Post some jokes!

Originally posted by Raven Guardia
q- why do people go to black peoples yard sales?
a- to get their stuff back

q- why is aspirin white?
a- because it works

q1-what do you call a thousand white people running down a hill
a1- Avalanche
q2- what do you call a thousand black people running down a hill
a2- mud slide
q3- what do you call a thousand Mexicans running down a hill
a3- jail brake

q- what do yo do when you see your tv floating in mid air in middle of the night?
a- you say drop it n**** (sorry about that word)

there where four men standing on top of a mountain a Chinese man a Russian and and a Black man and white man. the Chinese man jumps of the mountain and sayd I'm doing this for my country. the Russian jumps off the mountain and says I'm doing this for my country. the black man shoots the whit man and says this for my country.

i'd love to come back to america just to burn down your racist house. how is this shit not banned?????????????

what goes blond, burnette, blond, burnette, blond, burnett?

A blond doing cartwheels

what do you do after licking a bold pussy

put the nappy on after

(sorry to offend)

Also jayson calm down there only a joke's

Ok i got a lot.... be prepared to read... lol

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?" ___________________________________
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A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied. _______________
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Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water." ____________________
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"Did ya hear I got married?"

"Oh, that's good."

"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"

"Oh, that's bad."

"No, that's good! She's rich."

"Oh, that's good!"

"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."

"Oh, that's bad."

"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"

"Oh, that's good."

"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."

"Oh, that's bad."

"No, that's good! She was in it."________________________
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370HSSV 0773H(look at it upside down.)_____________
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There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No Shit!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass. ________________
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3 men died and went to Heaven. When they all got there, Jesus was waiting for them. He told them, "I need you to all tell me how you died, then I will decide if you get to stay in Heaven or not." He walks up to the first man and he told him his story, "Well, I thought that my wife was cheating on me. When I got home from work one day, I went in our bedroom to see if anyone else was in there. My wife was taking a shower, but no one else was in there. I went out on the balcony of the apartment I live in and I saw this other man hanging on the edge of my balcony. I was so angry that I started jumping up and down on his hands to make him fall. He fell down 15 stories and landed in a bush, but he was still alive. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the refrigerator and threw it on top of him, then he was dead. After that I felt so bad that I grabbed the gun out of my drawer and shot myself. That's how I died." "Very well," said Jesus. He walked up to the second man and he told him his story. " Well, I was doing pull-ups on the edge of my balcony and I slipped and grabbed on to the balcony below. I was trying to pull myself back up, when all of a sudden, this psycho man came out and started jumping up and down on my hands. I fell down 15 stories and landed in a bush, but I was still alive. Then he came back out and threw a refrigerator on top of me. That's how I died." "Very well," said Jesus. He walked up to the third man and he told him his story. "Well, I'm a robber, and I was in this guy's apartment stealing his stuff. Then when the owner came home I didn't know where to hide, so I hid in the refrigerator." __________________________________________________
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Mississippians are walking down the street. one is carrying a bag. the first one says "what ya got in that bag?" the second one says "just a couple of chickens."
"if I guess how many there are can I have one?" asks theecond one.
"shoot you can have both of them if u guess right."
"Ok mum..... five? "__________________________
____________________________ A man named JJ was driving down the road one day when he saw this duck walking along the road. JJ stopped and pick the duck up and put him in the front seat with him. Then drove off. The duck was looking out the window when JJ passed a policeman, which come after JJ and stopped him. The officer said JJ had to take that duck to the zoo. JJ agreed so off they went. The next day JJ went out driving again and took the duck along. And again the duck was looking out the window and passed the same policeman. Which stopped JJ again. He said to JJ "I told you yesterday that you had to take that duck to the zoo " JJ responded politely, " Yes I know officer you did. And I took him to the zoo. Today I am taking him to the ballgame. "_________________________
A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. Finally they decided to swim across the 100 mile ocean to their home. On the day they swam the brunette swam 25 miles and drowned. The red head swam 50 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 75 miles, got tired, and swam back. ______________________________________
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Two American guys Bob and Jake where sitting on roof laying shingles when all of a sudden a gust of wind blows the ladder down. Bob says "hey Jake I have an idea how bouts we throw you's down there and you can pick up that ladder." "Do you think I am stupid?" Jake says. "I have an idea.....I'll shine my flashlight down to the grass and you can climb down on the beam of light. "Do you think I am stupid Jake? You'll just turn the flashlight off when I am halfway there! __________________________________________________
_______________ Two blondes were at a bar. They decided to cruise around in their new cherry red convertible,but then they realized they locked their keys in the car. After about an hour of trying to get in one blonde says to the other- you better hurry up! there is a storm coming and we left the top down!"

I got some more....

A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''

The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''

Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''

The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''

So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
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There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'' ______________________________
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There was a man who loved baked beans, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way hame from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans and all the way home he farted.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. __________________________________________________
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There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very, very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Golstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Barton. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pyjamas." "But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?" asked Nurse Barton. "Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing

What's a shitzu?

A zoo with no animals...my mum is obsessed with it

Why did the girl fall off her bike?

Becuase someone threw a washing machine at her.....not al that funny, eh?

😬 I'm surprised some of these jokes are allowed...

lol 😄

What did the hurrican say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts this is no ordinary blow job!

What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common?
They both have plastic juggs.

What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

hope their funny.

Hahaha...^those are great!

Yo mama's so dumb, her favorite color is clear!

Your mama''s glasses are so thick that when she lookes on a map she can see people waving.

Yo mama is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama is so dumb, she thought a quarter back was a refund.

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.

here are a few more jokes

here are more

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.

more

10 reasons you know your a red neck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Red neck engineering exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do.

You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.

I got one..
This guy lives at a nudist colony and took a picture of him self, cut off the bottom half and sent it to his mom. Hes mom got the picture and sent him a note telling him to sent his grandmother a picture of himself so he takes another picture, cuts it in half but sends the bottom half by mistake. So the grandmother gets the picture and sends him a letter saying 'Dear Grandson, I like the picture but I think you need a hair cut because it makes your nose look to big'

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

What does NASCAR stand for?
Non

Athletic

Sport

Created

Around

Rednecks