The Swearing Dictionary
I think I mentioned some time ago that I've got a book made by the lovely people at Viz magazine which is basically a "swearing dictionary". I've been looking through it to make some funny quotes but I've had a hell of a game finding some which I could write here without being banned. Here are some of the ones that made me laugh: -
beaten like a ginger step-child adj. A particularly ferocious and merciless thrashing, for example, off a bouncer at a nightclub, a policeman in a cell, or Bjork at Bangkok Airport. "This is dreadful. I don't think Hawking can take much more of this punishment. Bruno's raining blows down now, left right left right. I can't look, this is terrible. Hawking's being beaten like a ginger step-child." (Harry Carpenter, commentating on charity boxing match, BBC Children in Need, 1998)
beer scooter n. Miraculous method of transport employed when leaving the pub after drinking large amounts of beer. So called due to "lost time" effect when returning home seemingly in no time and at incredible velocity.
hand to gland combat n. A three minute, one man bout of gladiatorial combat involving a spam javelin.
mole at the counter euph. A mammalian turtles head. "From the imprint of his shoes, Watson, I deduce that our quarry is a left-handed doctor of unusually short stature, who has known prosperity but has fallen on hard times. And by the short, irregular length of his stride, it is apparant that he has a mole at the counter, " said Holmes." (from "The case of the Speckled Bowl" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle).
I doubt many outside the UK will get some of these, but I'll post more should the response be good. 😄