the carriage)

Terry (or Ted): I know I don't say this a lot, but I think this is the most beautiful shot of Keira in the entire film, which is full of beautiful shots of Keira. Her hair, the shadow, the carriage...

Elizabeth: It's all because I didn't touch anything. The last thing to remember to do is find yourself someone to bail you out. This cuts down on your jail time considerably.

Swann: Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Dad!

Swann: I'm busting you out.

Elizabeth: Sweet!

Elizabeth: See how easy that was? Afterwards, I spent my newly attained freedom by demanding things of people at gunpoint, exploring dangerous locales, and cavorting with the most infamous and sexiest pirates this side of Madagascar...or any side. Well, I have to get to the courthouse now and root for Will. Join us next time for POTC After School Specials.

This special brought to you by Hershey's Aztec Curses: Don't let the gold skull fool you. There's chocolate inside!

NOTE: I made a special prior to this one on page 3! It's funny! Don't overlook it!

HAHAHAHA oh gee.... those were both fantastic. 🙂 LOVE THEM!!! especially the brady bunch sequence. Do more!!!

(Will is scrubbing the carpeting in their house. He gives their dog [the dog with the keys] an annoyed look. Suddenly he sees the camera and composes himself)

Will: Hi there, Will Turner, retired ship captain. You heard me. Retired. I don't care what the freakin' dvd says, I'd rather clean up Patches' stains here than go back out for 10 years, so Gore and all the cult leaders at Disney can just go back to working on Enchanted 2: The Search for More Publicity. You're probably here for a lesson. Have I got one for you: kissing and sex in action movies.

(We flashback to COTBP and see Will and Liz kiss in the sunset)

Will: Ah, note the heightening musical score, the way I've cupped her face, the perverted way her dad stops to watch us. The camera pans back and it's made cinematic history. Now I'll show you how NOT to have love scenes in action films.

(We go to prison scene of DMC)

(Shows Elizabeth and DMC Will having their scene between the bars)

Elizabeth: If it weren't for these bars, I'd have you already.

Will: Hi, Will Turner here. This is not the right time for a movie kiss. Look at the lighting. Elizabeth and I both look jaundice. There's no beautiful surroundings, just stone and uh, someone's urine puddle over there. Her dad is watching again, but now he's uncomfortable...probably has been since I outed him as a pervert. Elizabeth and I also can't touch. Touching is very important in an action kissing film.

Jack: I'd agree.

Will: Why, hello, Jack.

Jack: Why, hello, Will.

Will: I was just telling our friends about how important it is to show a kiss in an action movie in just the right way.

Jack: Yes, I was listening. Congrats on winning the lawsuit by the way and getting to stay on land.

Will: Jack, I'd rather not discuss legal issues...

Jack: Thought for sure that jury of Beckett-like clones would make you go back out there, but...

Will: Yes, yes. Want to go back to the subject?

Jack: I do indeed.

(shows clip of his and Liz's kiss)

Jack: Now THAT might win some awards in the future.

Will: I highly disagree.

Jack: You said touching was very important. She has her hands all over me.

Will: Ah, but you forgot one of the most important rules of all: sexy action movie kisses must never lead to someone's death.

Jack: (disappointed) Oh yeah. Thanks for opening up that old wound.

Will: It'd be a nice example for kisses in tragedy movies.

James: Then does mine not count?

(shows clip of him kissing Liz)

Jack: Certainly not. She's not touching you at all. Tell him, Will.

Will: It's not really a stand-up-and-cheer kind of kiss. Plus you die right afterwards.

James: Hmph. Well then this isn't a good kiss either.

(shows their awkward beach kiss in DMC)

James: Ahem, James Norrington here...

Jack: ...certified ass.

James: James Norrington here, admiral extraordinaire. Note how even though the location is scenic, these two look like a couple of fish flapping around on land rather than lovers in an intimate kiss.

Jack: Fish. I like it.

James: Shut up. You insulted me. Also, note the stupid looks on their faces when they're done. Never once is Elizabeth a "tee hee" sort of girl and never once is Will a Keanu Reeves type that is at a loss for words...or any rational thought.

Will: Thank you.

James: He's more of an angry kid with a box of matches.

Will: That will do! This is my lesson.

(shows clip of wedding kiss)

Will: Now this is perfect. Scenic, the couple running to each other, clinginess...soaring music. Certainly beats the hell out of all the rest.

(shows clip of Sao kissing Liz)

Will/Jack/James: Eeeeewwwww! Turn it off! Turn it off!

(they switch off their tv)

Will: Whew, well, I think I've made an adequate lesson in spite of my entourage here. Remember, I'm Will Turner, and I'm not leaving dry land unless it's to go for a romp in the pool with my gorgeous, dangerous, and soon to be pregnant for a second time wife.

This after school message brought to you by the Davy Jones Assassin Service: you can kick and scream all you want, but we're still gonna stab you.

wonderful, as always!

I guess it's about time to start whining for more...

(Will rises out of bed and does a long yawn as he stretches. He puts on his slippers and takes off his night cap and then sees we're there.)

Will: Oh, hello! A little early isn't it? I guess you know I'm Will Turner, retired ship captain turned best selling author thanks to Oprah. Come with me downstairs where I can smell Elizabeth making some of her delicious bacon, or as we at the Pirate King house call it, Fried EITC.

(we go down the stairs with him where he masterfully dodges some of Junior's toy cars)

Will: There's so much that can be covered in the POTC series, and we've just about done them all, but while I sit and eat my crispy fried EITC and sip my straight-black coffee, I'd like to touch on something important here: the death hierarchy.

(Cut to DMC. Several extras are being pulled into the water by the kraken)

Will: (on the sail before his Errol Flynn stunt) I'm sure if you were to ask even the most hard core POTC fan, they would have to think about who Captain Bellamy is.

Captain Bellamy: Aye, tis a quandery.

Will: It's you.

Bellamy: Oh. Oh! You're the kid we picked up. The dress sniffer.

Will: Uh, yes. Er, notice the ratio between speaking lines and death. This extra (extra gets pulled in by the kraken) never had one. This extra (extra gets pulled in by the kraken) had a couple, including a trite little monologue about something about a virgin widowed before her marriage. But since he's not a pirate or a villain, his role is unimportant and no one makes a big deal of his death. Oh, so long, Captain Bellamy!

(Bellamy is pulled by the kraken)

Will: Are you beginning to understand? I'll contrast it with heroes. Take me for example.

(Musical montage of Will being saved as a child in COTBP, being whacked in the head in COTBP, fighting with pirates, dodging bullets, doing fancy sword moves, breaking out of the bone balls in DMC, not being killed by Davy Jones in DMC, surviving heavy whipping in DMC, fighting the kraken twice in DMC, being held under water in AWE, falling overboard in AWE, dodging more swords and bullets in AWE, and finally being stabbed in AWE.)

Will: You see? When you're a hero, you don't die. And when you do die, there's always a loophole. The lesson here is if you're going to be in an action movie, you can either be the one girl in the series, because then you're too pretty to die, or you can be one of the main heroes. Don't half-ass it by being an extra.

James: I have a huge problem with this lesson, Will.

Will: Ah, the best commodore there is. James Norrington! Hey, James, how's the wife doing?

James: Wife?

Will: Oh, that's right. I forgot. Well, what brings you here to my breakfast table in the midst of a lesson?

James: I put quite a lot of effort in my POTC involvement, playing a jilted lover, fighting undead pirates and still losing the girl to a blacksmith, let's see...I believe the American Film Institute named our three-way sword fight in DMC as "An Epic Struggle Between Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and the other guy."

Will: (pinches James' cheek) And what a great other guy you are!

James: Stop that! The point is, I was no extra and I still died.

(Flashback to James' death)

flashback james: I told you, I wasn't the one that farted, you were!

flashback bootstrap: I'll show you to say I farted! (runs him through)

Will: (stops himself from laughing) Well, that does throw a wrench in the lesson. So I'll just add a footnote. (to us) Don't be the loser that is the loser in the first film but then kind of goes the villain route in the second film. Stay the girl.

(shows Davy Jones knocking Elizabeth out, but she obviously lives)

Will: The anti-hero.

(shows Jack leaving the Locker)

Will: Or the actual hero of the series that has a touch of destiny.

(shows him resurrected as the captain of the Dutchman)

James: These lessons suck. I'll be at the bar.

Will: It's only 9:30am.

James: Whatever. (storms out)

Will: (is going to say something but then sees his bacon) Ooh! Fried EITC!

This special brought to you by Catherine's Corset Shop: Be Saved In Style

ROFL!!!

I love the sponsers... "be saved in style".... HAHAHAHA! 🙂

(Will lays shirtless in bed. His arms are resting against the headboard, his hands behind his head. He looks very satisfied.)

Will: Hi there, Will Turner, retired ship captain. You may ask yourself, "how does a blacksmith who has to ferry souls for 10 years all of a sudden be a VIP in Oprah's book club, host these great specials, and have the best family ever? One word: the right wedding ring. (counts his words) Don't believe me? Have I a lesson for you.

(strolls down the deck of a ship)

Will: Ah, memories. This is the same ship Elizabeth and I married on. Who knew it would still be intact?

Barbossa: It ain't. This is a replica. If we took this out to sea, we'd be swallowed up.

Will: Just the man I wanted to see...on this replica. (puts his hand up against the mast. It falls over. He dodges, but sees it's plastic) Barbossa married us, didn't you?

Barbossa: Married like I married you and then married her, or married ye like...

Will: Performed our wedding ceremony.

Barbossa: Right, right. That was a stupid idea, lad. Really stupid.

Will: Ahem, yes, well, some of you may have noticed I didn't have a ring for Elizabeth, nor did I have one when we were having our kinky beach sex. For reference on that, see my previous specials.

(Will is suddenly walking along a beach)

Will: Hi, Will Turner here, retired ship captain. This is the beach where Elizabeth and I conceived Junior. So much for the name eunuch, heh heh heh.

Barbossa: (shouts at him from over on the replica ship) Are you going to talk about a ring or not?

Will: (suddenly in a jewelry store) One of the many benefits to being a psychopath...

(Camera man runs forward with a dictionary)

Will: Ah, one of the many benefits to being a psychopomp is getting to make frequent stops. On my second to last day as a ship captain, I strapped on the buckets of water and strolled right to Kay Jewelers.

RE-ENACTMENT

(Jack enters Kay Jewelers, dressed in Will's costume and his hair is pulled back into a Will ponytail.)

Jack: (in a fake voice) Hello, shopkeep. Your finest engagement ring, please.

(store clerk is played by John Travolta)

Clerk: Here we are, an entire carat, excellent clarity and color. The classic circle shape is the best for color.

Jack: I will take it and here is the money (pays in cash).

Clerk: I hope the young lady says yes, sir. (starts dancing for no reason. Because it's John Travolta)

Will: You know the rest of the story. I came home, gave Elizabeth a proper ring, and we stayed married. Here is a photo of it. Lesson 1: put an engraving on the band. Ours says, "I will never love another." Good thing Elizabeth was true to that or I would be poor and suicidial. Ha ha ha ha! (stops laughing suddenly) Lesson 2: Make sure it's in a small black box. Women like "small" presents, hint hint. And finally, Lesson 3: Get down on one knee.

(stops a woman walking down the street)

Will: Excuse me, miss. Why do women like it when men propose on one knee?

Woman: Oh my gosh! You're Will Turner! (screams and snaps a picture) I am such a fan of the series. Do you know James Norrington?

Will: (to himself) At least she didn't ask if I knew Jack.

Woman: (pulls on his arm in a stalker-ish manner) Okay, okay, you have to call my friend and answer questions only you'd know. She'll never believe me!

(Will runs away. We see him back in home in bed)

Will: Whew! Hi, Will Turner here, retired ship captain. Watch this. (calls out) Elizabeth, do we need to go and get your ring cleaned?

Elizabeth: (calls from the bathroom) The only way you're making me take this ring off is if you pried it from my cold dead hand!!!

Will: And there you have it. My wife is attached to her ring...violently...but attached to it.

This lesson brought to you by Kay Jewelers. Get her diamonds. Then she'll do anything you want...anything.

lol excellent lesson! I learned absolutely nothing, yay! hahaha....john travolta bit.....priceless 😄

and why do i have the feeling that that woman was me hmmmm....

You know, I thought about making it a Jack-crazy girl, but I thought James would be an even bigger blow to Will's ego since he hears Jack all the time and by then it was too late for me to go back and say that it was you. Lol.

lol, I thought it's sailor when I got to James part 🙂
psychopomp - I have never heard such word, what does it means?

I found it. It means a being that serves as a go-between for the living and the dead, someone who escorts dead souls to the afterlife, which is what Will does. I had never heard of it either and thought it sounded cool.

lol, absolutely PRICELESS, I can never seem to get over how funny the sponsers are! Willo, hilarious, please do more! 😂

LOL to the re-enactment! Can you imagine Jack as Will!

My fav would have to be where they're examining the kisses, I repeat PRICELESS!

"James: James Norrington here, admiral extraordinaire. Note how even though the location is scenic, these two look like a couple of fish flapping around on land rather than lovers in an intimate kiss.

Jack: Fish. I like it.

The whole thing was absolute GOLD!

Sorry for the long post but I can't seem to stop laughing *holds side from severe cramps*

lmao willo....even i thought the 'woman' was sailor!! 😄

(Will reports from Elizabeth's hospital room)

Will: Hi, Will Turner here, retired ship captain. We're celebrating this day, January 29th, as my daughter Rosalie's birthday. Many men find it harder to raise a daughter than a son, so today's lesson will be...

(Gibbs walks in)

Gibbs: Analyzing Futurama?

Will: No. How fathers can raise daughters. For this lesson, I'll be using some role players since, heh heh, I'm the only one of my friends that has actually procreated.

(Cut to the guys who all look pissed)

Will: First, your baby will act just like a boy baby, nature's A-babies. (Elizabeth looks furious) I didn't mean that. But it's when she turns about 4 that she will start to act...LIKE A GIRL!

Re-enactment.

4 year old girl: Daddy, will you play dolls with me?

"Daddy James:" Sure.

Will: It's best to do what makes them happy. You'll be able to forge common bonds by doing other things, but for a while, do what they want to do.

4 year old girl: (has a sock wrapped around Barbie's neck) Woo! It's Wonder Woman, here to save the day from oppressive men!

James: (as random guy doll in need of rescuing) Woe is me. Save me, Wonder Woman.

Will: To feel better after doll time, suggest an activity you both enjoy.

James: Want to go to the zoo?

4 year old girl: Hooray! (hugs James. He looks happy)

Will: Lesson 2. Your girl will be easy to get along with and will hero worship her until she is about 11. Then, along with her other bodily changes, she becomes an absolute b*tch.

"Daddy Barbossa:" Oh daughter, come down and do your chores.

11 year old girl: (texting on her phone) I don't have to. It's not my house.

Barbossa: You'll live under my rules as long as you live in my house, young lady!

11 year old girl: (huffs) I hate you! (stomps to the laundry room to do chores)

Will: Those 3 little words will soon replace the 3 little words you enjoyed hearing before. The important thing, though, is that she did do her chores. There are ways to bond with a daughter at this age too.

Barbossa: You finished all your chores this week, re-enactment daughter. To reward you, I have bought you a Tiger Beat magazine.

11 year old girl: Cool! Thanks, Daddy! (Barbossa smiles)

Will: Ah, you've survived puberty. Your son is going through some things too, but that's cake compared to this. But now, your daughter has made a shocking discovery. Boys like to date! This can ruin your relationship. Worst case scenario is that your home will become more crowded with another pooping machine that will tell you she hates you in 11 years...a granddaughter. But you can handle boyfriends with tact and finesse.

"Daddy Jack:" (with teenage boy) So...

Boy: So...

Jack: I shot a guy in the chest once.

Boy: Really?

Jack: Broke out of a Turkish prison, escaped cannibals, fought off mutant sailors, survived Davy Jones' Locker, oh, and fought off Cutler Beckett's romantic advances.

Boy: (impressed) Wow, sir.

Jack: Yes, so you see, (cleans pistol) taking out a small sh*t head boy that thinks my daughter is a spark plug would be as easy as taking a swig of rum for me.

(Boy runs out of the house. Jack smiles)

Will: Raising daughters isn't so hard, guys. They're fun, smart, and think you're the greatest guy in the world until their hormones tell them otherwise.

Elizabeth: Will, you've been a father to a daughter for about an hour. Do you really think you should do a special on it?

Will: (covers her mouth and laughs) Ha ha ha, my beautiful wife. You'll get a free massage if you don't talk for the rest of the time. (Elizabeth takes him up on the offer and clams up) Well, I have so much to dread...I mean, look forward to. (looks at Rosalie) What's that on your belly button? (licks it)

Elizabeth: Okay, I have to say something...

Will: Gross! (composes himself) Well, remember, I'm Will Turner, retired ship captain, and father to the two best kids in the world.

This special brought to you by Osh Kosh B'Gosh: Nerd-wear for youngin's

LOL!!!!!

Osh-Kosh-B'Gosh?!?! Love it, Willo! And the Daddy Jack with the teen boy? Priceless. Absolutely priceless. I love protective Jack, lol 😄

Great job 😄 😄 😄

geat job, Willo 🙂 Daddies....

(Will is reporting live from the hospital dining hall)

Will: (taking a sip of his coffee) Ooh, hot. Oh hi! Will Turner here, retired ship captain. Elizabeth, Junior, Rosalie, and I will be leaving the hospital today, ready to go home and have a little house-warming for our daughter. But before I make all those arrangements, there's something very important I want to talk to you about...financial burdens.

(Will puts on the table a pop-up book of POTC:COTBP)

Will: You may not realize it, but all the movies about pirates you have seen in some way deal with people being fiscally irresponsible.

(turns page. We see a cut-out of Barbossa next to an Elizabeth holding a knife. It is a miniature of their dinner scene)

Will: Elizabeth, quite financially comfortable, is listening to Barbossa, a bum, discuss the repercussions of stealing gold. Stealing money is the worst way to improve one's finances. I'll demonstrate by pulling this tab.

(He pulls a tab under the Elizabeth cut-out. When he pulls the tab, her arm comes down, "stabbing" Barbossa)

Will: Ouch. Glad he can't feel things. But this is an important lesson. Not only is stealing wrong, but if you steal, people will want you dead.

(He tosses book into the gigantic fireplace that the hospital dining hall has for some reason. He opens another one titled "POTC😄MC"😉

Will: This idea of debt and not being able to handle one's money continues in DMC. (flips to a page that shows a cut-out of Norrington bent over a table talking to a cut-out of Gibbs. It is the scene where Norrington has his bad-ass scene before the barfight breaks out)

Will: James Norrington, once a successful commodore living the high life. He had it all but was foolish with his finances. Once he became unemployed, what did he have to fall back on? Nothing. Lesson 2 is always have a rainy day fund so you don't cause a scene.

(He pulls a tab under the Norrington cut-out. It flips the table over just like what happened in the movie)

Will: Sad, sad, sad. Always have at least three months' salary saved for emergencies like being down-sized from your job. (tosses book into the fire. He then opens a "POTC:AWE" book and turns it to Jack and Barbossa cut-outs looking out at ships)

Will: Jack Sparrow is probably the worst financial planner this side of Britney Spears. (holds cut-out Jack's head and makes it move as he talks in a strange voice) "I owe ALL these pirates money." Wow, Jack, that's a sad state of affairs.

(Pulls tab. Cut-out Jack plunges into the ocean)

Will: Find a way to consolidate your debts so you can pay one payment a month. Otherwise, you may feel like drowning yourself. (gets ready to throw book into fire) You know, I think I'll keep this one. So there you have it. Ways to become fiscally responsible. I have to push my wife to the family car now because we're on our way home to a warm house-party now. I'm Will Turner, retired ship captain and remember, urine will soothe a jellyfish sting.

This special brought to you by Carol's Tea Cups: The best tea cups to smack out of somebody's hand in a fit of rage

HAHAHA!!!

Loved it, the pop-up books were PRICELESS!!!!!
😄 😄 😄