Dreampanther
We all face the reaper.
Tony Stark's Diary.
Dear Diary,
You will never believe what happened today – we ran into vampires! Honest to God, pale skin, long teeth - and they even glittered in the sunlight (though that was kind of weird and creepy, I thought). I'd never seen anything like it...
Have to admit, they caught us a bit by surprise. They are quite fast and strong, and tough little buggers as well. Though, to be fair, when that first vampire attacked the Hulk and tried to rip his neck out only to find his teeth shattering, I had never laughed so hard in my life. The expression on his face - and the holes where his teeth had been - he looked like a little gap-toothed baby! I nearly peed in my suit...
Of course, the Hulk didn't think it was so funny - neither did the vampire, after the Hulk grabbed him and simply tore him into little pieces. However, after that it suddenly got serious. Like I said, these vamps are fast, and very aggressive, and they took out Cap, Hawkeye and the Black Widow so quick we didn't have time to get them out of harm's way.
They are fast, much faster than humans - I would estimate their top-speed at about 100 mph, which makes them faster even than cheetahs! So imagine cheetahs on steroids, with fangs and claws that can slash a human being apart...
Quite impressive, but not really a match for Iron Man - I mean come on, I designed my armour to take out missiles and enemy aircraft moving at thousands of miles an hour! Like shooting fish in a barrel once I was up in the air, in fact, I let Jarvis take care of most of it while I was having a blast watching Thor. Talk about having a blast...
He was blanketing the ground with lightning strikes, knocking them off their feet or into the air for the Hulk to grab. That is, the ones that didn’t get hit directly. Those just kind of lay there, charred and smoking... It was a bit painful to watch but I figured what the hell, they’re not really human and they've probably killed lots of people, so we're doing the world a favour. It was quite pitiful to watch in the end – those vamps never really stood a chance.
They could run, but not hide, and were completely vulnerable to attacks from above, since they had no long-range weapons and no flight capabilities (again, odd, since I thought vampires could fly and sunlight killed them, but there you go). Running at a 100 mph doesn’t allow you to dodge lightning, no matter how much you twist and turn, and as for outrunning my locked-on missiles and lasers – well, they had about as much chance as a sports car against a jet fighter – namely, nil.
Up close their speed might be impressive, but from a distance, watching them on the screen, it was just a yawn – kind of like big-game hunting from a helicopter with a bazooka and bag full of grenades – amusement for simpleminded idiots. If they ever had any kind of special powers we never found out – they were too busy running for their lives to try and stop and concentrate.
In the end, Cap came to and managed to save one from the Hulk, so now we have an honest to goodness, real live vampire in a glass cage here at Avengers mansion! I put him in front of a window, so that when the sun shines he glitters and brightens up the whole room (it’s a real hit with the ladies, wink wink).
I wondered what happened to Loki – turns out he just got bored with the whole thing, turned himself invisible and came back to the mansion to watch the Survivor finale. For some reason he finds the whole Survivor series hilarious...