A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"
*Slap!!*
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto
the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was
good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
the vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. he was told by his boss to lay off 1 of his employees, either Mary or Jack. his choice was a tough one because mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
that night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
mornig finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. at 8:55 mary walks into the office. "i've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "i either have to lay you or jack off."
"oh, jack off" mary says, "i've got a headache."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fu(k, Etc."