So i heard this joke..,.

Originally posted by RanebowSmack
So there's a pirate sitting at a bar and he's got a pegleg, a hook hand, and an eyepatch. One of the customers asks him how he got his various injuries.

"Well, we were a sailing, and along came a squall and I was knocked overboard, got me leg bitten off by a shark".

and what about his hook?

"Ohhh, there was a bit of swordplay, lost the hand, now I got me hook"

and what about your eye?

"Sailing one day and a bird sh*t in me eye"

That's it? a bird sh*t in his eye and he lost it?

"First day with the hook laddie, first day with the hook"

😆

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Guess what? Chicken butt!

So this Polar Bear walks into a bar.

Bartender goes "Hey there boss, what can I get ya?"

And the polar bear goes

'I'll have a.......................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................

........beer."

And the bartender goes "Woah...what's with the big pause?"

And the Polar Bear says "Dude...I'm a polar bear."

Hahahaha!!!!! 👆

Two men are hunting when one accidentally shoots the other.
He freaks out and calls 911 on his cell-phone:
"I just accidentally shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead! What do i do?! What do I do?"
"Ok sir. Calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead. . . "
"Ok! Hang on! "
BANG!
"Ok. He's really dead. Now what?"

A man goes to a doctor to get a physical. Doctor says "Your going to need to stop masturbating." The man asks why. The doctor says "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Good ones.
Heard them before, but those are classic!

A nun gets into a taxi, and the driver cant stop staring at her.
The nun asks, "what is the problem my boy?"
The driver says, "I want to ask you a question but i don't want you to be offended"
The nun replies, "when you're my age, you've heard about all there is to hear, go on ask me."
So the driver tells her that it has been his lifelong wish to have a nun kiss him.
The nun agrees but has two requirements, "Are you single, and are you catholic?"
The man says yes to both and the nun tells him to pull into the next ally way. The nun gives the man a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but once they start off again the driver begins to cry.
The nun asks, "What seems to be the problem my dear?"
The drvier replies, "I must admit i have sinned, I have lied to you, i am Jewish and Married"
The nun tells him, "Thats ok, so have i. My name is kevin and im on my way to a Halloween party."

Ha frikkin' ha!!!😂

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred
a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

^^^ha!

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ****! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: You pick it up & suck him off.

Originally posted by riv6672
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Originally posted by riv6672
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

The US Army was going to stage War Games but due to budget cuts they had no rifles or pistols for the soldiers to use.

The Captain in charge issued his men sticks and told them this is your rifle, say "Bangity Bang" and your enemy will fall over dead.

He issued them smaller sticks and said these are your knives and pistols, say "Powity Pow" for the pistol and "Knifity Knife" and your enemy will fall over dead as well.

The War Games began and the soldiers rushed into the field, one soldier was skeptical that this strategy would work, so when he saw an enemy soldier he took his long stick and said "Bangity Bang" and the man fell over. So he continued until an enemy knocked the stick out of his hand, he took out his smaller stick and said "Powity Pow" and the man fell over.

His team was winning until he saw a lone soldier walking slowly towards him killing his team mates with ease, he rushed up and said "Powity Pow" but the man did not fall over, he repeated the words to no effect. He yelled to the soldier Hey, didn't you hear what the Captain said, when I say "Powity Pow" you fall over dead! So he said it again to no effect. He asked the soldier why don't you fall over, the enemy soldier replied, "Tankity Tank"

a one legged horse?

I suck at these kinds of jokes 🙁

Originally posted by Nuke Nixon
The US Army was going to stage War Games but due to budget cuts they had no rifles or pistols for the soldiers to use.

The Captain in charge issued his men sticks and told them this is your rifle, say "Bangity Bang" and your enemy will fall over dead.

He issued them smaller sticks and said these are your knives and pistols, say "Powity Pow" for the pistol and "Knifity Knife" and your enemy will fall over dead as well.

The War Games began and the soldiers rushed into the field, one soldier was skeptical that this strategy would work, so when he saw an enemy soldier he took his long stick and said "Bangity Bang" and the man fell over. So he continued until an enemy knocked the stick out of his hand, he took out his smaller stick and said "Powity Pow" and the man fell over.

His team was winning until he saw a lone soldier walking slowly towards him killing his team mates with ease, he rushed up and said "Powity Pow" but the man did not fall over, he repeated the words to no effect. He yelled to the soldier Hey, didn't you hear what the Captain said, when I say "Powity Pow" you fall over dead! So he said it again to no effect. He asked the soldier why don't you fall over, the enemy soldier replied, "Tankity Tank"