Adult Version Of Harry Potter

"Okay! I'll buy the munchies' declared Harry as he peeled himself from the bed. "Mate, I want donuts, pepperoni pizza, chips, beef jerky, peanut butter, cookies, fried chicken, shrimp ramen, some burritos, jelly bellies, pop, VODKA and-' Ron said excitedly. "The hell you are! You aren't shi+ting on me tonight, Weedley' growled Herpes as she sat up in bed. Ron looked at her thoughtfully. "Harry's fetching munchies. What'd you like, luv?' he asked. But she ignored him. Harry was too tired to go looking for half of the items Ron listed. Outside he pointed his wand at a service station and stole some Funyuns, beef jerky, and Guinness beer. He returned three minutes later to find the door locked and the lights out. "Fu<king tossers, the lot of 'em' he swore. Harry pounded on the door for 15 minutes, the man in the next room had threatened to call the police. Finally Ron answered the door. "What do yeh want mate? It's late' growled Ron. "THIS IS MY BLOODY ROOM, YOU WANKERS' bellowed Harry as he shoved Ron out of the way. "I have half a mind to keep these to myself' he roared as he held up a bag of Funyuns. Ron ripped them out of his hand and crammed fists full of Funyuns in his face. "Sorry Harry' giggled Ginny. "It was Ron's idea of a joke' replied Herpes as she sat limply on the edge of the bed still looking weak. Before they'd eaten their fill Ron had to make an emergency dash to the loo. He had drunk far too much beer. Harry was starring at Ginny like a ravenous animal. She knew exactly what he wanted, and though the bed was covered in crumbs and wrappers, they were soon shagging like rabbits. Herpes masturbated while she watched them. Ron stepped out of the bathroom looking quite a mess. He’d missed the toilet and was covered in his own vomit, and a long piece of toilet paper was stuck to his foot. “Herpes, luv, let me drive it home tonight! I wanna fu<k yeh’ said Ron as his robes fell to the floor revealing his erection. “What the hell, get in’ she replied. It was unfortunate, but Ron had an average size cock. Not large enough to give her muff a good scratch. Despite that she'd never cum from penetration, she enjoyed it just the same. She remembered the many times Harry had satisfied her, but that was only a fond memory. She lifted her legs as far as she possibly could to get a feel, hoping he’d hit her G spot, but he stuck it in the wrong hole. “You arsehole!’ roared Herpes. “Sorry, just a little dizzy’ said Ron as he placed one hand on the bed to keep from falling off. Herpes had tried to convince Harry to shag Chelsy to sabotage his relationship with Ginny. She was the possessive and jealous type, which Herpes knew all too well after watching her castrate Onna Promise with a butcher knife for shagging 'AveANudder Roun' (Lavender Brown). But her scheme had backfired, and now she was faking another orgasm for Ron, who was wobbling about on top of her and apparently ready to puke. As Ron tried to steady himself, he bumped the remote on the coffee table, switching the channel on the TV. “In what Tony Blair is calling a second 9-11, a young Al Qaeda cell disguised as a ballerina strapped himself in the trunk of a car, and rammed it into the gates of Buckingham Palace. He was dragged from the trunk making death threats toward the queen, and was found in possession of a weapon of mass destruction: an automatic knife’ Harry and Ginny broke apart just as Herpes shoved Ron in the floor. The four of them guffawed at the sight of Deadly crying like a baby on British television. The media had superimposed a cloth diaper on Deadly’s head to make him look more like the unrealistic image of a terrorist previously purported by the media.
“Say, Harry, isn’t that your knife?’ asked Ron as he pulled himself off the floor.
Harry quickly searched his pockets. “Cor! The wanker must've nicked it from my pocket!’ cried Harry realizing that his Stiletto was missing.
“Rotten luck, mate’ said Ron indignantly.
“Rotten luck?! If you lost one of your bloody guns that would be rotten luck! I lost my best knife. That was the one I use to cut blokes who owe me money’ cried Harry
“What about girls that owe you money?’ asked Ron
“I shag them’ Harry said as though it didn't matter.

"I want to see what they're saying on channel 4 news' said Ginny as she flipped through the channels
"...caught this morning trying to ram though the gate of Buckingham Palace. At first glance police didn't know what to make of the lad hiding in the trunk. It is assumed that he controlled the car from within as no other person was found in the wreckage. He is seen here being led away by police dressed in what appears to be a pink tutu. He has been identified as sixteen year old Deadly Dirty. We hadn't trouble tracking down his parents, here now is footage from that encounter. "YOU'RE BLOODY RIGHT I WANT TO BE ON CAMERA! POTHEAD, IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS, YOU"RE A DEAD MAN! WHEN I GET MY HANDS AROUND YOUR LITTLE NECK I"M G-' That was Vermin Dirty the terrorist's father. He has been questioned by police and thought to have no connections with the incident. He maintains that his son was kidnapped by a pack of ruthless narcotic dealers. It was determined this evening that the crash may have been a diversion tactic. While police were deciding whether to execute the young man for terrorism, several other heavily armed terrorists infiltrated the palace and ran amok. Over 37 people were murdered in the tragic shooting including the prince. The magistracy refuses to list the names of all the victims, but maintains that justice will be served.' *Click* Harry turned off the telly and sat down wondering if he'd ever see his knife again. It had saved his @ss countless times, and now it was gone! "Don't feel bad mate, well get you a new one' said Ron as he finally hoisted himself off the floor. "Where? It was from Tijuana and forged back in the 1980s when the peasants still made them!' cried Harry. He lay in bed and refused to speak to anyone the rest of the night. He didn't sleep well, but he forced himself to get up by 11:00. "Why are you getting up so early, I like to sleep until three' complained Ginny. "Checkout time. Besides, luv, we have to destroy the last wh0recrust today'. Harry's cell had been buzzing like mad. Ever since they'd robbed DireCon Alley all his friends were jonesing for a buzz and begging him to deliver some product at reasonable prices. And he'd have done just that, but first he had to end the Dope Lord's reign of... business. And he had to hurry, because the longer he waited, more of his friends would succumb to the urge to buy some crummy seed riddled grass with little nutritional value. He'd set his cell to silent and used his answering service to advise them to blast what little weed they had left rather than give into their cravings for spliffs. He hoped desperately they would hold out. He'd have no other choice but gun down all that smoked the Dope Lord's product, and that would cut into his business. He reached into his pocket to feel the syringe he'd saved for Baldysnort, and cut his hand on something sharp. "Bugger' he cried as he retched his hand from his pocket. He carefully searched again and felt the syringe, but what had cut him? He didn't have to feel around long to cut his hand on it once again. This time he pulled it from his pocket. "Just a bloody piece of that mirror' he groaned as he started to toss it, but then a sudden flash of blue light made him drop it instead. Picking it up he saw an eye looking at him, which pulled back to reveal UdderFroth (Abberforth) grinning perversely. He was cuffing a goat to a bed. It was wearing a teddy and some lipstick, and laying in the missionary position as he mounted it. Harry was revolted. "I thought this damn thing was only supposed to show me what I want to see' groaned Harry as he tossed it.

"What is?' asked Herpes
"That bloody mirror I smashed' replied Harry in a tone suggesting that he didn't wish to discuss the matter further.
"The mirror probably hates you, because you're the one who broke it' suggested Ron
Harry thought Ron's answer was the stupidest he'd ever heard, but he'd heard some weird shi+ from every whizzard he'd ever met. Harry had been amazed at whizzarding society since he joined it at the age of eleven. He'd been shocked to learn the average male whizzard could not read, write, solve the simplest mathematical problems, nor did they bathe. And yet their society flourished with an economy that made puddles ruddy jealous. He was equally shocked to learn that most illegal narcotics cost less and cause less harm than legal puddle vices and prescription medications. He was so deep in contemplation as they left their room that he failed to see the dog running toward them until it jumped on Herpes and started humping her leg. "Get off, you bleeding beast' cried Herpes as she tried to kick it off. "Oh no, you didn't' growled the dog as it pulled out a wand and used binding curses to tie them up. It sniffed Herpes butt saying "My, my, my. What a sweet looking young thang. You got some boooteh girl, Mmmmm. Let me touch it.'
Herpes was both terrified an thrilled by it's ravenous, and masculine attitude.
"I do like to taste the pussah. You sweet smellin' thang. Oh lord, you are scrumptious...' it said as it crammed its head up her robes.
"Get your bleeding snout out of her muff or we'll have you neutered; and... Who the hell are you?' Ron shouted
"Don't make me cut chew, bi+ch.' it snarled at him as it splintered a wooden post with its knife. "The name is Greenback. I am the ONLY American werewolf in London' .it growled at him.
"Rama-ah-fist told me ah-bout you. You, heh, were cell mates' Herpes said as she squealed and gasped with delight. This was the best cunningulus she'd ever had. As Greenback was about to pull away from her, she grabbed hold of his head and tried to force it back to her crotch.
"Whaaat? You know Ramafist Crack?! What my boy been up to?' asked Greenback
"Burning in hell. He's dead.' replied Ron callously
Greenback looked taken aback by the news of his old cell mate's demise.
"You were locked up with Ramafist? We were his friends, so you'll release us, right?' asked Harry
"Shi+, Cracka! That dog aint never had friends, and I made him MY bi+ch. I wouldn't give a shi+ if you were his mutha' spat Greenback
"Your hands are cold' Herpes complained, but she cooed over his half meter long cock.
"It must take a lot of blood to fill that thing' said Harry as he glanced at Greenback's knife stuck in the wood post. Greenback knew what Harry was thinking, and it pissed him off.
"Oh that Ramafist. He thought he was the baddest mutha fu<ka in London as well, but he weren't no match for greenback. No, no! I remember he'd be pumpin' iron trying to get the best of old Greenback, but he ain't ever got it!' exclaimed Greenback.
"Get away from Herpes, you bleeding mutt' cried Ron as he tried to kick Greenback in the face.
"HERPES! I already gotz me one communicable disease, I don't need me another. Why the hell didn't chu tell me, girl?! Damn! Now I gotz teh see the vet' cried Greenback as he ran off.
"You could've untied us first, mongrel' cried Harry

"I'm working on it' said Ginny as she inched toward the shard of mirror Harry had tossed moments before. It took a few minutes, but she'd freed herself, and pulling Greenback's knife from the post she easily cut the rest of them free. Harry borrowed the knife from Ginny. It was certainly a pimp's knife! It was silver plated with ivory handles and encrusted with a ruby on the hilt. Harry found an inconspicuous SUV, which he easily hotwired with Greenback's knife. In less than a minute they were on the road.
Ginny's phone was ringing now "Gawd, what is it muh-thur?! What do you mean the baby is crying?.... Anus Sickenus did what?.... Well I don't care, I-.... What do you want me to do about it?... Fine!... bye!' *click* "Bi+ch!' she spat
"What did she want?' asked Harry
"Nothing really. Could we drop by the compound on the way?' asked Ginny
"Sorry luv, no time. The tosser might move his stash' explained Harry
"Whatever' Ginny replied spitefully though Harry could tell her anger wasn't directed toward him.
Harry, whom never took an interest in Ginny's children, wisely chose not to speak to her the rest of the drive.
And it was a long drive, but he didn't stop for food. Instead he promised they'd get something after the last wh0recrust was destroyed. He was feeling impatient. They'd taken far longer than Baldysnort would've expected. He couldn't risk the off chance of the Dope Lord running off with the wh0recrust. At last they parked at an establishment next to the Best Western hotel. Sneaking out under the invisibility cloak Harry instructed them. "I'm going to walk in the front door, go straight to the room, and kick in the door if I have to. You lot follow and stay under the cloak, and don't blow your cover. The bas+ard wants to kill me himself, if I'm ambushed I want you to counter attack.'
Something was bothering Harry as he walked toward the hotel, something in the back of his mind. Something wasn't right. There was a light grey blob floating behind him. He put it out of his mind determined that it was smoke from the spliff he was holding. He took a long drag, and blew a smoke stag, watching as it vanished in the air. He knew of TrueLooney's prophecy which had cursed him before he was even born. But anyone that knew the bi+ch could see it was bollocks. She'd OD on acid daily and start prophesizing the arrival of the space brothers from the Pleiadian star system, and a New One World Order maintained by the United Kingdom Monarchy through religion, chemical contamination of water reservoirs, genetic engineering and a satellite based mind control matrix system. He didn't know anyone other than Smokesummore who was capable of understanding one tenth of it. Nothing had ever come of these kinds of prophecies throughout recorded Whizzarding history. Unfortunately, Smokesummore followed this shi+ religiously. Harry was certain the old man was senile. "I'd throw the old tosser in a home if it were up to me' he thought aloud as he kicked an empty Super Size McDonalds cup off the sidewalk.

"That’s fiftee poun's fer litterin'' growled a shady looking bobby as he came up behind Harry. But Harry wasn't in any mood to be detained by the police. Even so, he had the reassurance of invisible backup somewhere nearby. "Kill him' Harry said as though talking to the thin air. The bobby froze in place looking confused for a second, but his shock turned to anger as his hand moved toward his gun. Harry was surprised that Ron hadn't done it. "KILL HIM' he said again as the bobby walked closer. As he drew near the bobby eyes darted back and forth between Harry and the people hiding under the cloak. At first he was ready to pull his gun, but they didn't move. "Are you on drugs, son?' the cop asked suspiciously. "Yeah' laughed Ron somewhere close enough to Harry he feared the bobby would mistake the voice for his own. Harry kicked the air where he thought the voice had come from, but missed them entirely. "Turn aroun' slowly wiff yer 'ands in thee air!' the bobby growled as he pulled out his gun. Harry turned around trying to look as though he were only arseholed. "I'm not dri- driving anywhere teh- tehday off- offusir' he said with a mock slur he'd perfected by routinely imitating Fifth the Smokesports grounds keeper. A look of shock came over the bobby's face as he stared at Harry's expression. He'd been trying to make his ticket quota by cutting corners, but wasn't prepared to deal with this. "Oh, I knah- know wha-t yooou want. How 'bout a liddle druh- dr-eenk' Harry slurred with a fake shi+ eating grin. "Better 'ave identee-fecation, arse'ole' growled the bobby as he holstered his gun and put his hand on his club. "Sure' Harry lied as he slowly dug around in his pocket and deliberately fumbled a huge wad of cash. As he'd hoped, the bobby's attention turned to the wad of money. Harry whipped out Greenback's knife and rammed it into the bobby’s solar plexus knocking the air from his lungs and making him crumple to the ground. "Fu<king Kevlar' growled Harry. The bobby pulled out his gun, but Harry kicked it from his hand and with a hop he brought his full weight upon the bobby's skull. With a single stomp it was over, but he had blood on his leg and shoe. "They're thick as flies this year. Scourgify!' he spat to clean the blood from his foot. From now on he'd have to be more careful. He grabbed the wad of money, just as a creature scurried toward it. Harry stuffed the roll in his pocket making sure it was tucked away in a secret compartment only he knew how to open as he glared suspiciously at the creature. "You're an unusual whizzard. You killed an enemy without using a weapon' said the grinning SlobKin (Goblin). "And what the hell are you?' asked Harry. "I'm Shi+hook (Griphook), your whizzarding banker' it growled at him. "Oh, that's right. You bloody little ghouls stole my money every damn time I deposited some in your bank' spat Harry. "You're barmy for using our bank. Why the hell do you think it's called BigShots (Gingots)? That name doesn't apply to you' it hissed. "I could care less' said Harry as he tried to walk away. *Wham* Shi+hook had smashed a flower pot over Harry's head. Harry crumpled to the ground and the little monster rummaged through his pocket. It cried out with joy as it ran off with Greenback's knife. "Why didn't you stop the little bas+ard?!' screamed Harry as he tried to stand. His head was splitting, and the world seemed to be spinning around him. He felt like he was going to be sick as he through his body against the side of the hotel in an attempt to steady himself. "Need some help mate?' whispered Ron from under the cloak. "I did, you arseholes'' growled Harry.

Ten minutes later, Harry's vision had finally cleared. Harry was about to enter the hotel when the SlobKin jumped on his back. "You stole the best shi+ in DireCon Alley! Sell me some hash' demanded Shi+hook as he shoved twenty pounds in Harry’s face. "You smashed a pot over my head, stole my knife, and now you're trying to buy my product with my own fu<king money?!' cried Harry. Shi+hook looked at him with indignation. "It's my money! I pawned the knife' he roared. Harry had enough of this shi+. He slammed his back against the side of the hotel knocking the SlobKin off, pulled out his gun and blew the creature's brains on the wall. "Harry! You just fired a gun. The police will be here in minutes' Herpes exclaimed as she poked her head out from beneath the cloak. "Sorry mate, she would let us help you' explained Ron. "That defeats the purpose of coming with me!' spat Harry through clenched teeth as he ripped the cloak off them and examined it. "It's stained' growled Harry as he shoved the cloak back in his trousers. "Thank gawd that's over. Ron's breath nearly caused me to gag' wheezed Ginny. "Now you know what I have to put up with' said Herpes as she looked disgusted at Ron. "I've been shagging her since I was ten' said Ron in a nonchalant tone. "But, you're brother and sister' exclaimed Herpes. Harry didn't have time to listen to this, though he found the conversation amusing. He threw open the door and stormed inside. Outside, Ron had taken time to pocket the bobby's gun, and the money Shi+hook dropped. Herpes punched him in the balls because Harry had already gone through the door, and Ginny punched him for being greedy. Harry looked around the lobby as the trio came bursting through the door with their guns drawn. It was filled with MethNeeders, and they were sneering at him loathfully. "What the 'ell took you so long, Pot'ead? Thee Dope Lord 'as been expecting you' hissed Crap's father as he pointed toward the hall. "'e wants to kill you 'imself, lucky bostud!' growled Girl's father enviously. "Yeah, I'm lucky like that' said Harry facetiously. They walked down the hall and stopped in front of the door. Harry checked his gun, and kicked the door in. "What the bloody hell?' he said in astonishment as he entered the room. Baldysnort wasn't anywhere to be seen. They looked around, but nothing seemed out of place, except... There was a huge snake on the bed next to a tube of KY Jelly. At first they thought it would attack, but as they drew closer they could see that it was getting its groove on. It was swaying to 50 Cent on it's boom box. "That snake is high as a mother fu<ker' exclaimed Ron. "Speak to it Harry' demanded Herpes. "What up dawg?' Harry called to the snake. "Oh you speak Hipsahopatongue (Parseltoungue)? I be guardin' the wh0recrust and shi+, yo. You like Fiddy?' asked the snake. "Hellz yeah! What chu rollin', brutha?' Harry asked hoping it wasn't laced with wh0recrust. "Some odds and ends. My shi+ come from Amsterdam. Only premium shi+ for Bikini (Nagini) the boa con-strik-tor.' it boasted. "Why yo name Bikini?' asked Harry. "Sheit, I disappear between the dope lord's cheeks like a g string.' explained Bikini pointing his tail at the tube of KY Jelly. "Mind if we tear this shi+ up?' asked Harry. "What in it fo me, Cracka?' hissed the snake suspiciously. Harry pulled out the wad of cash and tossed it to the snake. "Oh yeah we coo, we coo' said the snake as he counted the money.

Harry turned and ripped down every picture on the wall, but there were no signs of repair that would indicate a stash. He punched through the wall where one painting hung, but instead of finding a wh0recrust he'd opened a hole to the next room where a high ranking member of British Parliament was getting a blow job from his sixteen year old mistress. "What the bloody hell is going on? The manager is going to hear about this!' he screamed as they ran out of view. Harry tried again, this time he saw the old man had fallen in the floor trying to pull on his trousers in a hurry. His mistress was helping him stand. "I'll see you hang for this' he spat as he glared at Harry. Harry conjured up a video camera which he shoved through the gaping hole in the wall. "Coming to you live from The Best Western hotel in Cardiff, this is Charlie Wilcox with an exclusive channel four story' he lied. "What the hell, I own that bloody channel!' screamed the old man. Harry had his fun and slammed his bloodied fist into the wall once again, but this time he'd hit something. He dug away at the wall to reveal the last wh0recrust. "So it is still here?' Herpes said in astonishment. Herpes thought Baldysnort would grab up the wh0recrust and run off to parts unknown. "I told you, luv, The Dope Lord has a thick one for Harry. He can't get enough of 'em' said Ron quietly. Harry tossed the bag on the floor pointing his wand at it he cried "Incendio'. The bag burst into flames and the last wh0recrust was destroyed. But why hadn't they encountered any resistance once they'd entered the room? As Harry opened the room door to leave Ron called out to them. "Just a minute mates, I gotta take a...' He'd opened the door to expose Baldysnort sitting on the bog, cock in hand pleasuring himself and focused on a Gent magazine. "...Holy shi+!' cried Ron. "You just said you have to take a holy shi+' laughed Ginny as she turned and saw Baldysnort rising from the bog like a dark angel of a drug induced hallucination. "Oh my gawd!' she cried as they stood there staring at him as if waiting for the wanker to pull up his boxers and kill them. No such luck, for you see, Baldysnort wasn't just a pervert, he was an extremely immodest one. He tossed the literature on the floor and waddled out of the bathroom with his boxers about his ankles. "You couldn't just fu<king knock like everyone else.' he complained as he reached for his wand that had been laying atop a Gideon bible on the nightstand. Just as he was about to pick it up, he had a second thought and picked up the bible instead. Tearing out some of the pages he wiped his hands clean before tossing it in the rubbish bin. Then grasping his wand he spun around saying. "Have you not heard, I am HE that must not be disturbed', but he found they were gone. "Bollocks' said Baldysnort with disappointment. It occurred to him now that their cries hadn't been of fear, but disgust. He was starting to get used to that reaction outside of his circle of moronic followers. Harry left the hotel without incident. The MethNeeders thought he was an inferi, and congratulated him on an excruciating death at the hands of their master. He'd just walked out the door when a familiar face rounded the corner. "That's far enough, Pot'ead' cried Penis GetAScrew. "Expelliarmus' cried Harry. GetAScrew's wand flew out of his hand. Disarmed he charged at them "Incarcerous' cried Herpes and smoke ropes shot from the end of her bong wand binding GetAScrew fast. "You bloody fools! All I 'ave to do is animorph out of these ropes' he cried. Ginny grabbed his wand and rammed it up his fat @ss.
"Go ahead, but you'll be impaled on your own wand' she warned. GetAScrew was enraged. How did this little stoner girl know the animagu's one weakness. When they shrink to animal form, all non-bodily matter remains the same size. He'd starved himself for days in order to perform the transformation without risking internal rupture caused from an overfilled stomach. But a wand up the bum was as bad as a nine course meal!
"You little bi+ch!' cried GetAScrew realizing that he should have actually animorphed instead of threatening. His lifetime of habitual drug use had made him slow, lazy and stupid.
Harry, seeing GetAScrew's frustration, added "That old native American shape shifting trick can only be performed if you're in contact with your spirit guide and hoped up on peyote. You must've pulled a one eighty to get that stuff in Great Britain. The last we spoke you were begging to suck my cock for dirt grass.'
"Damn you child! You have no idea of what powers you're tampering with. The dope lord-' cried GetAScrew
"Can go wank himself to death, because he hasn't anymore wh0recrusts' Harry interrupted as they continued toward the SUV.

No sooner had they started the vehicle did several police cars pull into the hotel parking lot. They ran over to the dead cop, and then to GetAScrew whom they savagely kicked and tortured with their tasers. "Geezus! Is that where the MethNeeders got the cruciatus curse?' asked Ron remembering how it had destroyed a perfectly good high. "Yes, but they could never match the original death squads. Power to the police state!' laughed Ginny as they watched GetAScrew writhing on the ground. They could hear him screaming. He was trying to tell the police about Harry. "He is getting away' groaned GetAScrew as he pointed at them. But that didn't stop the police. They wanted revenge for their fallen comrade, whom they didn't quite recognize, but that wasn't the point. They were going to make an example out of all suspects. Harry laughed at their incompetence until he saw three of the cars pull out of the lot and head toward them. He waited to see if they were going to try to block the exit, which they did. "Mate, get us out of here' cried Ron. "Not yet' said Harry. He put the car in reverse as he watched the police draw their pistols and run toward their vehicle. "Accio guns' he cried. They momentarily froze as their guns flew toward the vehicle. Harry slammed the gas peddle to the floor, and they went flying backward across a grassy field. He swung around and drove toward the closest street. He wished now that he'd chosen a lighter, and faster vehicle. Ron and Herpes were levitating vehicles out of their way as Harry barreled trough traffic.

Meanwhile
An elderly couple, who appeared to be in their early nineties had walked through three metal detectors and had their bags examined twice. They had been waiting in line for 3 hours to be screened for their flight. "Identee-fecation please' demanded a plump security officer. "Yes, sir' said the woman handing him their passports. "Driver's License as well' he demanded. They each handed him their licenses. He screwed up his face looking them over several times before moving on. "Stand over there' he commanded "We 'ave teh search yeh'. Again they complied. as they were patted down and a hand held metal detector checked them for even the minutest trace of metal. The inspector seemed unhappy. He called over a guard and spoke to him in whispers. "I think we need to take these two to the back room' said the inspector. "They check out clean?' asked the guard as he glared at the suspiciously. "Oh yes sir, but they smell... bad, sir. I don't think I would want to sit next to them for an eight hour flight' he replied. "We need an escort for two suspicious passengers' the guard said in his radio. Two armed guards with their hands on their guns ran at full speed toward them. One hopped over the escalator railing to show off. "Come with us' they demanded as they took hold of the couple forcibly by their arms without removing their other hands from their guns and led them to the interrogation room. They were told they were being detained until police arrived. Fifteen minutes later they were being interviewed by two police officers in the presence of two new security guards who replaced the first. Their identification checked out, and they were now required to wait for a physical inspector to arrive to give them a physical exam. He started by giving them cups to urinate in. It was sent to the lab to be analyzed. It would show if they had trace amounts of narcotics in their systems which would indicate whether they were smuggling drugs inside their bodies, but these came back negative. Next he proceeded to give them an oral cavity search, which they passed without complications. 'Time teh go down unduh. Bend ovuh' demanded the physical inspector in his thick Aussie accent. "Sorry, but we've already missed our flight. There isn't any reason for you to detain us longer. I'd like to go home now, please' said the elderly gentleman. The security guards, and police whipped out their guns and commanded the man to comply with the order he'd been given. He tried to reason with them, and explained that he had a severe case of piles, but it resulted in a police officer twisting his arm behind his back, slamming him face down on the concrete floor and pressing his knee against the old man's spine hard enough to possibly snap it. The old man's companion begged for mercy, but was ordered to remain silent by the other bobby, who'd up till this point been watching her reaction with his hand on his gun. The old man himself begged to be released from the extremely painful hold, but this only angered the bobby pinning him. The old man was told he was being placed under arrest, and now facing, at best, several days in prison for refusing to obey an order. "In my day the police were public servants, not the masters of the public' groaned the old man. This enraged the bobby, who forcibly slammed the old man over the table and pinned him down while the inspector put on a disposable latex glove.

Suddenly, on the other side of the airport an SUV riding on bare metal rims came flying through the steel reinforced glass window. People dove out of the way as it sped through the airport, smashing through a metal detector and into the escalators. The occupants of the vehicle quickly broke out the front window and climbed out of the wreckage. The police poured into the building behind them, as security guards greeted them with gun fire. Harry took cover, pointed his wand at the destroyed SUV and shouted "Confringo!' It exploded killing more than twenty bobbies and hurling him through air into an already panicked line of passengers who were being screened for a flight. A security guard raised his gun, but Harry was faster. *Blam* The guard fell dead on the floor. People were screaming and running as though they might be shot next. Harry laughed at their ignorance as he pulled himself off the floor, shooting both police and airport security guards as fast as they appeared. The stampede was giving them excellent cover. Harry watched as a bullet that had been meant for him hit a black teenager, causing him to crumple to the ground. It was Lee Jordan. A burly bobby near the body pulled out a bag of crack and sprinkled some on Lee's face while two more provided him with covering fire. Immediately Lee was on his feet and stabbed all three of the bobbies before they could stop him, . He easily pried the bag from the hand of the wounded bobby and ran off with the dope saying "Good luck, Harry'. Gun fire was coming from both directions, and the passengers were gone. Then a door flew open and two cops were firing at them from behind. Herpes, the only one that hadn't pulled out a gun, was shot in her arm. "Die, wankers!' screamed Ron as he shot both the bobbies as well as the two security guards that followed them. There was some kind of commotion taking place in the room they just come from, but they were too busy trying to survive this nightmare to pay attention. Slowly, they were being overwhelmed by the sheer number of enemies they were facing. No matter how many dead lay on the ground more were pouring in to take their place. Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw a white flag waving on stick. He pulled Ginny into the room, and while he gave them covering fire, Ron helped herpes through the door. Harry dove inside and quickly barricaded the door. "They're in here' someone cried from the other side. Bullets were flying through the door, and they were forced to take shelter behind a toppled steel examining table. A man lay unconscious on the floor bleeding from his head, beside him was the weapon that had knocked him out. It was a fire extinguisher taken off the wall. The police were now trying to chop through the door with an axe. "Reparo' cried Herpes holding out her wand with her good arm, and the door was instantly mended. "What the bleedin' 'ell is goin' on 'ere?' cried a voice from the other side, but the harder they tried to chop through the door, the faster she would repair it. "You get yourself into some bad situations, man. This is negative karma' said a familiar voice. "Professor?' cried Harry as he finally realized who'd waved the white cloth. It had been a pair of women panties attached to his wand. Smokesummore was now wearing them on his head. He was shaking slightly, there were dark circles under his eyes, which were twitchy. His demeanor seemed grave, his jubilant expressions has been replaced with a cynical, possibly even jaded look. His skin was pale white, and despite the comfortable room temperature, he seemed to be sweating. "What the bloody hell happened to you?' asked Harry. "I don't want to talk about it, man' groaned Smokesummore. "We have to get out of here' said Ron as he looked around trying to find anything they could use to their advantage. He tripped over the inspector causing the man to groan and drop a moldy snatch. Harry reached out and grasped it instinctively as he helped Ron to his feet. Bullet chewed through the door once more, and they were forced to take cover.

“Is this the end of us, Anus (Albus)?’ cried IveDun'EmAll. Harry's attention shot over to SmokeSummore. He felt as though he were awakening from a dream. "Anus... Anus SmokeSummore?' thought Harry. Something had just clicked into place. Then Harry noticed SmokeSummore's hand. His knuckles were bruised, and cracked as though he'd punched something hard. Harry’s mind was racing, far too fast for a stoner. It made him feel as though he was going to puke. The handkerchief SmokeSummore usually wore on his head as a bandana was missing. Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out the A.S.S. handkerchief. “Wait a tick... A.S.S.?’ wondered Harry. He looked at SmokeSummore’s head, and then at the handkerchief in his hand, and at once realized where it’d come from. “I think you dropped this, Anus Smoke-Summore’ spat Harry as he tossed the handkerchief in SmokeSummore’s face.
“Oh man! I thought I’d lost that. Where’d you find it?’ asked Smokesummore coyly.
“You know damn well were I found it! You didn’t want me going after the wh0recrusts, did you? You were using me to smuggle the house cut out of SmokeSports’ cried Harry
"You let Sludge steal your house cut while I was gone. The feds froze my assets, man. I had to use you to smuggle my bank roll out of the castle. The Dodgy Product fingered me for the deaths of the BaccyTins, and the school is being sued for 15 billion galleons by the parents. I had the feds on my @ss the moment you forced me to came back using that damn schedule. I had to make several unreasonable plea bargains with the Feds just to avoid arrest' cried SmokeSummore
"Oh- The cameras you were installing... Right, I understand now, but what about the stuff that WAS ours? Where are our things?' asked Harry
"I sold it to get back some of the money you spent' replied SmokeSummore
"You sold HerbCig (Hedwig)?' exclaimed Harry
"Nah man, I ate the bird. It tasted pretty good' Smokesummore replied
"That was my owl, you bas+ard! You told me you were a vegetarian' cried Harry lugubriously
"I'm sensing some hostility from you, man. The path to ascension starts with inner peace' said SmokeSummore aloofly
"Shut up' spat Harry as another barrage of bullets came flying through the door at them causing them to once again take cover behind the table.
"Mate, if they break in here we're screwed. I'm out of ammo' cried Ron.
"Take Herpe's gun, she's not using it' replied Harry. He turned back to face Smokesummore again.
"What about the wh0recrusts? You didn't destroy any of them?' he asked curtly
"What? You think I'm stupid? That's suicide, man. Listen, I know what you're thinking, but relax. They'll be gone once he uses 'em up. It's just a matter of time, man' SmokeSummore replied
"Then why did you tell me to involve my friends, and why the bloody hell didn't you stop me in DireCon alley?! Harry asked hatefully
"Because I knew they'd talk you out of it, man. What the hell can a group of stoned teenagers do against a heavily armed drug lord with hordes of mindless blood thirsty followers?' Smokesummore asked condescendingly
"Then what about the prophecy? Baldysnort didn't kill my parents. You lied to me' shouted Harry
"It's bollocks. TrueLooney came up with that crap when she was tripping on acid. You gotta grow up one day, man' replied SmokeSummore
"We just destroyed the last wh0recrust seventeen minutes ago, Jack@ss' Harry bellowed.
Smokesummore laughed in indignation. "I bet you did' he chuckled
"I don't give a blast ended skrewt's arse what you think' roared Harry
"Then, congratulations. You didn't need my money after all' Smokesummore said hatefully
An overwhelming urge to kill his old headmaster was starting to get the best of Harry. Before he could act, Herpes interrupted their row.
"Professor, you're not high?' Herpes asked.
"Why do you think it took me this long to book a flight to the States, man? I had to detoxify in case they'd give me a drug test, which they did' replied Smokesummore.

The door splintered, and folded inward under another barrage of bullets. Herpes fixed it once more, but Harry knew he had to act now.
He jumped over the examination table and grabbed the fire extinguisher. He tossed it toward the back wall and shot it with his Glock. The explosion made a crater on the surface, but wasn't strong enough to break through. It also made a horrible mess. He looked around for anything he could use, but anger got the best of him. He cast wingardium leviosa on SmokeSummore and used the old man's head as a battering ram on the weakened area of the wall. It worked so well that SmokeSummore breeched the wall in a single thrust. Harry, Ron, Herpes, and Ginny walked over him as they stepped through the wall. IveDun’EmAll followed, but was careful to step around him. Not surprisingly, she was also the only one to help him stand. "Man, I think you gave me a concussion' groaned SmokeSummore. "Good' growled Ginny who'd been listening to the entire conversation over the noise of the gunfire. "Reparo' cried Herpes and the wall was whole once again. Not a moment too soon, either. The police had just ripped through the door, and were clearing away the barricade Harry had lodged against it. "Where did they go?' asked a bobby. "Search this room, don't let any of them escape' the chief pig ordered. "What about 'im?' asked another bobby. "He must have been a hostage. He's an airport employee. We'll need him for questioning just the same. Better get him a medic, Saunders' the chief pig ordered. "Ye-yes sir' called the bobby as he radioed for medical assistance. Harry and company had found themselves in an employee only area, and no one seemed to be around. Harry figured everyone had either vacated the building or were on the other side of the wall. His foot hit something. He looked down and saw SmokeSummore's bong wand.
"I'll take this as payment for the things you stole' growled Harry as he picked up SmokeSummore's wand.
"Oh man, you can't have that. It's part of my collection, man!' exclaimed SmokeSummore.
"What collection?' asked Harry.
"That bong wand, a cocaine stone that gets you so high it brings the dead back to life, and... Oh my god! That fascist has my stone' exclaimed SmokeSummore.
"Who?' asked Ginny
"The fascist that dug it out of my @ss' sobbed SmokeSummore as he fell to his knees. IveDun’EmAll cradled his head between her breasts as he wailed like a baby. "The stone is gone. I'll never be able to molest my baby sister again' he wailed pathetically.
"But it doesn't really matter if you have an entire collection' Ron said with contempt.
"Man, there's only one other piece, and he's already got it' said SmokeSummore pointing at Harry.
"Got what, arsehole?' asked Harry who was still struggling with the temptation to kill the old bugger.
"The toke (cloak)' cried SmokeSummore. "I taught it to you during your first year at SmokeSports, cause your dad taught it to me' he choked.
"Professor, that's not an item, its an action' said Ron
"Its both! A secret method of getting a high even off dirt itself' explained Smokesummore.
Harry looked at the moldy snatch in his hand. A quick wiff told him that it had indeed been up the old man's @ss.

"I got your stone, but I'm not giving it back' said Harry as he held up the snatch for SmokeSummore to see.
"You'll never open it. Only one who would never use the stone can obtain it' lied SmokeSummore
"Bollocks, you said that you use it to molest your baby sister' spat Harry as he examined the snatch. He found some writing that said "I open at the other end'. Realizing what this meant made him cringe. He wasn't about to put something in his mouth that had been up SmokeSummore's @ss.
"See? Now give it back' growled SmokeSummore
"This is for HerbCig' cried Harry as he tossed the snatch in the air and shot it with his gun. He'd meant to destroy it, but it split open instead.
"You destroyed the stone!' exclaimed SmokeSummore. Harry pulled the stone from the snatch. It was split down the center, but was otherwise unharmed. The gunfire drew the attention of a couple lazy security guards that remained behind to eat their lunch.
“Who the 'ell is zat?... Wait a bloomin' minute... Robe, long beard ...must be Osama Bin Ladin!’ cried one of them. “Nigel, how could it be 'im. No towel on 'is 'ead’ said the other. “He’s wearing ladies knickers on 'is 'ead, and 'e smells like shi+ from 'ere!' Nigel replied. "Right, that’s good enough for me!’ said the other guard as he pulled out his gun, but Nigel stopped him. "I'm callin' deh prime ministuh' he declared. "But what if it really ain't 'im? Ministuh Blaire ain't gunna like it' the other guard whined. "You worry too much, Rupert' complained Nigel as he pulled out his mobile phone.
"We can't wait around for you, move your arse, old man, or we're leaving without you' growled Ginny as she pulled SmokeSummore to his feet and pushed him toward a door marked Emergency Use Only. Outside they saw a parked Limousine, but Harry was at a loss to hotwire the car without a knife. He tried to bite through the wires with his teeth, but it wasn't getting him anywhere. Finally Ron offered to do it for him. He got the vehicle to start, and they were off across the run way and driving across the grassy countryside. Ron pulled onto a street several blocks from the airport and crashed through the side of a liquor store. "Hang on mates, I need me a drink' said Ron as he hoped out of the car and into the store. Harry ordered the rest of them out of the vehicle as well. The sales clerk moaned from under the fender of the car as Harry stepped out, silently promising himself never to let Ron drive again!
"Lock up for me' cried the clerk who proceeded to faint from traumatic shock. He was clearly out of his mind from shock.
"Why not?' said Harry as he took the store keys from behind the counter, opened the cash register and robbed the poor bas+ard.
As they left through the back door Harry tossed the store keys in a dumpster. A black man hopped out, and cried "Thanks buddy! Now I gotz me a home!' as he ran inside the store. SmokeSummore grunted with displeasure at the man's North American accent.
"Bloody CIA aren't content with digging through our garbage, they loot our stores as well' he spat as he opened one of the six bottles of Jack Daniels he was carrying.
"Professor, that wasn't a CIA agent' replied Herpes.
"A black man without a home in England?' asked Smokesummore rhetorically as though it were obvious. "How do you explain his accent, man?' he added
"I- I don't know, but I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation' she muttered more to herself than to him.
"Then tell me what it is' said SmokeSummore in a smug tone.
Herpes couldn't argue with Smokesummore, not because he was convincing, but he was an imbecile.

Police sirens were drawing near. They ran down the alley and hid in someone's garage. Harry looked for a blade he could use to strip electrical wiring. He settled on a small pair of pruning shears. A poor choice indeed, but he'd have to make do. They peered out of the windows, watching, and waiting for the police to leave. After they were certain the police had gone they ran out of the garage and further down the alley until Harry saw the vehicle he wanted, but Smokesummore had beaten him to it. The old man wrapped his hand with his handkerchief and slammed his fist into the window slightly cracking it. "God damn it!' screamed SmokeSummore as he shook his hand. He drew back his fist preparing to throw another punch, but Harry shoved him out of the way and opened the door by the handle. "It's not locked, you nutter' he growled as they piled in. Harry was using the pruning shears to strip the wires when a man came running at them. He was screaming "What thee bleedin 'ell do yeh think yer doin' to me fu<kin' van?' They locked the doors, but the man had a key. The door flew open, the man faltered. He was staring down the barrel of Ron's gun. His face was frozen a expression of shock, but a second later he'd turned around and ran back in his house. "Hurry, mate. That bas+ard is going to call to the pigs' cried Ron. The pruning shears were more trouble than Harry had bargained. The car turned over just as a police car pulled in behind them blocking the exit. Not able to pull out, Harry barreled across the man's yard, through his wooden fence, and into traffic. He drove for an additional half hour before relaxing. They had apparently skived past the police. He, however, insisted that Smokesummore get high, or get out. He'd heard enough of the crazy old man's lies and vulgar philosophy to last a lifetime. Smokesummore agreed on the condition that Harry play a Credence Clearwater CD he'd pulled from his robes. Tanked up on stolen booze, Harry swerved onto the road that would take them to the compound, "THE place where all Weedleys live and die' said Ron with pride. "Oh man, I gotta go back for my van! Can I have these wheels when you're done with 'em?' Smokesummore asked before taking another hit on Ron's bong and passing it back to IveDun’EmAll. Ron shrugged, "I guess so... We destroyed the wh0recrusts, so we can just hang out at the compound until school starts' he explained. "School's out forever, man... You destroyed the Dope Lord's stash?!' cried Smokesummore as though he was hearing it for the first time. "I just got high, and I don't want you to ruin it for me by starting this shi+ again' growled Ron. "Oh, man. We need to celebrate!' cried Smokesummore. He opened another bottle of whiskey and poured it down his throat. "How did you kill 'em?' asked Smokesummore coming stopping to breathe. "Eh, we didn't. It was too disgusting. I mean, we caught him wanking on the bog. He was exposed and his cock looked like a balloon, and-' Ron tried to explain, but Smokesummore interrupted. "Oh man, we’re screwed, man. We're all screwed! Game over, man. I don’t want to die like that!' he cried. "What the hell are you on about now?' growled Herpes as she lifted her head off Ron's lap. "Don't you know? He's the one who must not be disturbed. He goes ape shi+ when people walk in on 'em jerkin' off. He's mentally sick. It turns him on, man. He gets horny and...' Smokesummore shook his head as though trying to rid himself of a bad memory. "He probably killed half his followers and wanked on 'em, but he won't be satisfied until he's made a snuff film of us.' he finished. "Whatever, you arseholed git. I don't feel much like giving you anything, but since we're here-' Harry started, but Smokesummore physically tossed them out the doors. Without saying a word, he drove away with IveDun’EmAll. "Son of a bi+ch!' shouted Harry as he lay on the gravel drive flipping them off. Ron pulled out Herpe's gun and fired a few rounds at them. The vehicle fishtailed, but kept moving until it was out of sight. "You recon you hit one of them?' asked Harry. "I wish' growled Ron.

"Right... Lets get inside before someone shoots us for trespassing again' suggested Harry. The compound was heavily fortified, steel beam reinforced stucco walls were lined with thermal insulation to protect against infrared scanning technology. Thirty improvised missile silos stood ready to protect them from an aerial attack. A barb wire fence and four elevated remotely operated turret guns guarded the yard. Nearly 100 snarling pit bulls were leaping behind a tall electrically sealed fence as they drew near. Mines were scattered throughout the yard. The dogs were trained to go around them, but Harry was careful to watch where Ron and Ginny stepped. Someone must have triggered a motion sensor, because the warning sirens were blaring. The door flew open, and Ballsy (Molly) Weedley dove sideways through the jam shooting at them as she landed on the ground. "MUM!' Ron screamed in agony. "Oh its you dear, we weren't expecting you' she beamed at Harry who was laying face down in the dirt clutching his bleeding shoulder. "MAN DOWN! CHARLIE, BILL, WE NEED MEDICAL AID NOW. MOVE, MOVE, MOVE' cried Mrs. Weedley. When their wounds had been cleaned and dressed, they were carried inside on a military stretcher. "Rations will be served in eighteen 'undred hours' said Mrs. Weedley as she sat at a workbench blindfolded and field stripped an FNFAL. Four folding cots were erected in the den, and each of them had been placed on one. Bill looked with shame at their wounds. He was disappointed with his mother's shooting skills. "Only flesh wounds' he sighed shaking his head. "We're gunna haff teh buy you some frangibles, mum' he added as he turned to leave the room. Mrs. Weedley shot him a murderous look, but Bill didn't mind. He knew she'd never hit her target. Despite the pain he felt, Harry couldn't keep his eyes open. He was so exhausted that he'd fallen asleep within minutes. When he awoke he could hear Ginny's children screaming upstairs. His head was throbbing. He knew that he shouldn't have drunk so much rum, but Ron had insisted. He pulled himself into a sitting position with his feet on the floor. He sat staring at the floor for a few minutes, but wasn't sure he'd be able to stand. The wound in his thigh seared with pain as he tried to stand. He let himself fall back on the edge of the cot. He pulled his bong wand from his robes and fired it up. He took a hit, but instead of holding it in he started coughing and gagging. "Something made the infamous Harry Pothead choke? What the hell are you smoking?' Herpes sniggered. "It tastes like shi+' he cried as he wiped him lips on his sleeve. "I had some of your hash earlier, it was the dog's bollocks' she replied. "It's not the hashish, it the bloody wand' said Harry as he realized it was the wand he'd taken from Smokesummore, wishing now that he'd given it back. He tried his best to wipe the mouth piece clean before taking another hit. The taste could not be removed so easily. Harry extinguished the fire and shoved the wand back in his robes. He turned and looked at Herpes.. She was reading a romance novel and she'd flushed with excitement. "Where are Ron and Ginny' he asked Herpes, but she only gave him a shrug and continued reading her book. He turned toward Mrs. Weedley and asked the same question. "Mrs. Weedley, where's Ron and Ginny?' She pointed to a monitor on the wall where two body bags lay next to two holes being dug separately by Bill and Charlie. "They can't be... Not them' cried Harry as he fell on his face trying to stand once more. Mrs. Weedley conjured a staff for Harry to lean on. "Why don'tcha see for your self, dear' said Mrs. Weedley as she pointed toward the back door. Harry hobbled out followed by Mrs. Weedley. Charlie finished his hole and was lowering one of the bodies. As soon as he was out of the hole Mrs. Weedley clicked her stop watch. "Eleven minutes, seven seconds. You boys will have to move faster to dispose of a real body' she said with disappointment. "Oi! Who doesn't have a REAL BODY, mum?' Ginny called out from the hole. "Sorry dear' Mrs. Weedley apologized, but Ginny was incensed and unwilling to drop the matter. "I have three kids of my own, and I'm shagging Harry. How could I accomplish that without a body?' growled Ginny as Charlie unzipped her bag. "Harry shags myrtle as well, would you say that she has a body, George?' asked Fred. "Yeah!' George drooled. Dog feces splattered on the twin's faces. George was spitting and gagging. "Those bloody mongrels have worms' he spat. "I know' laughed Ginny. The twins looked ready to attack her, but a stern glance from their mother made them reconsider.

"Fred, George go inside and wash up. Bill, Charlie, fill in these holes. Ron, Ginny, help Harry back inside. On the double! Your father will be home soon' Mrs. Weedley ordered. No sooner had they dragged themselves through the kitchen did the front door swing open and Armor Weedley stepped inside. "Oi, bloody hell' he cried slamming the door shut behind him, and rubbing his head. "'ard day at the plant dear?' asked Mrs. Weedley. "Fu<kin' puddles always stealin' me parkin' spot, and givin' me an 'ard time wiff ID and duh meddle detectors. Even wiff me magic I could only nick a few acteeve war'eads this year!' grumbled Mr. Weedley. Mrs. Weedley looked disappointed but quickly changed the subject. "Get washed up, dear. Dinner will be served in a few minutes' said Mrs. Weedley in a melancholy tone. It wasn't long before they were all seated around the table. It was an unusually quiet dinner for the Weedleys. The usual bickering and death threats had been replaced with an cold silence. Ginny sat at the other end of the table than her children. She preferred to let her parents raise them, and treat them like younger siblings. The eldest of them was already calling Mrs. Weedley "mummy'. Mrs. Weedley, herself, was rather flustered by the abandonment Ginny had shown for them. Mr. Weedley tried to break the tension.
"I seen a coffin on me way in. Dig up another one, 'ave we son? 'Ooze the lucky lady this time?' he asked
"One of the hookers that died at Smokesports. We nicked the entire hearse during the funeral. They'd have to be bloody mental to come in here' said Bill as he chewed on a rare hunk of steak.
"That explains why blokes were frowin' stones at me car' grumbled Mr. Weedley.
"Mr. Weedley, a mad man is on the loose and he's trying to kill us-" Herpes started.
"You'll be safe enough 'ere ginger, so long as yeh don't piss me off er nuthin' Mr. Weedley said, interrupting her.
"Yes but, we can't stay here forever, What I mean is-' She started again
"We have guns, and we can handle this ourselves. If you have any second thoughts, maybe you should go home' growled Ginny
"You have guns, but Ron took mine' Herpes growled back
"Puddle weapons?' cried Mr. Weedley with a wild yet maniacal gleam in his eye.
"I 'ave a large collection taken from deh dead 'ands of those sodding pigs' he said happily. After dinner he led them through an underground tunnel to his heavily fortified garage where they were faced with an arsenal the likes of which could humble the Chinese military. Harry was astounded. This hoard could fetch the starving Weedleys more scratch on the black market than Bill Gates could earn in a century.
"Cor! Is this one of the nuclear warheads you nicked?' asked Ron with an awestruck look in his eyes.
"Right you are, son. This baby 'ere can vaporize an entire village of puddles. Its made to be fired from me tank, but for deh mose part we been workin' on newks deh size of a bullet' said Mr. Weedley as he pulled a few rounds from his pocket. "I didn't tell your muver about these, cause she'd 'ave 'em all to 'erself. he added
"Do you sell weapons?' asked Herpes
"SELL, ME WEAPONS?!' screamed Mr. Weedley as though she'd asked him to do something horribly indecent.
Harry knew what Herpes was thinking and quickly reminded her "Don't come between a Weedley and his gun!'. A phrase Ron forced them to memorize in their first year at Smokesports.
"Better not let Fred and George see your arsenal' Harry warned Mr. Weedley, but he only laughed.
"Fred and George would never steal me arsenal. I'd kill 'em bowf and 'ave 'em buried in me back yard' explained Mr. Weedley.
Ron was acting like a kid in a candy store. "Let me borrow the tank, dad!' he cried
"No way in 'ell. You'll loose it' spat Mr. Weedley
"How could I loose a bloody tank?' argued Ron
"You're about to loose some bloody teeth!' roared Mr. Weedley who was visibly angered by Ron's persistence
"You never give me anything I want' whined Ron
"If you didn't frow away what we give yeh when yeh run outta ammo, I jus might let you 'ave a better gun' said Mr. Weedley curtly.
"Least I'm not a traitor like Percy. I didn't go crying to the feds for protection from my crazy right wing family' spat Ron
"Right wing are we, son?' chuckled Mr. Weedley as he lit a spliff.
Ron turned and stormed back through the tunnel. Harry was tempted to follow him, but Mr. Weedley would have Herpes and Ginny in a three-way the moment he turned his back. From what he could tell, they wanted it too.

"Be a good lad and see what Ron's doin'' said Mr. Weedley as he shoved five pounds in Harry's hand and gently pushed him toward the tunnel. "What the hell' thought Harry as he walked through the tunnel and pushed open the secret entrance hidden under a floor matt. As soon as he'd emerged Mrs. Weedley asked "What's Armor up to wiff deh girls'. "Shagging' replied Harry as he took a seat at the kitchen table.
"That’s nice, dear' replied Mrs. Weedley as though she hadn't heard him.
"Oh, there was one other thing' added Harry with a sudden mischievous look in his eye
"What's that, dear?' asked Mrs. Weedley
"He stole some nuclear bullets he didn't tell you about. He said you'd hog them all' Harry replied with an evil grin
"'E WOT?' bellowed Mrs. Weedley as she cycled the action on her .357 magnum Desert Eagle and dove through the hidden passage.
"That was easier than getting anal from Herpes. Or is it getting herpes from anal?' chuckled Harry. Ron gave him a thumbs up, and opened a couple of Guinness beers, which he drank himself.
"Greedy bugger' pouted Harry.
Loud explosions were coming from the tunnel now. It sounded like a war had broken out under the house, but the noise died down quickly enough.
Mr. Weekly’s head poked out of the tunnel. He looked around for a couple of minutes before calling out to Ron.
"Get Bill and Charlie. He demanded. "We need a 'ole for your muver'
"Five pounds' demanded Ron
"Damn it! How'd you know?' Harry asked as he gave Ron the money.
"Mum's aim was always off. She flinched every time she pulled the trigger' explained Ron
"It seemed bloody good to me' said Harry as he rubbed his shoulder. Ron started to laugh and choked. Beer came out his nose. He nearly fell over the railing as he ascended up the stairs to fetch his brothers. Ginny and Herpes had just come out of the tunnel looking enraged. "Who's brilliant idea was it to send mum after dad?' she growled.
"What's got you riled up?' asked Harry
"Mum was supposed to watch the kids while I went on vacation with you' she spat
Harry had been too high to realize how important Mrs. Weedley was to Ginny. He'd really fu<ked this up. *BLAM* The sound of a single shot came from the tunnel. "Are you sure your mother was dead? asked Harry. Mr. Weedley popped out of the hole just as Harry finished asking the question. "She is now, I jus' fineeshed 'er off' said Mr. Weedley. "Seems to me that you should be pissed off at him for shooting her' said Harry pointing his finger at Mr. Weedley. A bullet whizzed past Harry's ear, and he dove under the table pulling out his own gun. Mr. Weedley had tried to kill him. Fred and George leaped down the stairs at the sound of gunfire. "What's the hell is going on?' cried the twins simultaneously. Two bullets were fired at them. Fred lay on the floor unconscious while George was clutching the side of his head. Ron, Bill and Charlie ran down the stairs. Mr. Weedley was taking aim, but Ginny and Herpes jumped on him.
"Get off me, you stinkin' 'ores' spat Mr. Weedley as Ginny, and Herpes wrestled him to the ground.
"That wasn't what you were saying a few minutes ago' replied Ginny as she pried the gun from her father's hands.
"I jus' wanted a go wiff deh two a yew. Nuffin more. I didn't mean teh make 'er angry. Now she's gone forever' wailed Mr. Weedley
"Bollocks' said Harry as he crawled toward them. "You not only disabled your wife, you went back and made bloody certain you finished her off. Then you tried to kill me' he roared
"I fought you pointed a gun at me' whimpered Mr. Weedley.
"So what if I did? In this house someone is always pointing a gun at someone else. Even making death threats on occasion, but they haven't ever pulled the trigger until today. At least not when aiming to kill. I think you were tired of Mrs. Weedley taking your precious guns and ammunition. And as for me, you probably figured if you killed me you'd have Ginny all to yourself again. Just like you did when you made those three bas+ards'

"What?' cried Herpes looking at Ginny who was starting to cry.
"That's right, he raped his own daughter for since she was eight years old, and forced her to give birth to his children. She named them after teachers at Smokesports to hide her shame, but it was obvious. With their mutant Weedley features. She was ashamed to be seen with them. That's why she never brought them to school' Harry explained as he pointed his gun at Mr. Weedley head
"I told you not to tell anyone!' wailed Ginny
"Get thee 'ell out of me 'ouse' bellowed Mr. Weedley.
"Gladly!' spat Harry as he grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and limped toward the door, stopping only to say "I wish your wife had killed you. You fat disgusting piece of shi+'. Outside Harry hotwired Mr. Weedley's car and used a blasting spell to burst through the reinforced barb wire fence. Some police were waiting in the drive, but Harry screamed "Accio guns', and "Wingardium Leviosa' to float the car over the blockade while they retrieved their weapons. He sped back toward London. Someone in DireCon Alley would know the location of the Dope Lord's lair. He was going to beat the piss out of everyone until one of them told him. Had he not been expecting his friends to follow him, he would have asked Ron before he'd left. He pushed a tape in the player. "The bloody Spice Girls!' cried Harry as he quickly ejected the tape and tossed it out the window. He grabbed another tape and shoved it in the player. It was Jerry Garcia. Not one of Harry's personal favorite, but he had a long drive ahead of him, and it was getting late. He was angry, and confused. None of his friends had tried to stop him from leaving. They hadn't even followed him out the door, they just watched him leave without so much as bidding him farewell. Harry stopped at a filling station for some munchies, and some gas. Unfortunately it was 3:00 in the morning and the station was closed. Out of frustration he took a chunk of loose cement and smashed it through the glass window. He knew that it would trigger a silent alarm, but he wasn't going to stay. He drove on fumes until the car sputtered to a halt. He looked around, and realized he was in the middle of nowhere. He levitated the car into a field and placed a "For Sale' sign in the window. This, he thought, might hinder the police from recognizing the vehicle. He wondered what happened after he'd left the compound. The gates had been blown off their hinges, and he wasn't sure how the Weedleys would handle a raid in the state he'd left them in. Now that he thought about it, he felt sorry for Mrs. Weedley, and for Ginny. "Bloody brilliant, Harry' he said hatefully to himself. He walked for what seemed like several miles, trying to find a car; trying to find any car. Dawn had come and Harry was a mess. He was about to hide in a culvert and sleep for a few hours when a van pulled up beside him. "Get in, man' said Smokesummore. "How did you find me?' asked Harry. "I wasn't even looking for you' replied Smokesummore. Harry felt gratitude toward the old man. "I'm sorry about how I treated you, and your friends, I didn't think you could actually pull it off, man' explained Smokesummore, but his words were missed by Harry who'd fallen asleep the moment he laid down on the rubbish that filled the vehicle. It wasn't unlike SmokeSummore’s office. Harry was asleep for eight hours before he'd waken. He opened his eyes wondering where the hell he was. Wherever it was it smelled worse that a pack of winos in a men's room. He opened the van door now remembering that Smokesummore had given him a lift. "Where are we professor?' asked Harry as he stepped outside and into a hole filled with human feces and urine. "Oi, what the hell?' cried Harry. "Watch out for the hole, man. I had teh shi+, but there aren't any toilets out here' explained Smokesummore. Harry looked around and nearly shi+ as well. The daft old man had pitched a tent in Green Park near Buckingham Palace.
"Professor, I need your help' Harry said with an air of disgust shaking the human waste from his foot.
"I'm not giving you any more money, man' said Smokesummore flatly
"I don't want your money. I need to find Baldysnort's lair' explained Harry
"Sounds like you need to let go of the world around you and reach out to the world within you, man' replied Smokesummore
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?' asked Harry
'Find the Dope Lord within yourself, and you'll know where he is, man' explained Smokesummore
"What the fu<k are you on?' cried Harry
"It's all about expanding your consciousness by suppressing it, man' explained Smokesummore
"Somehow you always manage to piss me off!' growled Harry, but Smokesummore continued
"It's like, you leave your body, but you don't go anywhere. Dig it?' he asked
"You know what? Give me back the 4 years of tuition money you swindled out of me, you quack.' snarled Harry
"Fine just send me a written invoice by owl' guffawed Smokesummore
"You ate my fu<king owl!' croaked Harry There was silence for about one entire minute, Smokesummore seemed to be thinking about what Harry said
"Parents have been complaining about a waif running a school, so I bought me a home, man' said Smokesummore proudly as he held his arms out to show Harry the 5 by 7 foot nylon tent he'd salvaged from a dumpster behind a hardware store and patched with duct tape. A grin came over Harry’s face.
"Great… I'm sure that will change their minds' Harry said facetiously
"I think I'll start a commune out here, man' declared Smokesummore as he put his hands behind his head and laid down upon a torn foam mattress.
"It's a posh park. You're not even supposed to pitch a tent here, jack@ss' explained Harry
"Tell you what, man. See this pensive? Put your head in the water and you'll see other people's memories' suggested Smokesummore
"You've gotta be fu<king kidding me!' spat Harry
"No, man. I use it everyday' replied Smokesummore
"That's because its a bloody urinal' cried Harry
"You're right. That's higher consciousness at work, man' replied Smokesummore
"I'm leaving' hissed Harry as he left the tent.

"Yes sir, it's Smokesummore alright. We got him in the park' said Brigadier General Marshal William Teller of the British Royal Marines as he waited for the order to deliver the kill shot.
"Wait, we've got someone coming out now of the tent now... It uh... It looks like a scrawny twelve year old boy' he chortled
And the order was given "Light them up!'
"Yes sir!' beamed the Brigadier General
He gave his men the hand signal to open fire. A .50 caliber round caught Harry by surprise as it grazed his left butt cheek, flying straight toward a crowd of people picnicking behind him, and decapitating a puddle woman. The bullets were chewing through the crowd. The horror in their cries filled the air as they tried to run from the onslaught. Had it not been for Harry's slender frame he would most certainly have been killed, but perhaps due to shock he'd collapsed the moment he'd been grazed by the first bullet. When they'd managed to kill just about every living thing for half a kilometer the Brigadier General gave the order to cease fire, and carefully crept toward the tent. He looked around as he came upon it. The tent was filled with holes and nothing seemed to be moving inside. He edged his way into the tent. He was ready to kill on sight. SmokeSummore was laying flat on the foam mattress snoring loudly. He tried to open fire but... *click* ...A misfire! He cursed as he extracted the cartridge to find that it was his very last. A wicked smile came over his face as he pulled out his knife.
Harry was laying perfectly still not daring to breath. He'd collected his mental faculties and emptied his mind of all emotion. Now he waited for his chance to strike. The two grunts that had accompanied the brigadier general were now hanging around outside the tent, apparently ready to kill any reporter brave enough to come within shooting distance. One had dropped his guard and was rummaging through Harry's pockets looking for valuables to loot from his dead body, while the other continued to stand guard. But as the grunt flipped his body over, Harry stabbed him with the syringe containing the meth he'd reserved for Baldysnort. "Gawd fu<kin' damn it. What did you?... Fu<kin' stabbed me' screamed the grunt. His grasp on his gun had slackened, and Harry easily pulled it out of his hands. In his drug induced state the grunt was unable to defend himself and Harry used him as a shield while shooting both his commander and fellow pissant as they'd attempted to assist him. Harry gathered their submachine guns, and with some difficulty managed to lift the huge .50 caliber sniper rifle that had nearly taken his @ss off. He dragged it back toward the agent that sat dying with an expression of pure agony on his face. "Make it stop, make the pain go away' he pleaded.
"Why the hell should I? You lot show up here and snuff half the people for a bloody kilometer, and you beg for mercy? You won't get it, and you sure as hell don't deserve it!' spat Harry. The grunt whimpered unable to move. "Now tell me why you tried to kill me!' bellowed Harry. He could see the grunt struggling. This was a test of his loyalty. Fighting for lord and master with the mind of a lemming, but it was no use. "We're assigned to kill SmokeSummore if he tried to leave the country. We caught him red handed at the airport and followed him here' he wheezed. "Why did you slaughter so many innocent people if you were after him?' asked Harry. "We were only following orders' cried the grunt. "Oh, I'm aware of that, but who's orders were you following? growled Harry
"Prime Minister Tony Blaire' he squeaked in a weak voice. This was getting to be more than Harry could stand. He was growing more irritated by the second, and this grunt probably wouldn't even know who Baldysnort was. "Of all the people to use the syringe on, it had been this limp di<k mother fu<ker' thought Harry.
"Where is your vehicle and its keys?' Harry asked hatefully.

He had no trouble finding the large SUV and loaded the large caliber weapon in the back. He ran back to the tent and to his amazement found that Smokesummore was unharmed. A military knife was sunk halfway in the ground next to the old man's head, which Harry gladly took. He shook Smokesummore until the old man awoke and pulled him to the SUV explaining what had just happened. Smokesummore wasn't in a mood to listen and curled up on the back seat. Harry drove straight to the Smoke Shed Inn where he beat the piss out of UdderFroth and his goat.
"I'm tellin' yeh, I don't know where the fu<k he is!' exclaimed UdderFroth.
"Then tell me where to find someone who does know' demanded Harry
"How would I know someone like that?' asked UdderFroth
"You were the one who told me where to find Penis GetAScrew. You have to know someone that could tell me where to find the bas+ard' spat Harry.
"GetAScrew was a paying customer. I knew where he went because I had become his only supplier' explained UdderFroth.
"Out of anyone in DireCon Alley, you have the most ties to MethNeeders' cried Harry
"I don't either' UdderFroth spat with disgust
"Bollocks! Last time we stayed here my friends were attacked by MethNeeders in the lobby. Your damn desk clerk was one of 'em, and he nearly killed Ron' growled Harry
"I can't determine if someone is a MethNeeder just by looking at them. They have to put on their stupid uniforms first' explained UdderFroth.
"All I'm asking is that you tell me where to find ANY MethNeeder' said Harry
"Oh, I can do that' replied UdderFroth
"Finally!' said Harry with a sense of relief
"But I'm not going to, because you pissed me off. Go to hell' growled UdderFroth.
"I really didn't want to have to do this, but it looks like I have no other choice' said Harry as he pulled his wand from his robes. "Accio Anus Smokesummore' cried Harry, and the old man landed at his feet. "Your brother wants to obtain higher consciousness so he can communicate with the space brothers' lied Harry.
"Oh man, why didn't you tell me? The first thing you gotta do is relax-' said Smokesummore.
"No, make him shut up! He drives me up the fu<kin' wall with this shi+' pleaded UdderFroth, but Smokesummore ignored him.
"We focus our consciousness in the floating sensation around our bodies, and let go of all negativity, man' explained Smokesummore. UdderFroth was slamming the side of his head against the wall.
"My brain is going to sleep! Make him stop for god sake, boy!' exclaimed UdderFroth
"Not until you tell me where to find a MethNeeder' said Harry.
"Once you've entered the astral plane, you will come across-' Smokesummore continued.
"Get on the whizzard bus and ask to go to the Dope Lord's lair. MethNeeders take it all the time, so the driver knows the location. It'll take you there, you arse!' cried UdderFroth. Harry was dumbstruck, why the hell hadn't he thought of trying that? He started for the door. "Oi, untie me and take this crazy wanker with you' UdderFroth demanded as he nodded his head in SmokeSummore’s direction. Harry cut UdderFroth free and pulled Smokesummore out the door.

He called the whizzard bus, but when he asked to go to Baldysnort's lair, all eyes in the bus shot toward them. As they were taking a seat a snide shrill voice called out to him. "You! You ruined my career' screamed DullPoor@ss DumbBi+ch. "And you owe me the Spliffindor house cut. The headmaster awarded it to me' spat Harry. "I was the headmaster-' she started, but Harry cut her off. "Like hell you were. Who appointed you? The management? And who the hell are they? How do they have any right to take over a public school?' asked Harry rhetorically. DumbBi+ch reached for her wand, but Harry knocked out cold with one hard blow to the face and rummaged through her purse. "This is mine!' growled Harry as he pulled out several thousands of pounds, and shoved them in his pocket. "Baldysnort's lair, this is your stop' said the driver pointing at Harry. He dragged Smokesummore from the bus by force. "Can't we talk this over, man? I don't want to die with some dude spankin' the monkey over my face' the old man whined. "Harry?' asked Herpes. He looked over and saw Ron and Herpes staring at him. "I knew you'd come, mate. What took you so long?' asked Ron. I didn't know how to get here. "Well then you take the bus. Everyone knows that' explained Ron. "Eh, yeah, right' said Harry as he rubbed the back of his head. "Are you ready to kill him?' asked Ron. "Almost, but first I have something for you' said Harry as he pulled out the money he'd taken from DumbBi+ch, and tossed the whole wad to Ron. "I'm sorry about your mum. I figure you can pay for proper funeral with that. It's all I could salvage of the house cut' said Harry. Smokesummore patted him on the shoulder. "Actually, Harry, mum's still alive. Dad fu<ked up and shot her with training rounds. After you left we took turns beating the piss out of him. We'd all have come, but Ginny has to watch her kids while mum is in bed' explained Ron "Why did you leave us?' growled Herpes. "I didn't leave you, you stayed behind. Was I supposed to carry you lot on my back?' asked Harry. "He's got a point, luv' said Ron. Herpes slammed her fist into Ron's stomach. "Why the hell did you do that?' he shouted. "You're such a idiot, Ron' spat Herpes as Harry dragged Smokesummore inside saying "Hurry up if you're sure you don't want me to carry you'. Harry looked around the lobby. "What the hell?' he said unable to keep his surprise to himself. It was like an large corporate office building. A receptionist in MethNeeder robes called them to her desk. "Welcome to the Dope Lord's lair, do you have an appointment?' she asked. "Yes! My name is Harry Pothead. The Dope Lord wishes to kill me himself at his earliest convenience' said Harry. "Oh yes, you're at the top of our list. His office is on the top floor at the end of the corridor. If you need any assistance in finding-' said the receptionist but Harry cut her off. "I think we can find it on our own, thank you' said Harry as he pulled Smokesummore in an open lift. Ron, and Herpes followed them. "Why are you bringing him? Herpes asked with contempt as she glared at her former headmaster. "Because he was the git that talked me into this suicide mission' Harry said as nonchalant as possible. The three of them dragged Smokesummore out of the lift and down the corridor. "Wait!' cried Ron. "What is it now?' growled Herpes. "I see an office kitchen, and I got the munchies!' he cried as he let go of Smokesummore and ran inside the room. Harry and Herpes had little trouble pulling Smokesummore inside. It seemed that the old man had a case of the munchies himself. Ron shoved a bean burrito in the microwave. "Oh man, those things will kill you. They poison your food with radiation, and they leak negative energy into the environment, man' Smokesummore warned. "Shaddup, yeh pussy' growled Ron as the door slammed shut behind them.