Originally posted by Impediment
We'll just have to see how it unfolds, I suppose. We're maintaining a civil and mature front for the sake of our daughter.
Yeah, but that's going to build resentment (if it's not already there); especially year after year and resentment is the 500lb Silverback peaking around the corner just waiting to wreck everything in its path while flinging shit.
Have you two thought of speaking with someone together? Like a marriage counselor? I've never used one, so I can't say. But it might start a real dialogue between you two instead of the forced politeness.
Originally posted by Impedimentthat post could have been written by me almost 20 years ago. Much love Imp.You're still young and things will sort out with time.
I'm not angry, but I'll confess that I'm sad. I'm actually quite miserable, to be perfectly honest.My marriage is dead and my "wife" is officially my roommate. We're civil and nice to each other and we have regular conversation and we sit down at the dinner table to eat together, but we're just married on paper. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. We're going to wait until 2022 when our daughter is 18 and then I plan to set a world record for "Fastest Divorce, ever" so I can restart my life and find someone to love and who, in turn, will love me back.
Marriage sucks. I did for all the wrong reasons, the main one being because we had a baby together. Everyone badgered me to "do the right thing" and "man up" because "if you lay down to make a baby then you need to stand up and be a family man".
I love my daughter more than my life itself and wouldn't change her being in my life for anything. My little girl is my life and reason, but it's pretty damn hard not being with someone to romantically love. Parental love is awesome, but my miserable heart years for more. I want to be with someone who gets me and whom I get, as well. My wife and I don't have that..................I don't think we ever did. I don't hate her, nor does she hate me. I love her as my friend, as a human, and as the mother of my child. But I'm not IN LOVE with her. I suspect she feels just as much the same way.
The even more sad & f*cked up part is that I simply can't divorce her and leave because she doesn't make enough money to support herself or the debts we owe. Once I pick up some steady oil field work I plan to save and save so I can pay off student loans, bills and other debt so I can pave a pathway for my freedom from this curse of a marriage. I've had several offers from other branches of my company to transfer to different cities like Denver, Phoenix, and even New York, but I can't go and leave until this shit storm is cleared for both of us.
Other than that I'm just Peachy f*cking Keen. 😂
If I could afford a therapist, I'd go to therapy just to vent. I have years of frustration and angst to release. I make good money as an x-ray/NDT technician but this year has been shakey for my oil fields. Plus, the end of the year is coming and work slows down to a snail's crawl for Turkey Day and Xmas.
Originally posted by Impediment
I'm not angry, but I'll confess that I'm sad. I'm actually quite miserable, to be perfectly honest.My marriage is dead and my "wife" is officially my roommate. We're civil and nice to each other and we have regular conversation and we sit down at the dinner table to eat together, but we're just married on paper.
This is exactly what happened to my marriage. Both people have to want to make it work. After 6 years of one-sided relationship, I realized you can't be 100% of the relationship. Nothing wrong at all with my ex-wife: she's a genuinely good person. She's just emotionally dead and did not put in the effort, at all, into the relationship.
She changed after about 2 weeks of marriage. Then it was emotional deadness...for years. Small hills of happiness but almost all valleys (when it is almost all valleys ,that is the norm: a lesson I had to learn). There's nothing you can do about this if the person is not willing to go seek help. And she wasn't. What about a massage? Does she like a massage? Brush her hair? Fold her clothes juuuust right?
After marriage, about a year later, she did state that she realized she was a great friend but a terrible romantic partner. And I agree. She is definitely a good friend but she's too emotionally bereft and unwilling to put effort into a relationship.
Is that how your wife is (I forget how to spell Raeann's name)? You are not emotionally dead. Or have you given up on the marriage?
Originally posted by Impediment
I can't even remember the last time we had sex. We're going to wait until 2022 when our daughter is 18 and then I plan to set a world record for "Fastest Divorce, ever" so I can restart my life and find someone to love and who, in turn, will love me back.
If you can afford it, I would go see a therapist. Make sure they are good/highly rated. Crappy ones will immediately tell you to divorce/destroy the relationship. Good ones will give you situation-specific tools to help the relationship. Mediocre ones will give you tools and counsel that are not specific but somewhat helpful.
Originally posted by Impediment
Marriage sucks. I did for all the wrong reasons, the main one being because we had a baby together. Everyone badgered me to "do the right thing" and "man up" because "if you lay down to make a baby then you need to stand up and be a family man".
I agree with those quotes, though. You did do the right thing. An adult, despite the difficulty, does the right thing for the child that they made. However, that's not fair to you or your wife. I am not you. I am not in that relationship. But I personally think you did the right thing. Never talk down to your wife in front of your daughter. Never lash out in resentment to a dead marriage. Treat your wife with respect for however long the marriage lasts. Your daughter needs to see what a proper husband should be like so that when she is treated like trash, she will be smart enough to kick those men to the curb where they belong.
Originally posted by Impediment
I love my daughter more than my life itself and wouldn't change her being in my life for anything. My little girl is my life and reason, but it's pretty damn hard not being with someone to romantically love. Parental love is awesome, but my miserable heart years for more. I want to be with someone who gets me and whom I get, as well. My wife and I don't have that..................I don't think we ever did. I don't hate her, nor does she hate me. I love her as my friend, as a human, and as the mother of my child. But I'm not IN LOVE with her. I suspect she feels just as much the same way.
Talk to her. Express why you feel she does not get you. Be specific. Let her do the same. See where that goes. If she's emotionally stable enough to hear those things, she may listen and do something about it.
A relationship is work. You will need to set expectations on change. They have to be tangible changes that can demonstrate progress. You both have to agree that there is progress to "desired state." And you both have to work at it. It cannot be one-sided.
Originally posted by Impediment
The even more sad & f*cked up part is that I simply can't divorce her and leave because she doesn't make enough money to support herself or the debts we owe. Once I pick up some steady oil field work I plan to save and save so I can pay off student loans, bills and other debt so I can pave a pathway for my freedom from this curse of a marriage. I've had several offers from other branches of my company to transfer to different cities like Denver, Phoenix, and even New York, but I can't go and leave until this shit storm is cleared for both of us.
Sounds like you are already set on divorce.
Before you do that, get your body together. Lose weight. Get back in shape. Have her participate. Often, mood will greatly improve and marriage magically starts working better if both of you are fit. If not, you're ready for the single life.
What specifically do you need in a romantic relationship to make it work? Sounds like physical affection is part of it. What about words of affirmation? When you walk in the door from work, do you want her to give you a hug and a slightly-too-long kiss? What about a, "hi, honey, welcome home"?
Do you feel most loved when she prepares your lunch for work or arranges your clothes juuuuust right?
What about her? How does she feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship? Does she like love notes in her lunch? Sweet nothings like "I smiled like a school-boy seeing his crush when I saw you step out of the shower this morning. My hottie wife...damn..." ?
Originally posted by dadudemonMy story too, twice, it's how it is and yeah no hate. Freed me up to bang chicks half my age off tinder amongst other things. Always a silver lining.
This is exactly what happened to my marriage. Both people have to want to make it work. After 6 years of one-sided relationship, I realized you can't be 100% of the relationship. Nothing wrong at all with my ex-wife: she's a genuinely good person. She's just emotionally dead and did not put in the effort, at all, into the relationship.She changed after about 2 weeks of marriage. Then it was emotional deadness...for years. Small hills of happiness but almost all valleys (when it is almost all valleys ,that is the norm: a lesson I had to learn). There's nothing you can do about this if the person is not willing to go seek help. And she wasn't. What about a massage? Does she like a massage? Brush her hair? Fold her clothes juuuust right?
After marriage, about a year later, she did state that she realized she was a great friend but a terrible romantic partner. And I agree. She is definitely a good friend but she's too emotionally bereft and unwilling to put effort into a relationship.
Is that how your wife is (I forget how to spell Raeann's name)? You are not emotionally dead. Or have you given up on the marriage?
If you can afford it, I would go see a therapist. Make sure they are good/highly rated. Crappy ones will immediately tell you to divorce/destroy the relationship. Good ones will give you situation-specific tools to help the relationship. Mediocre ones will give you tools and counsel that are not specific but somewhat helpful.
I agree with those quotes, though. You did do the right thing. An adult, despite the difficulty, does the right thing for the child that they made. However, that's not fair to you or your wife. I am not you. I am not in that relationship. But I personally think you did the right thing. Never talk down to your wife in front of your daughter. Never lash out in resentment to a dead marriage. Treat your wife with respect for however long the marriage lasts. Your daughter needs to see what a proper husband should be like so that when she is treated like trash, she will be smart enough to kick those men to the curb where they belong.
Talk to her. Express why you feel she does not get you. Be specific. Let her do the same. See where that goes. If she's emotionally stable enough to hear those things, she may listen and do something about it.
A relationship is work. You will need to set expectations on change. They have to be tangible changes that can demonstrate progress. You both have to agree that there is progress to "desired state." And you both have to work at it. It cannot be one-sided.
Sounds like you are already set on divorce.
Before you do that, get your body together. Lose weight. Get back in shape. Have her participate. Often, mood will greatly improve and marriage magically starts working better if both of you are fit. If not, you're ready for the single life.
What specifically do you need in a romantic relationship to make it work? Sounds like physical affection is part of it. What about words of affirmation? When you walk in the door from work, do you want her to give you a hug and a slightly-too-long kiss? What about a, "hi, honey, welcome home"?
Do you feel most loved when she prepares your lunch for work or arranges your clothes juuuuust right?
What about her? How does she feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship? Does she like love notes in her lunch? Sweet nothings like "I smiled like a school-boy seeing his crush when I saw you step out of the shower this morning. My hottie wife...damn..." ?
Originally posted by ImpedimentRespect mate and just work for your daughter and make sure you and your wife stay civil for your daughter. She's all that matters.
The fact is I'm dead set on a divorce. I simply don't want her, and the awful thing is I never did want her. She's a good person but the two of us are like fire and ice. Completely different. We have very little in common.We're cool, though. We're friends and are civil.
Originally posted by Putinbot1
Respect mate and just work for your daughter and make sure you and your wife stay civil for your daughter. She's all that matters.
That's our ultimate goal. Stay cool and ride it out. We don't have any desire to fix our marriage because we're both miserable. She feels, pretty much, the same way I do. I'm just more vocal about it. 2022 can't arrive fast enough.
Originally posted by Impedimentis that your daughters 18th? If so fair play to you both.
That's our ultimate goal. Stay cool and ride it out. We don't have any desire to fix our marriage because we're both miserable. She feels, pretty much, the same way I do. I'm just more vocal about it. 2022 can't arrive fast enough.
Originally posted by ImpedimentGeez man, sorry to hear you're dealing with all that stuff.
I'm not angry, but I'll confess that I'm sad. I'm actually quite miserable, to be perfectly honest.My marriage is dead and my "wife" is officially my roommate. We're civil and nice to each other and we have regular conversation and we sit down at the dinner table to eat together, but we're just married on paper. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. We're going to wait until 2022 when our daughter is 18 and then I plan to set a world record for "Fastest Divorce, ever" so I can restart my life and find someone to love and who, in turn, will love me back.
Marriage sucks. I did for all the wrong reasons, the main one being because we had a baby together. Everyone badgered me to "do the right thing" and "man up" because "if you lay down to make a baby then you need to stand up and be a family man".
I love my daughter more than my life itself and wouldn't change her being in my life for anything. My little girl is my life and reason, but it's pretty damn hard not being with someone to romantically love. Parental love is awesome, but my miserable heart years for more. I want to be with someone who gets me and whom I get, as well. My wife and I don't have that..................I don't think we ever did. I don't hate her, nor does she hate me. I love her as my friend, as a human, and as the mother of my child. But I'm not IN LOVE with her. I suspect she feels just as much the same way.
The even more sad & f*cked up part is that I simply can't divorce her and leave because she doesn't make enough money to support herself or the debts we owe. Once I pick up some steady oil field work I plan to save and save so I can pay off student loans, bills and other debt so I can pave a pathway for my freedom from this curse of a marriage. I've had several offers from other branches of my company to transfer to different cities like Denver, Phoenix, and even New York, but I can't go and leave until this shit storm is cleared for both of us.
Other than that I'm just Peachy f*cking Keen. 😂
Imp, sorry to hear about what's happening. There are some great suggestions here on how to deal with it ... I hope you do follow through. The only things I could add is 1) if there is no one to talk to at a moment you could really use an ear, write out how you're feeling, even stream of consciousness stuff. Get the energy in you flowing out. And 2) In addition to laughing babies, I've also always found "Footprints in the Sand" very comforting (my family went through a "dark cloud" of events when I was young -- disease, car accident, deaths: life just bodyslamming us over and over).
Hang in there. Nothing lasts, not even bad stuff.
Originally posted by Impediment
2022 can't arrive fast enough.
Samhain beat me to the same response & query...
But if divorce is inevitable, why wait another 4 years?
I'm jus saying you may look at your daughter as a child but children are always the 1st to sense the tension or "lack of love"in the household.
And they'll be the 1st to play along with the facade both parents are playing.
They can be resilient & maybe deep down they can sense that separation may actually be a positive thing for the individuals that you & your wife are.
If you & your wife are amicable now then once you both separate hopefully you'll both have a newfound respect for each other & your daughter will sense that & appreciate it even more.
Waiting another 4 years in a loveless household will cause more damage than it's worth.
Seen it happen to my own parents, got caught up in the same cycle too.
Originally posted by samhain
Have you considered the impact that waiting until your daughter is 18 before commencing divorce proceedings will have on her? It's likely she'll spot that you've both been going through the motions until she's old enough to leave the house.
i agree with this. just staying together "for the kids" tends to never work out well for anyone. the financial situation is another matter though, and i understand why imp doesn't want to just up and leave his wife in a credit debt crisis.
imp: maybe your daughter is already old enough to have a frank discussion with about the whole situation. She probably senses that something is off anyway. just something to consider.