Overflowing Pt 2
I have just had a few startling revelations about myself. OMG I put up so many walls and hide behind this mask. A mask decorated with the fears I hold deep inside. For so much of my life I have pushed my true feelings deep inside. Instead of dealing with my issues I ignore them. As if ignoring them somehow makes them go away.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my moms death and up until this very moment I haven't really thought about it and how it makes me feel. Ever since she died my brother refuses to celebrate any holiday with the rest of our fam. I know that he wants to be close to ppl, but is afraid to let anyone get close. I TRY to open up to ppl, but this past week and a half kinda opened my eyes. As open as I might seem I'm more guarded than I have ever been. I cant even look ppl in there eyes when I talk to them. I have only been able to look 2 ppl in their eyes and they arent around anymore. I know that I want to be loved, but I dont see myself letting it happen. I second guess what ppl say to me all the time. Even myself at times. I dont think I'll ever feel truly wanted by anyone. I dont doubt that my mom cared about me, but I dont think that she loved me. I mean come on her last words to me were "I hate you Mario." That moment in my life is blurry, but it was if time stood still. Maybe it's just how I replay it in my mind. I can still see her walking away from me, tears falling and feeling in that instance she had given up on me. I've gotten to the point where I dont...let me rephrase. I CANT cry except for the pain of others. It's like I have accepted my life, the way that it is, as how it'll always be. If I had one chance to say anything to my mother I dont think I could come up with one thing to say to her.
I have even more abandonment issues when it comes to my father. He turned his back and gave up on me b4 I was even born. What could make him want to leave me? My mom always hated my brother's father and mine too. I spend a lot of time wondering what they did to hurt her so much that she'd hate them. I guess my dad and me have something in common.
I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I have only loved 2 ppl in my life. My brother and Annie. What would I do without my brother? OMG I'm ****ing crying. I worry about him all the time. He deserves to be happy. I hope to God that he finds happiness somewhere. Annie. I would have done anything for that girl. Anything. She built me up so high and watched me fall to pieces. I do know that she loved me. Where did things go wrong? If SHE could give up on me, then I cant help but believe that everyone else will. Which is why I push ppl away. I dont know its like the more you care about me, the harder I push you away. Then I find myself missing that person. How ****ed up is that? I spend hours trying to figure out wtf girls see in me when I feel so empty on the inside. Somewhere in my head I think I believe that they could be so much happier with someone else. A part of me wants to find that someone who will see past all my bullshit and love me with all my defects.
For whatever stupid reason I want ppl to like me. I dont know if I've always been this way, but it's been more obvious to me lately. My words are how I communicate and when they are ignored or arent received well it hurts. I used to find it so hard to express myself verbally, but a couple of past relationships helped me get past that. A plus and a negative for me that I tell ppl exactly how I feel. Its not always wise to say things in the moment without first thinking about how your words will affect he person they're directed at.
I only weigh 145 lbs. and I swear most of its my heart. I care so much about the ppl that I interact with. Whether it be on an everyday basis or a five minute conversation in passing. Compassion IS NOT a weakness at all. I guess I care so much because I dont want anyone to feel the things that I have felt. Hopeless, alone, unloved and that no one cares. At times its hard to be positive when I know all the suffering that ppl go through exists. This world we live in might be a dark place, but there is light sprinkled about. Smiles are contagious ppl!!
I guess I'm done venting for today. I know that I have things about myself that I need to work on, but for some reason I have a strong feeling that things are gonna get better.
Re: Overflowing
Originally posted by Oiram62205
Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control.
Same thing for me, it drives me insane.
crazy frog
I guess it's time for my weekly therapy session.
*sigh*
The more things change, the more I stay the same. I am starting to think that there REALLY is something wrong with me. If the relationships in my life keep ending the same way, it has to be my fault. I wish I could find some of the answers to the questions I have. Maybe I should take a break from me and my thought.
[5 mins later]
Ok abandoning thinking wasn't such a good idea. (I stopped listening to myself and my mind went blank) I think I'll try not being as oversensitive as I have been recently and the walking contradiction that some people think I am.
I have been writing like crazy lately. It would be nice to have something happy to write about instead of all the sad stuff. I can't really complain too much, ya know? Having ANYTHING to write about is better than having writer's block. Well, that's all for now. Ciao.
see you in my poetry thread later