Chapter 1
The Birth of Redemption
"Wow I am thrilled. I have never been to Francisco's. People have said this restaurant is the best in town, but I think this is way too much."
"Nothing is too much for my one true soul mate, the woman of my dreams, and my soon to be loveable son."
"Well it is our 4th year anniversary and you scheduled our dinner reservations at the same time you proposed to me. I guess we could treat ourselves once a year don't you think? After all you did make me wear this fine dress. I feel fat being 2 months pregnant."
"You look perfect no matter what you look like. Your beauty always shines, and besides I am wearing this uncomfortable suit, but I could care less about how we look or physically feel because we are going to be there within minutes having yet another time of our lives."
"You make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world, and we have only been married for so little. We have our entire lives to enjoy more moments. My life can't get any better.
"Trust me with more time our lives will be better than heaven itself. Beside the little angel we are bringing into this world will bring you more joy than I could ever give you. Our lives will be filled with nothing but happiness and jubilation. I feel like I never say this enough…I love you."
She closed her eyes, smiled and was about to say the 3 most powerful words, then her life took a turn that would take her to the depths of the human heart. She will be shown how the heart can be your greatest comfort yet your most pained emotion. Her life would be thrown into chaos, despair, confusion, and sorrow. Auto phobia would replace love, and not even time can repair the damage her heart will sustain.
Since they were driving late at night, One's vision isn't so keen. The Honda didn't come equipped with the best car collision protection. After all a driving a '98 two passenger model isn't the best vehicle to take on a full head on collision with another vehicle. To make matters worse the vehicle they collide with is a truck rig. The driver of the rig was going a solid 75 mph, ten miles above the limit, and was under the influence. Both drivers were driving opposite ends. The rig swerved left thus causing a head on collision. The results were not pretty yet the accident happened so fast that the pregnant women's husband was not able to react fast enough.
Metal clashed with each other. The sound of the vehicles crashing into each other would pierce one's ears. The effect rippled through out the front part of the Honda. Metal was twisted, crushed, and ultimately destroyed. The damage was beyond repairable. If only that was the bad part.
The husband's seatbelt jerked and seemed to of held him but since it was out dated it gave way. The force of the car stopping so instantaneously forced him to get catapulted out of his seat and through the windshield. Upon breaking the windshield he suffered many cuts around his head and face but the calamity of the truck forced his head to be snapped killing him instantly.
The truck driver took less damage considerably. The rig was not crushed in any way, and he was wearing his seatbelt. The effect of alcohol coursing through his body acted kind of like a painkiller. Feeling little to no pain, he would survive with minor bruises.
As for the pregnant woman her seat belt did not give way but the restraint of the seatbelt forced a lot of pressure throughout her chest and stomach. This forced a miscarriage. Her left side of the body took a lot of shrapnel; the head took a hard bang to the front of the vehicle causing concussions and unconsciousness. Also, since glass was flying everywhere a four inch piece of glass was impaled and embeded into her left eye. Her left part of the body suffered many broken bones. There was too much of internal bleeding. The chances of her survival would be critically impossible.
Not far from the car accident a young man was walking home. This man was wearing an overcoat that had a hood over his head. He was trying to think with himself but other thoughts would always interfere. He noticed the car accident and was in total disbelief. He sprinted towards the horrific scene. He had seen a lot of crazy things in his life. In fact, he had prevented many of these types of incidents. This completely caught him off guard. Once he reached the accident he immediately went to asses the damage. He saw the husband. He thought to himself "Nothing I can do there". He went to the truck rig driver seat, opened the door and saw the driver knocked out. "This is not going to go well for you" thought the young man. He tried to pull the man out but the seatbelt said otherwise. The button to dislodge the belt was broken. The young man did a quick glace around him and looked at his own hand. It was being covered by what seemed to be white thick liquid. His hand had turned into a claw. With his claw he cut the seatbelt, pulled the driver out, and laid him on the street.
As he was checking his vitals then something told him to check the passenger side of the Honda. The woman was laying facedown on the dashboard. He tried the door, but something had lodged the door. With his claw hand he grabbed the passenger door and pulled away. The door came off like it was a prop. He pulled the woman out laid her on the floor, and was shocked on who it was.
"HER!!!"
"No this can't be" cried the young man," Why did it have to be you?!"
"Don't do anything stupid Arcana. If you do, the guilt will consume you."
"But if she dies," the young man explained, "Sorrow will consume me."
The young man pulled the piece of glass from the woman's eye and slit his hand. He collected blood through his palm and after enough was collected he put his slit hand on her face.
"Please forgive me…Jen," he said.
The blood that was on her face had seeped into her. The young man pulled out his cell phone, dialed the police, and left the scene.
"THE DEATH OF AN ANGEL MARKS THE BIRTH OF A DEMON."
End of Chapter 1.
Originally posted by arcinis
Chapter 1
The Birth of Redemption"Wow I am thrilled. I have never been to Francisco's. People have said this restaurant is the best in town, but I think this is way too much."
"Nothing is too much for my one true soul mate, the woman of my dreams, and my soon to be loveable son."
"Well it is our 4th year anniversary and you scheduled our dinner reservations at the same time you proposed to me. I guess we could treat ourselves once a year don't you think? After all you did make me wear this fine dress. I feel fat being 2 months pregnant."
"You look perfect no matter what you look like. Your beauty always shines, and besides I am wearing this uncomfortable suit, but I could care less about how we look or physically feel because we are going to be there within minutes having yet another time of our lives."
"You make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world, and we have only been married for so little. We have our entire lives to enjoy more moments. My life can't get any better.
"Trust me with more time our lives will be better than heaven itself. Beside the little angel we are bringing into this world will bring you more joy than I could ever give you. Our lives will be filled with nothing but happiness and jubilation. I feel like I never say this enough…I love you."
She closed her eyes, smiled and was about to say the 3 most powerful words, then her life took a turn that would take her to the depths of the human heart. She will be shown how the heart can be your greatest comfort yet your most pained emotion. Her life would be thrown into chaos, despair, confusion, and sorrow. Auto phobia would replace love, and not even time can repair the damage her heart will sustain.
Since they were driving late at night, One's vision isn't so keen. The Honda didn't come equipped with the best car collision protection. After all a driving a '98 two passenger model isn't the best vehicle to take on a full head on collision with another vehicle. To make matters worse the vehicle they collide with is a truck rig. The driver of the rig was going a solid 75 mph, ten miles above the limit, and was under the influence. Both drivers were driving opposite ends. The rig swerved left thus causing a head on collision. The results were not pretty yet the accident happened so fast that the pregnant women's husband was not able to react fast enough.
Metal clashed with each other. The sound of the vehicles crashing into each other would pierce one's ears. The effect rippled through out the front part of the Honda. Metal was twisted, crushed, and ultimately destroyed. The damage was beyond repairable. If only that was the bad part.
The husband's seatbelt jerked and seemed to of held him but since it was out dated it gave way. The force of the car stopping so instantaneously forced him to get catapulted out of his seat and through the windshield. Upon breaking the windshield he suffered many cuts around his head and face but the calamity of the truck forced his head to be snapped killing him instantly.
The truck driver took less damage considerably. The rig was not crushed in any way, and he was wearing his seatbelt. The effect of alcohol coursing through his body acted kind of like a painkiller. Feeling little to no pain, he would survive with minor bruises.
As for the pregnant woman her seat belt did not give way but the restraint of the seatbelt forced a lot of pressure throughout her chest and stomach. This forced a miscarriage. Her left side of the body took a lot of shrapnel; the head took a hard bang to the front of the vehicle causing concussions and unconsciousness. Also, since glass was flying everywhere a four inch piece of glass was impaled and embeded into her left eye. Her left part of the body suffered many broken bones. There was too much of internal bleeding. The chances of her survival would be critically impossible.
Not far from the car accident a young man was walking home. This man was wearing an overcoat that had a hood over his head. He was trying to think with himself but other thoughts would always interfere. He noticed the car accident and was in total disbelief. He sprinted towards the horrific scene. He had seen a lot of crazy things in his life. In fact, he had prevented many of these types of incidents. This completely caught him off guard. Once he reached the accident he immediately went to asses the damage. He saw the husband. He thought to himself "Nothing I can do there". He went to the truck rig driver seat, opened the door and saw the driver knocked out. "This is not going to go well for you" thought the young man. He tried to pull the man out but the seatbelt said otherwise. The button to dislodge the belt was broken. The young man did a quick glace around him and looked at his own hand. It was being covered by what seemed to be white thick liquid. His hand had turned into a claw. With his claw he cut the seatbelt, pulled the driver out, and laid him on the street.
As he was checking his vitals then something told him to check the passenger side of the Honda. The woman was laying facedown on the dashboard. He tried the door, but something had lodged the door. With his claw hand he grabbed the passenger door and pulled away. The door came off like it was a prop. He pulled the woman out laid her on the floor, and was shocked on who it was.
"HER!!!"
"No this can't be" cried the young man," Why did it have to be you?!"
"Don't do anything stupid Arcana. If you do, the guilt will consume you."
"But if she dies," the young man explained, "Sorrow will consume me."
The young man pulled the piece of glass from the woman's eye and slit his hand. He collected blood through his palm and after enough was collected he put his slit hand on her face.
"Please forgive me…Jen," he said.
The blood that was on her face had seeped into her. The young man pulled out his cell phone, dialed the police, and left the scene.
"THE DEATH OF AN ANGEL MARKS THE BIRTH OF A DEMON."
End of Chapter 1.
This is what happens when we let anybody here post the thoughts.
Originally posted by freezedoom
Did you finally hit your brain? Or are you just being your normal, idiotic self again?
I'm pretty curious on when I was ever crazy. I don't believe I have posted like Kentai. Just threw out a random story out there and I guess you guys are either too mean or don't recommend any EFFECTIVE critisism. Oh well... 😐
Originally posted by arcinis
I'm pretty curious on when I was ever crazy. I don't believe I have posted like Kentai. Just threw out a random story out there and I guess you guys are either too mean or don't recommend any EFFECTIVE critisism. Oh well... 😐
Sorry, dude. And for your story, one word comes to mind: 😑 🤨 😖 🤪 🤨
It was actually 6, but who's countin'?
Originally posted by arcinis
I'm pretty curious on when I was ever crazy. I don't believe I have posted like Kentai. Just threw out a random story out there and I guess you guys are either too mean or don't recommend any EFFECTIVE critisism. Oh well... 😐
Your a good writer and there was a perfect amount of detail there. Doesn't get much more constuctive than that.
Originally posted by arcinis
Chapter 1
The Birth of Redemption"Wow I am thrilled. I have never been to Francisco's. People have said this restaurant is the best in town, but I think this is way too much."
"Nothing is too much for my one true soul mate, the woman of my dreams, and my soon to be loveable son."
"Well it is our 4th year anniversary and you scheduled our dinner reservations at the same time you proposed to me. I guess we could treat ourselves once a year don't you think? After all you did make me wear this fine dress. I feel fat being 2 months pregnant."
"You look perfect no matter what you look like. Your beauty always shines, and besides I am wearing this uncomfortable suit, but I could care less about how we look or physically feel because we are going to be there within minutes having yet another time of our lives."
"You make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world, and we have only been married for so little. We have our entire lives to enjoy more moments. My life can't get any better.
"Trust me with more time our lives will be better than heaven itself. Beside the little angel we are bringing into this world will bring you more joy than I could ever give you. Our lives will be filled with nothing but happiness and jubilation. I feel like I never say this enough…I love you."
She closed her eyes, smiled and was about to say the 3 most powerful words, then her life took a turn that would take her to the depths of the human heart. She will be shown how the heart can be your greatest comfort yet your most pained emotion. Her life would be thrown into chaos, despair, confusion, and sorrow. Auto phobia would replace love, and not even time can repair the damage her heart will sustain.
Since they were driving late at night, One's vision isn't so keen. The Honda didn't come equipped with the best car collision protection. After all a driving a '98 two passenger model isn't the best vehicle to take on a full head on collision with another vehicle. To make matters worse the vehicle they collide with is a truck rig. The driver of the rig was going a solid 75 mph, ten miles above the limit, and was under the influence. Both drivers were driving opposite ends. The rig swerved left thus causing a head on collision. The results were not pretty yet the accident happened so fast that the pregnant women's husband was not able to react fast enough.
Metal clashed with each other. The sound of the vehicles crashing into each other would pierce one's ears. The effect rippled through out the front part of the Honda. Metal was twisted, crushed, and ultimately destroyed. The damage was beyond repairable. If only that was the bad part.
The husband's seatbelt jerked and seemed to of held him but since it was out dated it gave way. The force of the car stopping so instantaneously forced him to get catapulted out of his seat and through the windshield. Upon breaking the windshield he suffered many cuts around his head and face but the calamity of the truck forced his head to be snapped killing him instantly.
The truck driver took less damage considerably. The rig was not crushed in any way, and he was wearing his seatbelt. The effect of alcohol coursing through his body acted kind of like a painkiller. Feeling little to no pain, he would survive with minor bruises.
As for the pregnant woman her seat belt did not give way but the restraint of the seatbelt forced a lot of pressure throughout her chest and stomach. This forced a miscarriage. Her left side of the body took a lot of shrapnel; the head took a hard bang to the front of the vehicle causing concussions and unconsciousness. Also, since glass was flying everywhere a four inch piece of glass was impaled and embeded into her left eye. Her left part of the body suffered many broken bones. There was too much of internal bleeding. The chances of her survival would be critically impossible.
Not far from the car accident a young man was walking home. This man was wearing an overcoat that had a hood over his head. He was trying to think with himself but other thoughts would always interfere. He noticed the car accident and was in total disbelief. He sprinted towards the horrific scene. He had seen a lot of crazy things in his life. In fact, he had prevented many of these types of incidents. This completely caught him off guard. Once he reached the accident he immediately went to asses the damage. He saw the husband. He thought to himself "Nothing I can do there". He went to the truck rig driver seat, opened the door and saw the driver knocked out. "This is not going to go well for you" thought the young man. He tried to pull the man out but the seatbelt said otherwise. The button to dislodge the belt was broken. The young man did a quick glace around him and looked at his own hand. It was being covered by what seemed to be white thick liquid. His hand had turned into a claw. With his claw he cut the seatbelt, pulled the driver out, and laid him on the street.
As he was checking his vitals then something told him to check the passenger side of the Honda. The woman was laying facedown on the dashboard. He tried the door, but something had lodged the door. With his claw hand he grabbed the passenger door and pulled away. The door came off like it was a prop. He pulled the woman out laid her on the floor, and was shocked on who it was.
"HER!!!"
"No this can't be" cried the young man," Why did it have to be you?!"
"Don't do anything stupid Arcana. If you do, the guilt will consume you."
"But if she dies," the young man explained, "Sorrow will consume me."
The young man pulled the piece of glass from the woman's eye and slit his hand. He collected blood through his palm and after enough was collected he put his slit hand on her face.
"Please forgive me…Jen," he said.
The blood that was on her face had seeped into her. The young man pulled out his cell phone, dialed the police, and left the scene.
"THE DEATH OF AN ANGEL MARKS THE BIRTH OF A DEMON."
End of Chapter 1.
I think, overall, its a pretty decent read. A few things, though: The dialogue seems a little forced and the characters seem a little too stiff. Alot of the dialogue is pretty cliche, too. For example, "Don't do anything stupid Arcana. If you do, the guilt will consume you." Not trying to be a jerk or anything, but it sounds like you took that right from Star Wars or something, lol.
Also, at least for me, it gets a little menotonous to keep reading "the husband" or "the wife" or "the man" so much. Without some form of identification or some other way to bring the reader's attention to the needed character, it really gives the characters a seemingly unimportant role.
And finally, there seems to be alot of filler in the story. Does the reader really need to know everything that happens to the people in the crash? It sounds to me, like you added alot of the "injuries" to to take up some space and extend the length. All we really need to know is that the Husband is dead and the wife is dying.
But despite my critisim, good job. I'm pretty curious to where this is going.