Well now, since I went through the process of writing about all this, I have had it in mind to write some retrospective comments on the whole thing- now that it all seems so long ago, it is rather hard to believe it happened. Maybe I made it up? A lot of it DID seem absurd. It is well that I kept all the mails and ICQ convos and a lot of the PMs, and took a load of pics, and that there are the posts on this board itself, via which to remember it all by.
It has taken me a little while thinking it all through again, but I thought I would write down my thoughts and conclusions now. A week ago, I was due to meet two very nice girls in the near future. Inside the last week, both have had to cancel on me, the second cancellation happening early this afternoon. It seems all the luck I had in meeting Elle so smoothly and easily is bouncing back on me now! So I am virtually back to square one again, as far as finding a partner is concerned! Still, there as a time when such things would have sent me into manic depressive suicidal fits. As it is, that have just put me in a bad mood, which surely has to be an improvement! Anyway, that having put me in a pensive frame of mind, I thought it was a good time to write all of this. And I hope that some of the things I have learned
So then. One of the most common things people say to me when I tell this story- though I have never told it in such detail before!- is that isn't it a shame that things did not work out, after they seemed to be going so well. Well, as I suggested before, I don't think that was ever a possibility. The idea that Elle and myself might have actually become a permanent couple- even if it were not for the very considerable mistakes the two of us made- doesn't seem to pan out. There were too many obstacles- distance, time, even some compatibility issues- that were in the way, and we knew it at the time, which is part of why we argued a lot. I kinda had this fuzzy 'love conquers all' idea at the time that we would get by and we would be ok but that was just a fairy story. Real life is harder.
Now, what I tend to think the real tragedy is that we are no longer friends. Now, I suspect Elle does not think that it was possible for me to do that. She MIGHT have been right. I could be difficult. I thought we were giving it a good go, but maybe I would have always made it impossible, especially once she got another guy. I dunno. But I reckon I would be able to give it a better go NOW, for sure. A lot has changed in the last year, and I do not have anywhere near enough female friends. (counts quickly). None, actually. I WOULD say, though, that all not telling me that she was not going to see me again did was delay an argument that was going to happen anyway. Always best to be up front about things, a courtesy that Vicki paid me.
Next question. Did I really love her? Good question. Certainly far too many people mistake something else- affection, attraction, devotion, or simple lust- for love; people say things like 'I can't stop thinking about her' as if that is somehow proof of love- and as if that is all love is, the inability to stop obsessing. My theory has always been that if you are in love, you will not mistake it for anything else, but you will mistake PLENTY else for love! And even the cautious can be fooled. It took Elle nine months of careful deliberation and private thought before she finally admitted to herself and me that she was in love with me. She got angry when I tried to suggest otherwise. But she was STILL wrong, and later dismissed it as obsession and affection.
But yes, I am willing to say I was and still am. I am not going to bother trying to out that into words because there are no words I can say that some flowery teen who is not in love at all but THINKS he/she is could not also write. And if someone wanted to accuse me of only thinking I loved Elle because she was good to me for a while, I would understand where he or she was coming from, and to say 'I know how I feel' is no defence either as anyone can say that, swear it, believe it passionately, and still be wrong. So all I can do is kinda hope you will just trust or believe me on that one. And whilst Elle did not love me and thinks little of me now, she still felt a very great and true affection for me for a long time, and that still means something.
Were we unlucky that everything went so wrong? Not to absolve ourselves, and myself, of the blame for the badly handled situations and arguments, but after SO much good fortune, what else but circumstance could really explain it having cocked up so much? Well, a lot of that is a matter of perspective. From the moment we met on the board onwards a heavy chain of coincidence was continually changing the course of the relationship- her break up with her previous net 'friend', her pointless relationships, her having a good excuse to come down to London, the Newquay trip, Nathan, her A-level results, going to uni in London, Leanne and Ben ten years before, Leanne ten years later, Elle meeting s guy that Easter, her being mugged, and meeting what appeared to be her dream guy that summer but me not knowing that led to me meeting Vicki which eventually led to her and Ben getting together... life is ALWAYS a series of coincidences, of course, but rarely is it so visible.
But let's take an example of this 'good fortune' that we threw away. Take Leanne meeting Ben ten years before, getting in contact with me, flirting, and making Elle jealous which caused us to FINALLY go out with each other. Astonishing good fortune? But look at it this way. It is this that caused me to abandon all caution, think the hard work was done, and attach to Elle in the way she always never wanted me to be attached, and I don't think there was a way back for me from that. When the Leanne thing happened it was the high point of our year-long relationship. Two months on the relationship was dead- and that started from a series of disputes and arguments and incidents that started with us getting together. Oh, Elle would have had second thoughts about our relationship anyway, but that whole thing made my sense of betrayal and anger SO much worse. So what appeared to be astonishing good luck could, in retrospect, appear to be the crummiest luck we had in the whole thing! I guess we can never know for sure, but one of the first things I came to terms with was that this was not some golden opportunity I had thrown away. It was just a thing. Things happened as they did and I have to accept responsibility for that but I did not destroy the finest chance life ever offered me- chance was helping to destroy it as much as it helped build it.
Now. Whose FAULT was it. THAT is a nasty one. And it is never seemly to take sides in things that are long over. But I will say this- we both did things wrong. But what Elle did wrong she did because she was still a young woman unsure of what she wanted, trying to be as nice as she could but with her own life and future to think about. What I did wrong I did because I could not stand anything to go at all differently from any point from the perfect little fantasy I had envisioned. I wanted everything to go my way and when it did not I cried and moaned and threatened suicide. Now, I had good reason to feel aggrieved by things, and my problems with illness and life helps explain why I had ended up in such a mindset- but really, much of it was unforgivable. I constantly destroyed any moral high ground I ever could have taken. I don't beat myself up about it, but I tend to see myself as the more offending party.
Which caused me to think about a lot of things in turn. How could a guy who was genuine and friendly and wanted nothing but the best for the girl he loved have ended up like that? It gave me a lot of insight into the way these things work. I wonder about all those men who beat on their wives and claim they still love them. I do not excuse or in any way condone their behaviour. But I see how they GOT like that, because there I might have gone too, under different circumstances. And slowly I have been trying to address a lot of things about myself.
Which brings me onto the next point. What did I get out of the whole thing? After all the dreadful depressions and anger and certainly the aching loneliness since she left, I would understand anyone who said that the whole kaboodle was not worth it. I would love to be able to say that "Ah, well, nice memories, and at least I can say I have DONE the whole 'girl' thing." It doesn't seem to work like that, though. Having done it hasn't made me feel any better about things than before I met her! Like I say, a lot of time I have difficulty believing it ever happened.
But it WAS worth it. A hundred times more than any bad things it caused, it was worth it. I went into that relationship an introverted sick loner, terrified to leave his house with no prospects, lazing in his room all day unwilling to do anything, True, I would have been slowly improving anyway, but many things I can DIRECTLY lay at Elle's door. She made me feel some very important things, First of all, she mad me feel valued. I had NO self-esteem, I still have relatively little, but Elle actually made me think I was doing something good and decent by making me feel happy. Secondly, she made me feel confident. Compare the shy guy who was terrified to even talk to Elle and ask her for her mail address, to the guy now who has a tadette of a reputation to 'moving' smoothly in on all the ladies around here... that's not me being sleazy, I just like being nice to people and adore having fun with them. But it is something I never, ever could have done had it not been for Elle encouraging me and making me feel better about myself- even making me think I was the kind of guy that someone could possibly want, which I had never believed before. She made me feel safe. I still dislike nights, but before I was terrified of them. Elle changed all that. Here is a little story I missed out:
In that August where she came to see me after the Nathan summer, and after we knew everything had gotten so much better again, I was intending to have a fun night with Elle. But whilst watching some television downstairs she had fallen asleep, rather early, on the sofa. I was at a loss at what to do. I was tired, and I was feeling the familiar pang of another dreadful night occurring, the nights that made me want to curl into a little ball and cry. First thing I did was go and get a sheet to cover Elle up with on the sofa. That seemed the right thing to do. I stared at her, feeling faintly dissatisfied. What was I to do now? Walk away and leave her to sleep? Wake her and bring her up to my room upstairs? Neither seemed right. so my fuzzy brain hit upon an insane idea. I would bring a double bed downstairs so we could sleep together in it.
Obviously I could not being a bed downstairs, that would be silly, But I took the mattress from my bed and the mattress from the spare bed and brought them down. This was NOT a simple task. They were heavy and awkward and I was still weak and wimpy and tired and not 100% acting with a clear mind. I half-stumbled, half fell down the stairs with them before dragging them into the lounge up next to the sofa and moving them together, with the intention of moving a single sheet over them and completing the ad hoc double bed. But the mattresses were the wrong height. WHY!? What idiot had made these mattresses different heights so my double bed idea was ruined? Exhausted, I tired to sleep on he crappy bed there and then, but I could not, I was too frustrated and it was not my bed and it felt all wrong... I actually started to cry a little bit- I was in a VERY bad frame of mind at the time. This woke Elle, who seemed to take stock of the situation very quickly, reacting with disbelief that I had brought the mattresses down, but clocked the situation at once, holding me, comforting me, and helping me drag the mattresses back up. And then as I lay there in bed, unable to sleep, ready to cry all the way through that terrible night, she climbed into bed with me and held me gently from behind. And for the first time EVER, one of my bad nights was made ok.
I knew from that point on I loved her, and from that point on until this day no night has ever been that bad again, because that is still one memory that remains very clear to me. And that is one of the wonderful things Elle did for me.
And, as I said many times in the narrative, Elle made me feel NORMAL. Walking around the zoo with my girl, being with my friends with my girl, she took me places and did normal everyday things with me and I still do not think I can adequately describe just how utterly amazing that was for me, and how much better it made me feel, not some outcast from society but just another guy. And that is virtually what I am now- just another guy. That was Elle's doing.
And the last thing I got from the whole thing was a fundamental appreciation of my possible future with women, Considering that I still have NO intention of spending my life lonely, this was perhaps the most essential thing of all. I went to an All-Boy's school, was ill in the Sixth Form when I COULD meet women, and never had met a girl since before I met Elle. I had NO experience of relationships at all. And as far as gaining experience, I cannot wish for anyone in my wildest dreams better than Elle! What other girl would not have done one of: Not meeting me, not liking me when we met, not wanting me so badly, and buggering off out of it as soon as the first thing went wrong, or after our first argument? I cannot think of any. She was perfect. She and I had so much in common in our mind in many ways, felt the same about so much stuff, both had the same need to feel comfortable about each other, both were totally inexperienced in deep relationships, and both got so crazy about each other that we forgave each other SO much for SO long. ANd that of all girls I could have met I met HER is one undeniable piece of luck because we were together long enough for me to learn ALOT. And now, in future, I can think about all the things I did with Elle I want to do the same, and all the things I want to totally change, and all this experience means I am VERY much more confident that I will do well with the next girl I go out with- and if it were not for Elle, I would not have a chance with ANY of that.
In conclusion then. Elle may not have turned out to be the dream relationship I wanted, or even as that it seemed it would be for a while. it is a very bad thing that we are not still friends and I am still miserable about it. But she was still the single greatest thing that ever happened with my life- and in combination with Vicki persuading me to go look for a job (something I have been taking a break from and will now go back to), it has made me a person who is at all 'viable' to day. And for that I can only be thankful.
Will I ever see her again? Your guess is as good as mine.
Thanks for listening.
ush, I am speaking from experience here. when i was 20 years old, i met jennifer. we fell in love, or i did anyway. everything was grand for 5-6 months until i found that she had been cheating on me for a couple of weeks with some bodybuilder. at first, i was furious. i actually went to a party where the guy was and proceeded to beat the living crap out of him!!! i got in about half a dozen good blows before his friends gang tackled me. to my surprise, they didnt beat the living hell out of me. they took me outside and told me to get the hell out of there before he woke up, which was a good idea. see, i blindsided him and knocked him half unconscious and was able to knock him out completely in a few seconds. if i had faced off with him, he wouldve wiped the floor with me. anyway, jenn and i worked it out and stayed together. a month later, i saw her at a club with the same guy!!! i had a pool cue in my hand and was about to go at it again, but my buddy fox held me back. anyay, i tried the next day to talk to her about it, but she wasnt listening. she left me. he made more money than i did, drove the right car and all that. i was heartbroken. i cried for months, waking up in a cold sweat screaming her name. for the next 10 years i stayed single on purpose, thinking that women didnt deserve my respect.
then i met her.....
my wife, fabiola.....
i wasnt looking for her, she just fell in my lap. when i was away from her, i thought "john, you dont need this. stay single.." dude, i fought it with every fiber of my being. but when i would see her, i would melt. we have been together 3 years, married 6 months. she is the best thing to ever happen to my sorry ass.
what i am trying to say is that when it comes to finding that one woman that was made for you, that you are gonna spend together with, you are not gonna be looking for her. she is just gonna show up, and there is gonna be NOTHING you can do to fight it.
maybe your one is Elle, i hope so, because you are obviously deeply in love with her. just keep your eyes open, ok? the right one could be right in front of you.
keep your head up, buddy........RJ
Okay, Ush. I have no idea how old you are, or what your “deal” is.
But I have friends and acquaintances in the age-span 20 to 58, who’ve been desperately trying to hook up with someone for a long time. Or who’ve spent ages trying to get over that very special someone.
I could say a few things right here, which seems obvious from reading your post, but the I-net can be a terrible place to communicate, since it’s the no. 1 place to misunderstand each other.
I could also toss in a few clichés, which are true, but won’t do anything to lighten your mood. You’re probably a fairly intelligent guy as far as I can tell, and it’ll be hard to follow this advice: Stop thinking so damn much!
Hey, I have plenty of time to think!
But don't mis-read my mood, it's not THAT gloomy. I am just a bit depressed right now as my recent hook-ups with girls didn't work out. Plenty of of time for that in the future, but getting my life back together with a job and so on is the more important part of it all. It was the OLD me who was desperate to have a partner at all costs regardless of anything else. Now it is just something I would like- rather like most people.
The point of all that was meant to be: yeah, it didn't work out, but it was still a very positive thing in my life!
And I think the whole thing was about as exhaustive an analysis of the thread subject as you could possibly get...
BTW, you don't know my age? I guess you didn't read the story then... those thoughts probably make less sense without the story.
Ush> It’s the bane of intelligent people to ponder, analyse, re-think, contemplate and speculate themselves to pieces.
I did read it, I just didn’t decipher your age from it.
Trying to find something positive in past experiences are a good idea, but not necessarily the truth, you know? I shall not delve into my past crushes (however they’re defined), save to say, that sometimes it’s perfectly fine to say “Crap, I wish it hadn’t happened at all.” Especially if it haunts you for a loooong time afterwards.
ush...you are single now. trust me, it aint gonna last!!!!! go out with your buddies, get hammered, and enjoy a few one night stands. MARK MY WORDS: the woman you want to spend your life with and who wants to spend her life with you is gonna appear out of nowhere. you arent gonna be looking for her, she is just gonna show up. i have seen your pics. you are a young, good looking guy. just be patient and trust in the living force..he he he..sorry, couldnt help myself...
one day you are gonna look back at this and say "damn, RJ was right."