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my new poems
Started by: XvampbenjiiX666

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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

..seriously, don't you think you harrassed me enough?


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Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:28 PM
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DangerousBeauty
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aww hun *hugs*


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Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:57 PM
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chillmeistergen
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
..seriously, don't you think you harrassed me enough?


I haven't harassed you at all. Your posts in your satanism thread led me to reading your poetry, if you can call it that.


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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:59 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
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Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

quote: (post)
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
I haven't harassed you at all. Your posts in your satanism thread led me to reading your poetry, if you can call it that.
seriously...leave me alone...talk shit about me in the religion forum but on here either read the work and say you liked it or critize it...


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Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 07:37 PM
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chillmeistergen
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OK, your work lacks imagination, the stanza structure's poor, the rhyme structure's worse. There's no pattern or beat to any of it, but a rambling drawl in which you desperately try to find words that rhyme with each other. To say it's elementary in standard would be a compliment.


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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 10:50 PM
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Lara
Belladonna

Gender: Female
Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy

that was harsh blink


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be who you are not what they want you to be!

blessed be x

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 08:21 AM
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Bardock42
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Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Lara
that was harsh blink


He was asking for constructive criticism, wasn't he?

I forward chill's notion, btw, to improve your poetry first I would work on my rhyme structure (for one, not everything needs to rhyme). A fluent flow (hehe) and the right words are more important than having every line rhyme. Once you have worked on that we could go on to more fundamental skills.

I'm not trying to be a dick....well....yes I am, but if you listen to me you'd still get better (though, I doubt you are going to be a Keats anytime soon. Poetry can certainly express ones feelings, and why not do it in a more graceful manner?).

In specific you could look at these two parts:

"i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth"


The second line just drags on and it is horrible to read as well as pretty annoying imagery.

The other is from your newest one:

"you told me he raped you then continues to try
the first thing the comes out of my mouth is that hes going to die"


Do you feel how there is a bump when reading it? What you could maybe try to do is imagine whether something you wrote would be easily singable.

Well, I am not a poet really, not even particularly good, if I was you I'd rather listen to someone like chill or Feanor (even though they are dicks, like me), but I think you'd at least improve some if you try that first.


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Last edited by Bardock42 on Jul 30th, 2008 at 02:49 PM

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 02:47 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

...thanks for the advice but no...i do my work on my own.


__________________

Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 03:05 PM
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Bardock42
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Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...thanks for the advice but no...i do my work on my own.


Fair dos, I guess.


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Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 03:08 PM
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Lara
Belladonna

Gender: Female
Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy

quote: (post)
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
OK, your work lacks imagination, the stanza structure's poor, the rhyme structure's worse. There's no pattern or beat to any of it, but a rambling drawl in which you desperately try to find words that rhyme with each other. To say it's elementary in standard would be a compliment.


/\ this is not being constructive like I have said before. This is being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk!
You dont have to be an arsehole just because to you like some thing/someone



quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
He was asking for constructive criticism, wasn't he?

I forward chill's notion, btw, to improve your poetry first I would work on my rhyme structure (for one, not everything needs to rhyme). A fluent flow (hehe) and the right words are more important than having every line rhyme. Once you have worked on that we could go on to more fundamental skills.

I'm not trying to be a dick....well....yes I am, but if you listen to me you'd still get better (though, I doubt you are going to be a Keats anytime soon. Poetry can certainly express ones feelings, and why not do it in a more graceful manner?).

In specific you could look at these two parts:

"i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth"


The second line just drags on and it is horrible to read as well as pretty annoying imagery.

The other is from your newest one:

"you told me he raped you then continues to try
the first thing the comes out of my mouth is that hes going to die"


Do you feel how there is a bump when reading it? What you could maybe try to do is imagine whether something you wrote would be easily singable.

Well, I am not a poet really, not even particularly good, if I was you I'd rather listen to someone like chill or Feanor (even though they are dicks, like me), but I think you'd at least improve some if you try that first.


This is CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM!!! good points made.


__________________


be who you are not what they want you to be!

blessed be x

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 03:35 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

...so much drama


__________________

Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 03:52 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Oh, and before all, I'd check whether I spelt all words in my poem correctly.

It shows that I cared.


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Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 04:07 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

...i can't believe i'm saying this but...thank you


__________________

Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 04:10 PM
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Bardock42
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Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...i can't believe i'm saying this but...thank you

You're welcome.


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Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 04:11 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

...can this just go back to being a poetry thread


__________________

Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 05:39 PM
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DangerousBeauty
Senior Member

Gender: Female
Location: happy place

love I enjoy your poems and you shouldnt listen to dirt bags like him. Keep up the good work hun. xoxox


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Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 05:59 PM
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XvampbenjiiX666
Commander Cadaver

Gender: Male
Location: Whiskey River

thank you my love


__________________

Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 06:13 PM
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chillmeistergen
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Lara
/\ this is not being constructive like I have said before. This is being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk!
You dont have to be an arsehole just because to you like some thing/someone


I don't think you understand the meaning of 'constructive'. I told him the points he had to work on, that's constructive, I may have done it in a way you didn't like, but that doesn't change anything.

Another tip is to distance yourself from the theme of self pity, it can work well in some poetry, but not in every single poem.
Also, I know you're adverse to reading other poets' work, but you'll learn a lot by reading different styles and forms of poetry.

Lara, when you write critique worth reading, I'll start taking you seriously. Right now, all you're doing is mindlessly feeding an already over-fed ego.


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Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 10:32 PM
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Lara
Belladonna

Gender: Female
Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy

If you read the thread from the begining you might think a little differently about my "critique" which is also apparent in other threads here too.

as for constructive criticism, your previous posts (unlike the last one) are just confrontational, for some reason Chilli, you like to bate people.
so, just so we can clear this up, here is the definition:

Constructive criticism is a form of communication in which a person tries to correct the behavior of another in a non-authoritarian way, and is generally, a diplomatic approach about what another person is doing socially incorrect. It is 'constructive' as opposed to a command or an insult and is meant as a peaceful and benevolent approach. Participatory learning in pedagogy is based on these principles of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others with the intention of helping the reader or the artist, rather than creating an oppositional attitude. An art critic can also be a champion of a new artistic movement in the face of a hostile public (e.g. John Ruskin), using scholarship and insight to show the value and depth of a new style. Critics might even champion a wholly new art medium; for instance the century-long critical struggle to have photography recognised as a valid art form.

There can be a tension between constructive and useful criticism; for instance, a critic might usefully help an individual artist to recognise what is poor or slapdash in their body of work - but the critic may have to appear harsh and judgemental in order to achieve this.

Criticism: An evaluation, both good and bad, based on prior knowledge.


XvampbenjiiX666: my apologies for this.


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be who you are not what they want you to be!

blessed be x

Old Post Jul 31st, 2008 08:32 AM
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chillmeistergen
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The lad asked me to criticise his work, the word 'constructive' was never even mentioned by him. Anyway, I'd say that my critique is constructive, so long as it is pointing out a problem that can be fixed - I don't see a problem.

As for your critique - I haven't seen you say anything noteworthy in this thread, or any other poetry thread, you don't seem to actually know very much about poetry.


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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield

Old Post Jul 31st, 2008 01:32 PM
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