Originally posted by $¥®€Ñ
OMFG!! Saucy, you go with your sexist jokes!!Girl Power!! *does stupid little two finger Spice Girl sign*
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight miniskirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a
large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the
waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends!"
A man went to hire a horse
the man he hired the horse from told him to make the horse go he had to say thank god for it to move and amen to stop
the guy didnt pay much attention to him
He got on the horse and told it to go
it would not move so he tried something else and still it stood there
then he remembered what the guy said so he yelled out thank god and the horse started to move he shouted it again and the horse went faster
and everytime he said it hte horse would go faster and faster
he noticed he was heading towards a cliff and told it to stop but it would not stop again he tried everything to stop it
then he remebered to stop the horse he had to say amen and so he did
the horse stoped just in time 1 cm away from the cliff edge
the man was so happy that he said thank god!!!
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast.
"The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says.
"Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."
2 couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. when they got there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner- swapping as a trial.
after 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside the guy turned to his new partner and said "WOW! this is the very best sex i had in years. i wonder how the girls are doing?"
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".
Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked.
"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."
Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing."
"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."
By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.
"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.
"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."