A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
This isnt really funny..just true
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We don't check out other girls body parts to make sure we're "on top"
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Why would she like a stamp collector? 馃槙
Originally posted by xLiNdS x 622x
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
This one is a classic, so you may have heard it before.
Three men died, and found themselves in heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates.
"Now, before I let you in heaven, you must tell me how you died." he said.
The first man spoke up. "I was at work when I heard that my wife was cheating on me with someone. I rushed home early. Sure enough, the place was different when I left it, but I couldn't find anyone. I looked everywhere, and then finally i go out on the balcony. Sure enough, some guy's hanging onto the railing for dear life. I was really ticked that he was doing my wife, so I tried to stomp on his fingers and let him drop below. He still didn't die, so I grabbed the fridge and threw it at his head, and killed him. Then, I got so worked up I had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter looked sternly at him, then sighed. "Well, everyone kills something else...the way it should be. As long as you had your purposes." So he let the first man in.
The second man said, "I live on the fifteenth floor, and I often like to work out on my balcony in the afternoon. Since it had rained, I slipped and fell over the edge, but I managed to grab the railing and hang on. Not five seconds later, some guy rushes out. I thought he was going to help me up, but the idiot starts stomping on my fingers. I didn't let go, so he got a hammer, and pounded them til' I fell. I only broke a leg though, and started crawling away when a huge fridge hits me and i died."
St. Peter let him in.
The third man was rather hesitant. "Well...I was having an affair with someone's wife. She had gone to the store and I was waiting in bed when I heard footsteps, heavier than a woman's. Worried that it might be her husband, I hurriedly hid in the fridge. He searched everywhere but the fridge. Since he was still in the house, I dared not go out, but then I felt myself moving, and the there was no gravity. The fridge exploded and I died."